Advice on line managing difficult people

[Unusualusernames]

I'm having a very tough time at work with one particular person I'm line managing. I'm very new the role and was bought in from outside to run a very small team.

One of the people I line manage is absolutely obnoxious. I've worked for 30 years and I'm honestly hard pressed to think of anyone I've worked with who is so aggressive and confrontational for no reason.

I have tried speaking very calmly and behaving in a kind way towards her because I empathise with the fact that it's difficult to have a new manager who has a different style to the old (the old one used to shout at people and get very angry). I try to deal with absolutely anyone I encounter in life with kindness but I am utterly at the end of my tether with this person.

This culminated yesterday in a day of her challenging me continually including shouting at me because she couldn't find an envelope which was in front of, challenging the fact that I had allocated her work (which she should be doing). In the end I probably wrongly got into a confrontation with her where I told her firmly to stop speaking to me aggressively.

I have assessed her work load, she is not over worked. She has upset other members of staff by speaking to them, frankly like shit and she has reduced a service user to tears with her aggressive tone.

I have asked for a meeting with my manager next week, who is already aware of some of her various issues, separately from me.

In the meantime has anyone got any tips for getting through today? Of dealing with this person in general. Right now I'm finding it quite overwhelming.

I wouldn’t start a formal disciplinary process as per your company guidelines. It is not ok to have someone shout and behave aggressively in the workplace. Manage her out.

I once went on training where I was told a good way to diffuse and angry person is to say "I am sorry I can see you are angry that was obviously not my intention and I am sorry this has upset you." or something similar. Apparently acknowledging their emotion helps to calm them down. And the apology helps but it is clear you are not apologising for the thing you did - just expressing your emotion you are sorry they are upset. But she sounds really tricky so maybe try this out on someone else first to see if it works for you before you try it on her!

Definitely record each incident so that when you speak to her you can clearly and specifically evidence what you are talking about.

I have a very supportive, patient and (sometimes too) tolerant management style as well. I don't think it's a bad approach but the other staff will be watching how you handle this and you must be fair to them too. Ultimately it will end in disciplinary procedures if she doesn't change her ways. That's shitty for you but for the others who work with her it will be good to see a manager come along and actually deal with an issue that sounds like it should have been sorted a long time ago.

Is usually handle this as PhilCornwall describes. You may or may not want to make it formal immediately or you may want to have a "chat" first. I'd try The I formal route first but if kings didn't improve move to a PIP pretty quickly.

As you're new, it's a good time to set out the standards you expect and what will and won't be tolerated. I'd arrange a one-to-one with her, set out the issues you find unacceptable and ask her if there's anything going on you need to know about/if there's some additional support she feels she needs. And then explain clearly what you expect to see going forward.

Good luck!

Sadly some people are just bullies and they are used to shouting there way out of situations.
Yes ensure you document and that line management and HR are behind you.
Good luck.

Tread very carefully. A relative of mine had a similar situation with a difficult team member and they followed the correct procedure to put in place improvement plans, etc.

Because they had "rocked the boat" my relative's manager sandbagged them, saying they weren't right for the job as they obviously couldn't manage that member of staff. In the end my relative was the one who got fired.

Obviously the woman at your work needs to be put back in her bloody box but just go slowly and 100% by the book.

Some good advice here. I would think about whether you need to have another person present at meetings with her to take notes. Ideally someone from HR. This is because this type of person normally has no compunction about lying about what was said to her and she will definitely try to make it look like a personal vendetta.

You're in my office (I bloody wished) my employee doses all this, cones in late, goes home early and also accuses everyone of setting her up! She does a task wrong, she says someone (no proof) is setting her up.

