AIBU for not wanting children?

[VioletTurner]

So I'm 26 now and in the process of buying my first house with my partner. We're not engaged or anything but I feel like there's pressure building from other people (not him) about having children.
My own mother asks fairly offer when she's going to be a grandma because she was married 5 years and had me at 25 herself. I constantly remind her that that was the early 90's and things are so much different now but she doesn't seem to get it.

I used to want to have children say 3-5 years ago, but now I'm not so sure. My partner (same age) doesn't want any, so I'm thinking this might be rubbing off on me a bit. My main reason for not wanting them is just how cruel todays world is. Might be a bit far fetched but all I seem to see on the news is young children and the effect of social media (online bullying I mean), children being judged for being different etc. and I just don't think I'd be able to cope with not knowing everything they do 24/7 which, of course, isn't right and isn't healthy.
Everything is so PC now too, so I'd be afraid of saying something completely innocently, and this being picked up on and even repeated by the child.

Look, I know these are all what ifs, but my friends and family (even random people in IKEA) seem to think I'm odd for not having or wanting children.

It’s no one else’s business

You're not unreasonable at all. It may be that in the next couple of years, those "breed now!!!!" hormones may kick in and you change your mind. Or it may be that they don't. Whatever happens, this is your life and you don't have to justify how you live it.
All the best in the new house, I hope it is a happy place for you both

Your life - your choice.
Loads of young women don't want kids now.
This world is a scary place right now and the human race is doing so much eco damage we may not survive.

Sooooo you don't want children, your partner doesn't want children, are you BU to not have them? That'll be a no.

It is perfectly fine to not have children, if you don't want any. In fact it's the best thing to do if you don't want them.

My mum always said every generation thought it was a scary world to bring children up in, for all different reasons, and they all did OK,

Things might change as they did with me when I got to about 30 or they might not, it's entirely up to you.

I certainly wouldn't have them to please anyone else or did it get me all het up if people assumed we would, I just put them straight on our intentions on the "here and now"

Of course YANBU.

We live in a developed society in the 21st century where having children is one lifestyle choice among many. Other choices are just as valid. You need to decide what’s right for you, never mind what anyone else thinks. Steve jobs put it rather well :

”Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Sorry nor did it get me all het up !!

I think it is good that you are thinking it through. I am amazed how many couples I know with children that admit they never really talked about having children and thought much about it. They had them because "it's the thing to do".

I am in my 60's and am sick of people asking if I have grandchildren!

You're not being unreasonable. It's your life and up to you what you do with it. I am not having children either and although I had one friend keep on at me about having them (and my mum as well to some extent) I stayed firm and am now of an age where kids are more unlikely anyway so they've stopped bringing it up.

I often think parents want someone around to share child rearing experiences with and so on, so it's not what's good for you they're thinking of. When I told my friend I can barely look after myself she just laughed and said "Don't be silly"

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

People always talk about being 'broody', but I've never, ever felt like that.

I got to 33, was in a long term relationship, didn't have the broody feelings but being financially stable thought 'Why not have kids? I'm sure those feelings will come, won't they?'

Biggest regret of my life - cue 12 weeks of the most horrific antenatal depression, suicidal thoughts, antidepressants (never been on them before in my life) and a termination at 12 weeks as it had got to the point of either I die (and thus, also abort through suicide) or I have a termination and live.

I'm now 37, married to my partner and we won't be trying again. Being pregnant terrifies me due to how I felt last time, and childbirth also truly terrifies me. I still don't feel 'broody' and I wonder if women cope with the horrible bits of pregnancy because they truly want the baby, so think 'At least when this is over, I'll have what I want... my baby'? If you don't have that desire, why are you putting yourself through it?

Thankfully, I don't have any judgemental friends or family at all. Noone has questioned our choice and the people who know what happened a few years ago can understand why I wouldn't want to go through that again.

I have seen some women on Mumsnet say 'Go for it, when you've got your baby you'll fall in love with him / her and you'll understand why it's worth it, after all, how many women say they regret their kids?'

I wonder if more regret having children than you think, but they don't say anything because it's still such a 'taboo' subject. I'm sure the vast majority don't regret it, however it seems such a massive dice roll and chance 'Yeah, just get pregnant and have a baby even if you're not broody as you'll love Motherhood and your subsequent life'.......

I'm sure some women do, and it's great it's worked out for them - but what a chance to take!

No, you're not being unreasonable. I knew in my early 20s that I didn't want any. It was a considered decision and one that I definitely don't regret.

Am I odd? Oh, absolutely. But .... aren't we all?

