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To not want my mum to come to the 21 week scan?

27 replies

chocchipmuffin · 06/08/2007 09:10

Am 14w preg and my dad has told me that my mum wants to come to the 21w scan. Dsd came to the last one (she found it difficult to accept the pregnancy and we asked her so she could feel part of it, if she wanted to come).

I just feel that the scan is a private thing for me and dh. We don't have any relatives nearby and so it really is just us and ds (and the new baby when s/he arrives). My parents gave me a great many speeches about how good being a grandparent as they get all the nice/easy bits even when I was in the newborn/car crash phase and being told how ill I looked. I think my mum may have changed one nappy in 3 years.

All of this is fine, but I do feel that given that this baby is very much mine and dh's, I don't want anyone else at the scan this time (dsd is away travelling atm, so not in the frame this time).

I know I sound resentful (!!), but, AIBU? TIA

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 06/08/2007 09:11



DelGirl · 06/08/2007 09:12

no, yanbu but I don't know how you can put it across to her??!! good luck


IdrisTheDragon · 06/08/2007 09:12

It would have annoyed me if anyone other than DH had been at DS or DD's 20 week scans. Partly because although it is a chance to "see" the baby again, it is an anolomy scan and if there had been any problems, I would only have wanted it to be DH and me there.


littlelapininhercar · 06/08/2007 09:13

Just tell her. Say you didn't have the experience at the last scan because you needed to take DSD, and you want this to be special for you and DH.

Or lie and tell her the hospital will only allow you to bring one person because it's a busy time or something!



caterpiller · 06/08/2007 09:13

YANBU. I totally agree. It is a private time for you and dh.


IdrisTheDragon · 06/08/2007 09:14

I think that our hospital did have some sort of limit on people attending scans, although I can't remember what it was.


3Ddonut · 06/08/2007 09:14

no, you're right it's private, can you spin her a line about how the hospital don't allow more than one adult in the scan room at a time?


alicet · 06/08/2007 09:15

YANBU. No way would I have wanted anyone else there at the time. Have you explained this to your Mum? Might find its not actually that big an issue if you explain that you want it to be a private thing with you and your dh and also explain why dsd came last time. Might be more of a throw away comment she's made to your dad rather than a 'I am going to their scan just let them try and stop me!'

Of course if it is the later you don't have to tell them when it is and if they already know just change the date


3Ddonut · 06/08/2007 09:15

ooh 2 xposts!!!


muppetgirl · 06/08/2007 09:17

We had a problem with our 12 week scan (Miscarriage before christmas, am 27 weeks pgt now and all is fine ) and I would have not wanted anyone else there with me. We had to make decisions that were just between us.

We scan in our scan photos and email them to family so maybe this is a comprimise...

This is definately one time where you do what you want and don't feel guilty.


Easywriter · 06/08/2007 09:18

Sorry CCM what does dsd mean?

Also, YANBU, the 21 wk scan is an ANOMALY scan. It's not a cinema opportunity.

Before you think I'm berrating you, I'm not. It's just worth bearing this in mind before and because you choose to invite/let anyone else attend. (I had my twin daughters 3 years at mine and I had to consider what I would do should anything be wrong and say I fell tro bits in front of them).

The reason I mention this is

  1. You really should consider the scan for what it is.

  2. COuld be helpful excuse to ensure it's just who you want/need to be there.

    My gut feeling is that if you don't want her there then game over, she's not there, YANBU.
    It's your baby, you're the parent and with the best will in the world a grandparent is not the parent. The buck stops with you, you need to decide as best you can.

IdrisTheDragon · 06/08/2007 09:21

(dsd is dear step daughter)


chocchipmuffin · 06/08/2007 09:27

Thank you all so much. I really thought I was being a cow and it really helps that you think IANBU. I think I will go with the hospital policy line though to make it a bit easier. We are at a different hospital this time, so it would work!!

Thanks again. Now just need to sort out the logistics of taking ds!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 06/08/2007 09:32

Are you allowed to take young children,quite often you're not as they can be a big distraction to the sonographer - so perhaps MIL can't go with you as you need her at home to look after ds but then she can be the first to see the scan photo?


alicet · 06/08/2007 09:32

The logistics of taking ds because you want to or how to get round the fact that that goes against your hospital policy line?

If the later just say children and partners only are allowed. The same as visiting on maternity wards apart from during set times. Be a little careful with hospital policy though if you think she might be belligerant enough to check...

If the other ds came to all of your scans and he was fine... Only 16 months at 20 week one though so a bit littler than yours but it doesn't last that long so should be fine...

If you'd rather not then do you have any friends who would look after him for half anb hour?


FloriaTosca · 06/08/2007 09:36

I had my mum come to my 20 wk scan because DH was working in another continent and couldn't change the work schedule to get home for it, and I needed someone there incase something was wrong, but if Dh had been available there would have been no one but him (we have been down the m/c route too often to be blase about any part of the pregnancy journey)
The 20wk scan is very important diagnostic scan, it isnt just an "ooh lets get an early peek at the baby" fun trip.
I would ignore her request until she brings it up again and then either lie and tell her that only one person can accompany you or tell the truth and say that you want this to be a very personal and private moment but you will send her copies of the pictures asap afterwards..and she can be as involved as she likes, particularly with nappy changes, after the baby has come....!!!


dejags · 06/08/2007 09:42

You might find that they will not allow more than one person in with you.

For DD's 13 and 20 week scans I could only have one person with me. We were also not allowed to have the kids in the room while she was doing the measurements etc as they are a distraction (they did allow the kids in briefly after the "testing" was finished to have a quick look at the baby in 3d though).



alicet · 06/08/2007 09:47

If your mum has the money to do so you could say that if she really wants to see the baby then she is very welcome to pay for a private scan after you know all is well on the 20 weeks scan. If this isn't something you'd like then don't mention it though!


tearsndtantrums · 06/08/2007 09:54

yanbu at all. its you and your partners time to see your baby x


kslatts · 06/08/2007 10:34

YANBU. When I was pg with dd1 my Nan wanted to be at the birth, I was in labour for a long time and she turned up at the hospital. DH had to phone my mum to come and collect her.


americantrish · 06/08/2007 10:49

i dont think youre being unreasonable at all. definitely not.
i hope she understands.


bookwormtailmum · 06/08/2007 10:58

My mum came to my 20wk scan - my dd's father wasn't around so it was kinda nice to share it with someone but as loads of folk have said, it is a scan done for a reason and not just a chance to get a baby 'preview'. It's all very quick as well - 10 mins and you could be out again. Show her the scan picture and keep the actual experience for you and your dh. My mum was upset that I'd sloped off for my dating scan by myself but I hadn't actually told her that I was pg at the time .

I think our mums probably want to attend scans and pre-natal checks with their dd's because they weren't routine for their pgs.


lemonaid · 06/08/2007 11:03

YANBU. I wouldn't want anyone else there either, and as others have said it's an anomaly scan. What happens if they find an anomaly -- you really won't want a random family member sitting in at that point as you and DH try to process what you're being told.


harleyd · 06/08/2007 11:09



Theresad · 06/08/2007 21:57

You could have your Mum come to the hospital as the babysitter.
You could then be relaxed enough about your DSD not having to be in the room for the fiddly bits and have the nurse bring them in (one or both - up to you) afterwards. Mum will be pleased that you needed her even if the hospital would not let her see the actual scan - depending on what you tell her the policies are and pre agreed with the nurse obviously

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