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Original poster

MIL and SIL problems

53 replies

navteexo · 22/08/2019 20:16

Hi everyone,

I dont post that often, but i guess i just wanted an outlet to express how I feel. Im not close to my mum/sister/brother anymore because they disowned me for choosing to marry outside of the religion.

I only have 1 or 2 friends but we arent that close anymore as they're busy with their lives and have problems of their own.

So anyways, DH has a sister who is the same age as me, 25. A brother who is 30 and a mum and dad. Whenever im around them, they will never say hello to me, never acknowledge my presence. I have to be the one who says hello first..all the time. Today i waited, and waited to see how long MIL and his sister would go without making eye contact and saying hi..but i felt petty so i just said hello how are you guys, hows work? All i got back was 'hi'. And they carried on with what they were doing.

All of this started when i was told that it is a tradition for the baby to be named by DH sister. I was shocked because it is beyond me that anyone would even do this in this day and age. Plus, since ive fallen pregnant me and DH have been discussing names etc. So of course we told his sister that we are choosing OUR baby's name. After that day, shes been ignoring me, she gives me dirty looks, i hear her whispering about me to her mum..things like 'i dont know why my brother fusses over her so much, shes not the first woman to get pregnant'.
Theyve told DH not to make me a cup of tea, or help me cook because he is not my 'slave' and that i should do it myself

Me and my husband are a team. We do whatever needs to be done in the house, whether its cooking or hoovering..or laundry.

I just feel so lonely, and down. Thank you in advance for reading all of this. I cant talk to anyone else x

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 22/08/2019 21:22

Also in Indian families it’s the unmarried daughter on whom the burden of housework should fall, not the elder bhabhi, because traditionally she ‘needs the practice’ for when she gets married. Suggest this every time they make nasty comments about you, and ask your mil why her daughter can’t do the simplest housework tasks when a non-Indian can.

makingmammaries · 22/08/2019 21:22

OP, I am very sorry for your problems. Do you have any money of your own? Any way of moving out? They are abusing you. I think contacting a refuge might be a good step. If your DH wants to keep his marriage he needs to come to his senses and move out. Your departure might be the shock he needs. Let those nasty women do their own cooking and housework.

thecatinthetwat · 22/08/2019 21:24

Definitely leave op. Ideally with your dh, but either way.

You won’t manage like that, I don’t see how anyone could. Why would you do it to yourself? You have been badly let down by your husband. Please don’t continue like this.

LionKingLover · 22/08/2019 21:25

This is so sad op. You need to think of yourself and your baby too. This isn't good for your mental health and isn't a good way for your child to be brought up, seeing his or her family treat his or her mum like that x

Apolloanddaphne · 22/08/2019 21:25

You need to get out of there before the baby is born. It will not go well at all once you are a mum i am guessing.

Starksforthewin · 22/08/2019 21:28

How backward. Funny how these 'cultural traditions' are always designed to put women down and ensure that the men live their lives like princes. Fuck that and then fuck it some more.

I don't care how much I loved him, I would never marry into such an appalling set up. Where is your life, OP?

Sayhellotothethings · 22/08/2019 21:31

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds dreadful. I was about to say tell them they aren't welcome in your home, until I read that you all live together.
I would be doing one of the following...

  1. Sitting your DH down and say enough is enough, he needs to stand by you & your feelings as you have stood by his family's traditions for him
  2. Moving out with or without DH.

I feel that this situation would only get worse after the baby is born. They could start telling you how to raise your child and make snide remarks about your decisions as a mother (they sound like the type). I know as a new mum that this is really not something that you need, and you need to prioritise yourself in this so that you can care for your baby at your best. He should stick by you as your husband.

Sayhellotothethings · 22/08/2019 21:32

I don't care how much I loved him, I would never marry into such an appalling set up. Where is your life, OP?

I have to say I agree with this. Did you live with them before you got married?

7yo7yo · 22/08/2019 21:34

Try and reconcile with your own family.
Move out before you have that child as that will be their weapon.

mumofadoodle · 22/08/2019 21:41

Fuck that shit and get out of there.

I am an English woman, married to a British Hindu (born and raised in the UK), and I know how overbearing and controlling Indian MIL can be. You need to do what's best for you, your marriage and your family.

It will start with them not approving of the sister not naming your child, then it will be expected to shave the babies head of hair, then it will be the naming ceremonies etc. Are you planning on raising your child as your DH religion? I find some of the traditions regarding children and babies frustrating, as even my own MIL can not explain fully the reasons behind things other than saying 'we do it because it's tradition'.

Are you financially stable? Do you and DH work and soon enough be in a position to save and rent before the baby comes?

flyingspaghettimonster · 22/08/2019 21:44

I would leave now, by yourself, and go to a shelter. They will take you in as you are pregnant and vulnerable. Your husband will follow if he is the man you thought ye would be when you married. In time, with adorable grandchildren etc, the others will come to terms with it. But if you don't just go and take charge now it will seem far less possible when baby arrives

Morgan12 · 22/08/2019 21:48

You need to leave before you have the baby!

When are you due?

They are going to completely ruin motherhood for you. Think how controlling they will be with a baby!

Please please leave! If your DH loves you enough he will leave aswell. If he stays then you have your answer and are better off without him.

