To think that children shouldn't always come first.

[notanotherusernamepassword]

Sorry this is going to be long ..... DH has a son, 13. Split up when partner was pregnant. She took child to live in another country. DH supports financially and visits every month until can find work in that country/obtain visa. Moves to that country to be close to DS, when DS is 5. Offers as much support as he can in terms of overnight stays etc. DH's ex is constantly obstructive changing access patterns, moving states, moving schools, partners and getting herself into unnecessary financial difficulty. DH has been a constant support. Never misses a payment, is involved in care for DS, education and sport - in my opinion a very good dad. Tried to take DS on holiday, but has never been allowed to take him overseas or for longer than a long weekend. Therefore DS has missed 3 European hols and 4 to Asia. DH has never been able gain a legal arrangement as every time he has started the process she has refused mediation or threatened to remove child from the country in which DH now lives. DH is constantly asked to be flexible in terms or access. But if he can't do one thing is met with streams and streams of abuse. Directed at DH and myself. DH is at breaking point. I couldn't get hold of DH yesterday and I actually feared DH had done himself harm.
He can do no right by her/him it would appear.
DSS's mum was furious that he couldn't take DS to sport training - a 5 minute walk from her house. Due to him being away with work. DH has missed 2 games all season. 1 due to being in hospital, 1 due to being away with work internationally.
DH has asked to take DS on holiday again in January, DH is only allowed to take him if I don't go. He needs to pick, that he must put DS before me at all costs. AIBU to think, this is not the case. DH is at breaking point, he is treated appallingly by DS's mum and to a degree, DS. He will ignore messages for days, weeks on end from his dad but will never explain why. I am genuinely worried that DH will come to harm from all this abuse, my gorgeous vibrant DH looks truly broken. I think he needs a slight step back and some self care. Not to always put the needs of DS first ......

The just tell her either he comes with both of you, or stays home...
Tell your DH he needs to tell DSS he is welcome, but the only reason he won't be on the trip is his mum.

OP I strongly recommend you and your DH read the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy." We used to get on fine with DCS's mum but with hindsight realised it was only because when she told us to jump we'd ask how high. It all started to go wrong when DH finally stopped letting her have all her own way. Funnily enough our relationship with the DC, though good overall, has gone from strength to strength - maybe they respect DH more now that he's no longer a pushover?

If it's going alone or nothing, I think they should go alone. I would with my child, for sure, every time, without even having to think about it. I HATE going away without DH but I'd never consider turning down a chance to spend time with my child. Especially not in your DH's situation.

@MyCatHatesEverybody have downloaded it !! Will keep you posted

@notanotherusernamepassword I hope you find the book useful in explaining the dynamics even if it's something you ultimately decide you can't follow through as it does require a leap of faith. It took my DH some counselling and eventually one particular incident where DSC's mum screamed at him in front of the DC basically saying what a deadbeat he was and he didn't love their kids because he was going to have to miss one evening's contact to go to an obligatory work training course in a few weeks time. This was despite DH having them 3 days a week in which he'd never missed a contact day (and always well overpaid CMS before anyone asks). DSCs were aged between 14-20 at the time so it wasn't even like childcare needed arranging. The counselling turned out to be similar in approach to what's in the Crazy book which we only bought afterwards.

I wish you the best of luck.

I really understand and empathise with what you're saying about the toll it's taking in your partner's mental health.

My partner is also a very vibrant, emotional person and these things hit him hard, he has felt the same at times about his relationship with his son, almost always due to problems that come from his mum and sometimes his family. It can be incredibly hard to justify letting yourself fall apart and your life become absolutely miserable, just to maintain a certain level of contact with a kid that is not actually that bothered themselves.

People will always say kids should come first, but I do honestly think that children are not always the only or even most vulnerable person in a situation when the parent has mental health troubles, and if anything in your life is genuinely pushing you to suicide then you need to step back from it, because nothing is more imperative than keeping yourself alive, unless someone else's life is at risk, which it obviously isn't. Better a child has a dad that isn't jumping through every hoop to satisfy his mum and may see him a bit less as a result, than a man be dead because of the effect the situation had on him.

DH couldn't go to court, to demand the child lives with him. He would break. She would fight every single step

He has to do this for his son. It will be hard but he will get through it.

Oh, and of course YANBU. She sounds like a nightmare. So sorry that you and DH are going through this. Good luck with it all

OP, there is no need to demand custody, but why not put a legal framework in place for access so the ex no longer has you over a barrel like this?

Ideally (to me) he would step away from the whole situation and wait until his DS made contact with him to have more contact. I suspect the DS is also dancing to his mums tune and hurting your DH.

Unfortunately because you are struggling to have children your DH is wholly invested in his only child. Im not saying you should have children to replace him in your DHs affections, nothing would do that, but that it would dilute his attempts to keep a meaningful relationship with his DS and put them into a better perspective. I think the failed IVF is adding to his stress as well as yours. .

I don't think I have any advice except for him to step back for a few months just to heal himself.