Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting children?

56 replies

VioletTurner · 22/08/2019 16:23

So I'm 26 now and in the process of buying my first house with my partner. We're not engaged or anything but I feel like there's pressure building from other people (not him) about having children.
My own mother asks fairly offer when she's going to be a grandma because she was married 5 years and had me at 25 herself. I constantly remind her that that was the early 90's and things are so much different now but she doesn't seem to get it.

I used to want to have children say 3-5 years ago, but now I'm not so sure. My partner (same age) doesn't want any, so I'm thinking this might be rubbing off on me a bit. My main reason for not wanting them is just how cruel todays world is. Might be a bit far fetched but all I seem to see on the news is young children and the effect of social media (online bullying I mean), children being judged for being different etc. and I just don't think I'd be able to cope with not knowing everything they do 24/7 which, of course, isn't right and isn't healthy.
Everything is so PC now too, so I'd be afraid of saying something completely innocently, and this being picked up on and even repeated by the child.

Look, I know these are all what ifs, but my friends and family (even random people in IKEA) seem to think I'm odd for not having or wanting children.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletTurner · 22/08/2019 16:24

Sorry forgot to add, I'm not sure if I'm needing advice as such, but has anyone else come across this?

OP posts:
PaddyF0dder · 22/08/2019 16:25

26 is pretty young.

It’s not unreasonable at all. Having kids is a massive decision with huge implications for your life, and the world around you. I would never bring a child into your life unless it was what you wanted. There’s no going back once you do.

Do what you want. If you change your mind, great. If you don’t, great.

NoSauce · 22/08/2019 16:26

You’re still young OP and might change your mind but it’s yours and DPs choice to have a baby or not. Don’t be made to feel guilty by your mum, this is your life.

DrierThanANunsNasty · 22/08/2019 16:28

I'm 30, don't want kids. Might do in the future, who knows? Going to freeze anything important up there and decide in a few years time.

YANBU for doing whatever the heck you want to do with your body and life... And no one else can tell you otherwise.

YouJustDoYou · 22/08/2019 16:29

Oh gosh, you're only 26 - yanbu at all to not want kids now - or ever!

AmateurSwami · 22/08/2019 16:31

Yanbu at all. Don’t have them unless you desperately want them, they’re hard work.

mydogisthebest · 22/08/2019 16:31

I think you are sensible for not wanting children.

Me and DH decided 40 years ago not to have any. There were many reasons but they included us both thinking this planet was already overpopulated and that the world was not a very nice place to bring children into. The world certainly has not become a better place in the last 40 years has it?

More and more women and men are choosing not to have children. Out of my 2 nieces and 2 nephews both nephews have chosen not to have any and 1 niece definitely does not want any. The other niece has not decided yet.

We have many childfree friends as well as friends with children. Just about all the ones with children are divorced whereas all but one of the childfree couples are still together (first marriages) and certainly seem happy.

I have been saddened over the years by the amount of women (and often men too) who have said although they love their children if they could go back time they would choose not to have any

Sexnotgender · 22/08/2019 16:34

YANBU. Don’t let anyone else pressure you into a monumental life changing decision!
Children are wonderful and life giving, if you want them.
They’re also draining and infuriating.

You and your partner are the only ones that actually have to live with the decision you make. It needs to be right for you. Fuck everyone else.

koshkat · 22/08/2019 16:35

I knew at 16 that I would not have children. I am now in my late 40s, never had children and never really given it a second thought. My life is fantastic and I am happy and fulfilled. Do what suits you!
There is no issue here - who cares what other people think? Just get on with your life!

Kaykay06 · 22/08/2019 16:37

I had 2 by the time I was your age and I totally understand.

You might one day change your mind but enjoy your life now, do the things you want to do, go places and enjoy yourself. No one HAS to have children I think realising it might not be for you rather than just going along with everyone else is mature.
Enjoy your new house.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 22/08/2019 16:44

YANBU - you'll probably still get those comments till you're 40 though!

I think that whilst having kids is undoubtedly very rewarding, it's also bloody hard work, so going in with anything less than 100% enthusiasm just seems like madness!

Do what you want for you, and sod anyone else.

demelza82 · 22/08/2019 16:47

YANBU to not want kids of course. YABU to say 'everything is so PC now' and then moan about bullying....... Clearly if things were Uber PC bullying wouldn't have infiltrated our culture to the extent it is continuing to..... Not rocket science

paddingtonbearsmarmalade · 22/08/2019 16:49

I am also 26 (my partner is 30) and like you, used to really want children. When I was with my previous boyfriend, I thought we’d be married by now and probably would be aiming to have a baby in the next couple of years. Now I’ve hit 26, that still feels impossibly young for a decision about a life long commitment and certainly not financially secure enough to want to bring a child into the world anyway.