Contact your mum maybe? I know you said they disowned you but she is still your mum and you need help.

brassbrass · 22/08/2019 21:57

I wouldn't take the advice to smack the SIL that will only escalate the situation and you are pregnant FFS. Don't get into any slanging matches either. It's time to put a stop putting up with this.

Time to go with or without DH. What culture are you from exactly? If you were disowned for marrying out you may be even less welcome back pregnant. Is this the case? I'm not sure you have it in you to leave as you're putting up with a lot of bullying which most of the people on this thread wouldn't. You need to think long term about what life will be like with these people. If it's bad now it will be worse with a baby in tow. What are your options for leaving?

In the meantime you need to just keep talking to them tell them when they are being rude/offensive, don't do more than your fair share of the housework.

Your DH sounds like an absolute twat of a coward letting you suffer like this.

Anonmummyoftwo · 22/08/2019 22:00

What will it be like when the little one is born. You need to think about that aswell. If they treat you like that now i think once your baby is here it will be worse. They will take over and you will have no say in your own childs life and they will still expect you to wash there dishes and clean up after them. It might be tradition as they call it but they clearly have zero respect for you. What traditions will they try inforce when baby is here. Sit your dh down asap and tell him this isnt working you are being disrespected and your moving out with or without him. Also incase you need help womens aid might be worth calling.

brassbrass · 22/08/2019 22:02

This is not representative of that culture. These people are nasty and abusive.

Anonmummyoftwo · 22/08/2019 22:03

Heres womens aids number just incase 0808 2000 247. Please give them a call.

Elieza · 22/08/2019 22:05

No way I’d put up with a mummy’s boy manchild as a husband. He needs to man up and honour the promises he made to you.

Seems like he just wants an easy life so he will let you be unhappy as long as he isn’t. Selfish and disrespectful. Like my friends Indian husband was (mixed religion/culture marriage). She realised pretty soon that his priorities were doing as his mother wished. And not what she his wife needed. Which was not how he portrayed things while they were dating. It only became fully clear after marriage. By then it was too late.

I’d suggest you have a serious word with your husband about your joint hopes for your family and see if his ideals align with yours. I don’t think they will. Your child will be brought up in that culture and will be expected to carry on these traditions. Traditions where in my opinion from what you’ve said women are only treated with respect if they are the matriarch. Anyone less is just told what to do and what to believe. Is that what you want for your child? I’d want my own house, near family, where you make your own decisions as husband and wife jointly. And to participate in cultural things by choice not expectation. And to have a partner who would put his wife and child first before his mother, but with respect.

I hope things work out for you Flowers

KellyHall · 22/08/2019 22:08

It sounds like they feel some kind of ownership of your baby already, I'd get as far away from them as quickly as I could.

You said you lost your entire family for marrying outside of your religion and yet your dh won't even cut his mother's apron strings to make a family home with his wife and child - ffs!

Find your confidence, find your voice and do what's right for you and your baby.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 22/08/2019 22:08

OP you only live once and we don’t have long here. This is no life x

TheSerenDipitY · 22/08/2019 22:14

when you get up today, start looking at getting a flat or house, once you find one, sign the papers and tell your DH you are leaving, and he is welcome to come too and if not...... and follow thru
nothing will change until you change it, and once you have borne the heir you will be shoved aside until they want another

Smelborp · 22/08/2019 22:23

This sounds like servitude. You’re expected to do all the cleaning, they want some ownership of your DC and your own DH is forcing you to live with them through his inertia / choice. It doesn’t show any respect for what you’re going through.

You don’t have to stay. This won’t get better while you live with them. I would call women’s aid as this sounds an abusive environment.

Sh05 · 22/08/2019 22:24

It will get much worse once baby arrives. They will undermine you in every aspect and you will be made to feel irrelevant in your baby's upbringing. You need to move out.

coconutpie · 22/08/2019 23:08

Start looking for rentals now. Move out with or without him. This is no way to live. Leave now before baby arrives as it will be more difficult to leave then.

gettingbynotgettingby · 22/08/2019 23:56

Ok. I am Indian. This is nonsense. The only reason the older generation have this power is because we let them. My mum is a kickass woman who does what she wants but I see my aunts and uncles do this to my family. The answer is to fuck tradition. Sounds harsh but I’ve worked out that we hold onto what we perceive to be tradition in the UK way longer than they do in India as we feel we need it to feel authentic. Move out, do what’s right for you and let them sulk until it doesn’t fit their agenda any more. And never listen to a DP with an Indian mum. It’s a symbiotic relationship that requires you to cut the umbilical cord or they never will. Good luck, it’s all posturing for the sake of ‘what will people think’ and frankly life’s too fucking short. X

DogWorried · 23/08/2019 00:50

OP please leave before your baby comes along. I guarantee things will only get worse and you be even more unhappy. As scary and hard as it might be you need to put yourself and baby first even if that means leaving your DH. If he truly loved you he would leave with you.

I would tell (not ask or discuss) DH that you're leaving ASAP. You will not tolerate his family treating you like crap anymore and that you do not want to be part of any of their traditions. He can either come with you or stay but if he stays you will be divorcing.

Good luck Flowers Please be strong and take care of yourself and your baby Flowers

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