To think that children shouldn't always come first.

[notanotherusernamepassword]

Sorry this is going to be long ..... DH has a son, 13. Split up when partner was pregnant. She took child to live in another country. DH supports financially and visits every month until can find work in that country/obtain visa. Moves to that country to be close to DS, when DS is 5. Offers as much support as he can in terms of overnight stays etc. DH's ex is constantly obstructive changing access patterns, moving states, moving schools, partners and getting herself into unnecessary financial difficulty. DH has been a constant support. Never misses a payment, is involved in care for DS, education and sport - in my opinion a very good dad. Tried to take DS on holiday, but has never been allowed to take him overseas or for longer than a long weekend. Therefore DS has missed 3 European hols and 4 to Asia. DH has never been able gain a legal arrangement as every time he has started the process she has refused mediation or threatened to remove child from the country in which DH now lives. DH is constantly asked to be flexible in terms or access. But if he can't do one thing is met with streams and streams of abuse. Directed at DH and myself. DH is at breaking point. I couldn't get hold of DH yesterday and I actually feared DH had done himself harm.
He can do no right by her/him it would appear.
DSS's mum was furious that he couldn't take DS to sport training - a 5 minute walk from her house. Due to him being away with work. DH has missed 2 games all season. 1 due to being in hospital, 1 due to being away with work internationally.
DH has asked to take DS on holiday again in January, DH is only allowed to take him if I don't go. He needs to pick, that he must put DS before me at all costs. AIBU to think, this is not the case. DH is at breaking point, he is treated appallingly by DS's mum and to a degree, DS. He will ignore messages for days, weeks on end from his dad but will never explain why. I am genuinely worried that DH will come to harm from all this abuse, my gorgeous vibrant DH looks truly broken. I think he needs a slight step back and some self care. Not to always put the needs of DS first ......

Not clear what country you are in, OP, but if it's a signatory to the Hague Convention then couldn't legal proceedings be started with an immediate order that the DC cannot be removed from the country?

Appreciate this isn't maybe the best title .....

I think he needs to be able to differentiate between the needs of his son and the demands of his ex. Those are not the same thing, and especially as the son is now older, that needs to be made clear to everyone. Unfortunately, having spent 13 years going along with her every whim, that's going to be tough. I would suggest that next time he sees his son, he has some honest conversations with him about that, explaining that while he absolutely still loves him and will always be there for him, the way that the boy's mother behaves is having serious negative effects on his life, health and other relationships, and so things are going to have to change a bit.

DH has seen countless lawyers and this hasn't been suggested. Ever. But a quick google shows we are covered !
Now that he is older, legal advice/family counseling advice has been not to chase custody as it would make the relationship with DS impossible to repair. But to try and manage the relationship with DSS's ex as best he can.

At 13 a court would listen to where dss wanted to live ft...

Yes completely appreciate that, as it should be.

Has dh got a timeline of the past 13 years?
He sounds like he has put dss as his priority unlike the dm.
A court will see this as favourable I imagine.
Wouldn't think the case will take too long - the ex cannot dictate you being /not being an addition to his life...

It sounds like the ex partner wanted a baby but not the fathers involvement

DH couldn't go to court, to demand the child lives with him. He would break. She would fight every single step.
She, by her own admission states they only stayed together for a viable pregnancy. She tried to kill herself every time he tried to leave.

The dss can speak for himself. No demanding necessary. If it's 50 /50 then the ex will be told to back off and let dh make the decisions when dss is with him - ie about you /holidays etc.
She sounds controlling and not about dss at all. Her way isn't the way she will be told.

I am not sure DSS would want to be with DH 50/50 as he would know it would upset his mum

Should DH take DSS away alone and should I take it on the chin .....

Your DP should just take his son away without you. You could always do another holiday seperately but it’s unfair that DSS misses out because of his batshit mum.

I agree

Adults first as when 2 adults are happy and in love then the kids get a good roule model situation. Also if your religious it basically without the fluff says wife comes second only to god.

I come first with my Husband and we are all happy. No one goes without, the kid gets more then enough and is never without in any way, and he sees us as a stable couple unlike BM who puts kids first and has a revolving door of men. So this will tell the child the opposite of what a loving supportive couple is.

Kids need to be looked after but they don't make decisions adults do and maybe if less people lost touch with their partners over kids then less broken homes.

I think this time given it has never been allowed before that for DH sanity you should back off and not push to go this time. It's insane, and unfair, but he sounds fragile and you should do it for him. But not next time. Sorry you're in the middle of this it sounds awful.

If the options are ds going alone with his dad, or not going at all, then they should go alone.

I agree that children shouldn't always come first, but presumably you spend much more time with your dh than his ds does, and to tell his son that he won't take him on holiday unless you can come too would be awful.

At 13, there aren't many years left before ds doesn't want to go on holiday with his Dad anyway, so for now you might just have to go along with it. It won't stay this way forever.

Op, I would let dh take dss without you. He has already missed out on so much.

Should DH take DSS away alone and should I take it on the chin .....

Yes, absolutely. Even if DSS was your own son a father-son holiday is a great idea. You can go on holiday with DH separately.

His son is 13 and a teenager, teenagers don't always reply to their parents. This holiday is especially important to maintain the bond between father and son, because of DSS's age and because of the problems his mother is causing.

I think both of them going away is an ideal opportunity to relax and have heart-to-heart conversations.

May make them closer and better able to deal with Ex.

I agree, call the mum on it.
Agree to let the pair of them hav a holiday together and let the son see his dad as a real person...

Quite a misleading title OP, I would suggest that your dh takes all of this to court. I would however suggest that him taking his son on holiday for the first time is a great idea and yes he should be put first in this instance.

On the step parents board it amazes me that grown adults expect children to 'suck it up', very wrongly thinking that even young teens are able to process situations and regulate emotions rationally in the way that an adult would. I think a child's emotional/physical needs should always come before another adult's.

Yes, let DH go with DSS without you. You get DH every day, every week. DSS is guarded by evil dragon mum and has hardly any time with his dad. DH not choosing him or you, he just humouring evil dragon lady.

DH doesn't want to go away without me. DH and I have had a tough year (3 failed IVF rounds) and the last trip/break was a boys long weekend with DH and DSS. He wants DSS to have a family holiday. dSS and I have a great relationship.

My only concern about the holiday is how unstable you say your DH is and if you are really afraid he will resort to self harm in response to stress. That could be very disturbing for his DS who is too young to cope alone.

(sorry, cross post)