It's a nightmare

As a team member ,as opposed to management I would be looking closely to see how you deal with this behaviour. It may be this person has some perceived ideas about you or feel overlooked that they didn't get your job. I would tread carefully as their may be a back story that you are not aware of ,and making relevant enquiries with HR might identify a pattern to her behaviour. Shouting in a confrontational manner from either management or staff is totally unacceptable in my opinion. It maybe today, a member of staff asks to speak with you concerning yesterdays incident. I hope you have a better day today. Stay strong .

Be consistent, clear, don’t react emotionally to her, communicate only as much as you need to. If she’s refusing to do her job as required, record this factually so that you can present the information when you need to. Good luck. Hope she’s gone soon.

You asked for tips on today.

Just ask to have a word with her and tell her that you expect her to be civil and collegial as a minimum, that these skills are just as important as her performance in other elements. Finish with something like, "Let's make it a good day."

And if she raises her voice again, send her home.

Just sending
Be strong OP. Never forget you are in a much more powerful position than her. And that eventually you'll get her out.

Head high and don't take any shit.

You need to have an 'end in sight' or consequence for this piss takers, start off nice and gentle and if they persist go more formal/structured leading to disciplinary or capability warnings.

I hate it when managers dont take action due to fear of grievance, that's letting them manipulate you and a sign of poor management.

But absolutely get the buy in of those above you particularly if you're new in as any grievance will go straight to them.

@sounfairso that person could be me. For years I enjoyed my job. Loved it. Performed brilliantly until my MH difficulties started to come out. My manager was awful at the time and offered no support. I was then treated appallingly by one colleague and reported it and nothing was done. The appalling behaviour continues to date. Another colleague routinely snaps at me, eroding what's left of my confidence and I now have none...no confidence in myself or my work. I know my work has suffered. I just lost all ability to see clearly. Constantly being snapped at/talked at like garbage destroyed me. I maybe could have coped before I had DD. I went back after DD thinking positively maybe things might change. That was two years ago. No. Nothing changed. I held on thinking I could make it right. I couldn't. I felt like I was being buried in quicksand. It came to a head when I had a very sudden but very real panic attack when something rather small happened that immediately mushroomed into something huge. I'm now on anti anxiety pills and the thought of work makes me feel so ill.

I don't blame these two colleagues so much. I blame a management system that is set up to fail people. I have been calling out for help for 4 years. Too scared to leave, scared to stay.

Acas has a good course and online material about managing difficult conversations about eg bad behaviour, poor performance etc m.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3799

@msmith501

“Managers should not be afraid to manage. Company policies and employment law are there to protect managers if things are done properly.“

^amen to this!

You’ve had lots of advice on here. I won’t repeate, but as a manager and union rep follow the rules and procedures. HR (or your management team) should be supportive of you and more than aware of this persons behaviour.

Be the best actor you can be at work - let it all glide over you, if you need to have a cry do it at home and not anywhere near the person. Use the capability process. They will not like it, they will kick off, you will get a grievance (more than likely - it’s a strategy in these situation), but stick to your guns, give them the opportunity to improve, if they don’t then takenit through the full process.

This sounds terrible and not to belittle the impact it is having on you, but organisations generally listen when their clients are affected - sounds like they are.

You will find that this person has probably been left to get on with it, that their behaviour is tolerated because no one would address it. Sadly it falls on you, but be strong and you’ll get through it .

Yes. I got that when I complained. "That is just --, she's always like that, don't take it personally!!"...nobody did anything.

Have you discussed the inappropriate behaviour and the impact of it? That would have to be the first step. Clear records, specific discussion of concerns and support to change.
Each and every time you have to say “Marjorie, can we just stop there a moment please. Your tone/behaviour is not OK. You are shouting at me/ you are refusing a very reasonable request etc”.
Record the times you have addressed the behaviour.