Yanbu at all.

I'm 35, don't have children. Never been broody, DFiancee has never particularly wanted children. DM and MIL have been informed that it's v unlikely and have been told to put a lid on it when they make comments.

It's fine. You're free to not have children. We don't think we would be good parents, we're not particularly keen on being around other people's children, and our hobbies and lifestyle would have to completely change if we did have them, which would make us unhappy. So why would we?

I think it's very old fashioned to just expect that grandchildren are a given.

OP, I had my first child at 36. I definitely didn't want them at your age, but knew I would want them one day. When I was 18 I had a friend who said she never wanted children. It's now 40 years on, and she has never changed her mind.

Children change your life. I would say if you don't really really want them, don't have them.

I think we would be in a better place if the default was that people didn't have children and that only people who really wanted them had them. At the moment as a society we seem to expect people to have children and are surprised, or think something must be wrong, when they don't.

Of course you're not unreasonable, it's entirely your decision. Pay no attention to anyone dropping hints. You might decide you want a child in a few years though, 26 is young.

It’s perfectly reasonable not to want children. It’s not an obligation. However your reasons seem half baked - I would have a hard think about whether you don’t want children or whether you are finding reasons not to want children so that you can have the same outlook as your partner.

@Flappyfishy, none of my childfree friends have ever expressed regret that they didn't have children but loads of my friends with children have said if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Having met many many people in the last 40 years - living abroad, living in various different counties in the UK - it saddens me just how many people (men and women) have said they would not have children if they could go back.

There is another recent thread on here about children and there are quite a lot of posters with children saying they regret having them

You don’t have to justify not wanting children. That’s your decision to make.

Why are you talking to random people in ikea about it?

It's completely reasonable to not want children and you don't need to have specific reasons, however your stated reasons do sound a bit odd, and I'd be sure that this is your decision rather than changing your mind to agree with your partner. If he changes his mind in 15 years he can go find a younger partner and have kids with her, whereas you wouldn't have that option.

My main reason for not wanting them is just how cruel todays world is.
The world is much less crueler overall than anytime in human history. Any kids you have will be born in a very privileged part of the world.

all I seem to see on the news
What is on the news often reflects what is newsworthy, not the frequency of things. Many media sources aim to get people riled up and emotional to keep them reading and sharing, rather than inform people.

children being judged for being different
I think overall children and adults in general in this country are more accepting of differences than any time in the past. Not to say it isn't a problem, but are you sure you haven't got overly focused on this by media reporting?

I just don't think I'd be able to cope with not knowing everything they do 24/7
Statistically kids growing up in the UK are extremely safe compared to their ancestors and kids living in less stable/ developing countries.

Everything is so PC now too, so I'd be afraid of saying something completely innocently, and this being picked up on and even repeated by the child
What are you worried you'd say? Kids do sometimes repeat mangled versions of things they've overheard or misunderstood to great hilarity and embarrassed shushing from the parents, but I don't think this would have repercussions.

my friends and family (even random people in IKEA) seem to think I'm odd for not having or wanting children.
Not odd at all, lots of people choose not to have children and have good lives. However in your shoes I'd just say "having children isn't something that appeals to us" and leave it at that.

Why are you talking to random people in ikea about it?

Why are you in Ikea at all?

Yeah, just get pregnant and have a baby even if you're not broody as you'll love Motherhood and your subsequent life'

And if you don't like it, well you've obviously got PND - ie: you are ill. Not to belittle PND of course, it is a very real illness. But if someone simply doesn't enjoy motherhood, it does not automatically mean they are unwell.

FWIW, my DH never wanted DC for the same reasons as you. He thinks it's a rotten world at times and we've no business bringing people into it who never consented to be there in the first place. Me? I've just never found it appealing, plus I've got RA, just like all the other women in my family. There's no way in the world that I'm inflicting that on someone else.

YANBU. As the kids say, you do you.

Ignore the comments and the questions, and the ever-so patronising "you might change your mind". Honestly, next time somebody tells you they're pregnant, tilt your head and say "what if you change your mind when you're older"? It's amazing how asking that question is unacceptable, yet the constant nagging of childfree people is totally fine!

Completely reasonable even if PP don’t necessarily agree with each reason you state - it’s not their life or my body, it’s yours! I wasn’t convinced I wanted children until I found out through a serious health issue I might not be able to have them. When the option was going to be potentially taken away I was no longer on the fence and have now got my lovely twins. That’s my story. Yours is yours and everybody else who thinks to the contrary can politely go screw themselves

Their body* don’t know where “my body” came from 😳