My partner is adamant he doesn’t want children and being with him has opened my eyes to child-free existence being a perfectly happy life. And I feel a bit like you about the reasons not to have them too - concerned about climate change & the general nature of the world we are in now. I still sometimes have maternal feelings (cute babies help that) but still am not sure if it really is for me after all. But I figure I still have some time to work that out, so try to focus on what I want now and what I want to achieve now, and none of that involves having a baby!

Original poster
VioletTurner · 22/08/2019 16:49

Thanks everyone - Its nice to have some reassurance for once about the subject.

I cant even picture myself with any children if I'm honest. My best friend has 2 under 2 and I love them both dearly, but a bit glad I can pass them back if they get worked up Wink

@mydogisthebest Thank you - The reasons you have given are what else I have going round my head. I'm not an eco-warrior don't get me wrong, but the way the world is going I don't like the thought of leaving the next generation to deal with it.

I've had a lot of 'women's problems' since before I was a teenager and the thought of potentially having more issues associated with a pregnancy/birth is off putting.

OP posts:
BobbinThreadbare123 · 22/08/2019 16:51

YANBU.
I've never wanted any, I don't have any and I ignore anyone who makes comments about it. None of their business. We are not brood mares, only living to provide grandchildren!
You may come to want them, OP; you may not. Decision is all yours, so don't bow to pressure from others.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/08/2019 16:55

YANBU

Yes you're still young, you might change your mind and you might not, your reasons for not wanting kids are very valid

Original poster
VioletTurner · 22/08/2019 16:55

@demelza82 Not really sure I understand your comment? The bullying point and the PC point were two separate issues - not a joint one? I was merely outlining a few reasons why I'm not keen on bringing children into the world...

OP posts:
AnduinsGirl · 22/08/2019 16:57

YANBU, and don't be pressured by other people's nosy, tactless, rude comments about the matter. I was about your age when I realised I didn't want children and now, age 34, I am still 100% resolute. However, having recently moved in with my partner, it's re-ignited the unhelpful "awww you'll change your mind" and "it's different when it's your own." Idiots.
Best of luck OP.

Chirico · 22/08/2019 16:59

You are not in the least unreasonable not to want to have a child, but this --
Everything is so PC now too, so I'd be afraid of saying something completely innocently, and this being picked up on and even repeated by the child

-- is a deeply odd reason to give for not wanting one.

What on earth is it that you are likely to say that you are so worried about your potential child repeating? Hmm

kenandbarbie · 22/08/2019 17:08

Yanbu! I've got children and they are everything to me and fulfil me absolutely. You're not me!

Own it!

Your reason that life is hard now or whatever though. No wars, famine, disease now. Much better to be a child now more than nearly any time in history. Climate change I can see as a valid reason but who knows how humankind will adapt to that. No more uncertainty or doom than in historical times of war and pestilence.

NeverSayFreelance · 22/08/2019 17:11

YANBU! Not everyone wants children and that's ok! It's not as if you can return them if you realise it's not for you.

ScreamingValenta · 22/08/2019 17:13

YANBU. Unfortunately, if you decide to remain childfree, you'll have to fend off these sorts of comments all through your 20s and 30s. They stop when you hit your 40s, thank goodness.

Chirico · 22/08/2019 17:16

Also, @ScreamingValenta, if you do have a child in your late 30s, as I did after an adult life of being contentedly childfree, the incessant commentary about having a child switches literally overnight to how you can't have an only child because it would be 'selfish' and when was I having another.

Chirico · 22/08/2019 17:21

Oh, and when DH recently posted on his FB a photo of a bottle of champagne to celebrate a professional achievement of mine, my nice-but-nosey SIL was immediately on the phone from another country to ask 'if there was any news', by which she meant were we having another baby!!!! I am in my mid-40s and have made no secret of not wanting another child, so I really thought we were past this!

Pinkblueberry · 22/08/2019 17:22

YANBU at all to not want children, it’s completely your choice. I have to be honest and say I find your reasons a bit odd though. Not wanting kids because of potential online bullying is a bit OTT - navigating social media can be challenging, but it hardly makes life not worth living Confused And the point about the world being too PC and saying the wrong thing is just bonkers.