In next one to one you raise it as a concern. Marjorie since we last met I have had to ask you not to shout at me 12 times. Why do you think that is?” Listen. They might not even realise they are doing?
Then state clearly that shouting is unacceptable in the workplace, no debate or discussion. Just a very clear statement of what behaviour is unacceptable.
Then a friendly “Lets devise a plan to help you change the behaviour. What do you think might work?” Get them to take responsibility for changing.Is there training they can do, is their a behaviour framework you could share with them, are they aware of employee counselling and support service?”
Then set a target with a tight timescale.
“By our next one to one I think I want you to have achieved a reduction in the number of times you shout at anyone. Shall we say we’ll look again in two weeks and by then I’d expect to have counted no more than three episodes”. Ask them to log the incidents too. Get them to have ownership.
Then move onto something positive. Tell them you’ve noticed they’re particularly good at x and were hoping they could start using that to do something extra. ( Mentoring, writing a report, taking minutes etc). Show you recognise their skills and experience. Build them up and be positive so they feel valued.
Review in two weeks and if no improvement say so but if there is offer congratulations and tighten the target. Be fulsome in praising their efforts to address the problem and point out the positive impact. If no improvement offer further support and same target but warn that you’ll have no choice but to move to formal performance management if they haven’t met their target by the next meeting.

Try not to personalise anything. Just use facts not judgements.

@Hollanda40 my colleague gets tons of support, offer to train her, show her etc. She won't and openly says I'm not bothering because I don't care about this job.

It's a very negative atmosphere to work in, she puts me on edge because if I do something g she doesn't like, she accuses me of being underhand somehow.

I appreciate you are suffering from MH issues, but the situation here is that she's not very often snapped at, but I too have my limit for how much nasty attitude I can take.

I've just got through one of these. Took me a year to get rid of them.

Anyone saying you can defuse them when their angry hasn't met someone who's determined to make trouble.

My advice, get occupational health involved, ask a "big boss" to appoint a mentor to the person from outside your department. Schedule regular meetings with very specific aims (give discrete SMART projects as well as routine business like punctuality, personal hygiene etc). Keep records like it's going out of fashion, have a third person there.

Happy to chat by DM if you need support. It almost broke me. I had a week off with stress towards the end of it. Horrible.

I would try to work out what the issue is first. Angry outbursts are usually stress related and may be a sign of MH issues. I would level with her and ask her how she is and if there is anything going on as her attitude and behaviour are affecting her work and other colleagues. Give her plenty of time to speak, make eye contact and don't judge her.

You have then shown concern and actually might be able to help her to help herself like a manager should.

If not then at least you have tried to reach out to her.

She might just need some support as hard as it is when she is making your life a misery.

You thread made me so angry. I used to line manage this woman, she was in her 20s (same as me) and she gave me hell every single day. When I raised it I've been told "that's how she is". I was young and stupid so I ended up leaving because of her.

prosecco probably for the best if that’s how they handled problems. There are some shocking management setups in all sorts of organisations. Hence the misery of lots of working people and poor productivity levels.

Star recording everything. I fired the difficult person and it was the best decision

You’ve had some great advice on here OP. Just remember that it is this woman who is the problem- not you. Different management styles are part and parcel of work life, and an organisation should be able to embrace the fact that a new manager may have a different style- nothing wrong with that at all, you shouldn’t feel apologetic for it.

I’ve also come across the ‘oh it’s just her, she’s always like that’ attitude at some points in my career, when I’ve been managing a team with a difficult member. It’s never an acceptable excuse. She needs to stop behaving like a rude child, throwing a strop and start conforming to company policy. It’s actually a form of bullying - albeit by a weak and incompetent team member - but then that’s symptomatic of bullies isn’t it? She needs a kick up the backside, and you shouldn’t be afraid to move swiftly towards disciplinary. Provided you’re doing everything by the book, recording everything and having a witness to all formal meetings, you shouldn’t feel you can’t move towards the disciplinary process.

Naturally this woman will of course feel that she’s the victim and will continue to be a miserable person but that’s her problem. She’s obviously unhappy and disgruntled with life, but you can’t change that; what you can do is change how she behaves in the office