To get a cleaner without telling my husband

[stickystickysticks]

I want one.
I go back to work after maternity soon and I just would love someone to come in and do the things I don't want to. Like the skirting boards, the bathroom, Hoover- stuff like that

Husband thinks it's a waste of money. But I couldn't think of anything better to spend it on if it means I don't have to clean after work with 2 kids running around.

Full disclosure- husband does his fair share of cleaning too- it just doesn't bother him as much as me.

So aibu to get one and just not tell him?

Are there jobs on your husband's half of the list you could swap the ones you especially hate for if he's fine with cleaning?

Yabu. He will wander how your getting it all done and he won't have to do anything. Then this would bece expected of you. Then imagine something happened and you can't afford it any more and he's got used to not needing to do it. You will then be stuck doing it all plus working full time and have a baby because he won't understand why things suddenly not as clean as they were. Just say you are doing it and that's that. But don't hide it.
He will find out too and then wander if you're lying about anything else too

How strange.

Imagine if he came home early one day and found the cleaner there, he’d think they were a thief. YABU to keep one a secret from your husband, it’s a stupid idea, but if you can afford it then just tell him you are getting one... I’m sure he won’t be that against it that it will cause a problem.

Well, how do you make financial decisions in your household?

Does what he wants to spend money on trump what you do? What would you be giving up if you pay for a cleaner?

How do you organise the chores? Do you have responsibilities each? Or when you say “he does his fair share but he’s not as bothered” is that code for “actually a bit lazy and unrealistic about how much work needs to be done regularly so I end up doing more instead of “nagging”’?

How will he not know?
He maybe off work on that day or come home when the cleaner is there? Then what?

I mean technically you could, but it’s not good that you would be lying to your husband. It also suggests that you both don’t really communicate very well if this is the only solution.

Just give him all the cleaning and you take all of something else.

A friend of mine does all the laundry and vacuuming and her OH does all the cooking and food shopping.

It doesn't always have to be 50/50 of every job.

YANBU to want a cleaner, but YABU to do it behind your DHs back. I'd love a cleaner, the second we're in a position to afford one it's happening!

How do you sort your finances?
If you have bills, then personal amounts of spends like many people do, you could use yours for your half of the cleaning. I wouldn't do it in secret through, that's wrong on so many levels.

Ahhh I know I know you're all right. I just REALLY want one.
When I say he's not bothered I mean he's not bothered about doing the cleaning. He doesn't mind it. He's definitely tidier than I am. So he's just like why pay someone else to do something I don't mind doing.

Whereas I do. I hate it. All of it. I hate cleaning, laundry, hoovering. All of it.

We make decisions together normally as all our money is joint. I'm going to broach the subject again and sell it more haha

D.I.Y & pay yourself while DH takes the DC out.

Save it all up & spend it on yourself the DC

Won't work. I'm a cleaner and have been involved in this sort of scenario a few times. Lasts 2-3 weeks at best.

Housework is a necessary evil invented by man for women.
Don't get a cleaner without telling him .
There has to be a compromise.

This is very weird. If you feel a cleaner will help your quality of life, hire one. If you can’t afford one, then either make savings elsewhere or don’t hire one.

Perhaps you could agree to a 3 or 6 month trial and review then, if it makes him more comfortable.

But why on earth would you lie???

You need a lazy arsed husband who LOVES a clean house but doesn’t want to do it
I’m very tidy but not an obsessive cleaner so periodically he arranges with his works cleaner to come do 4 hours. Win/win!!

If he likes it so much he can do it all. Or be happy to have a cleaner. That’s their 2 choices. If it can be afforded that is.

When I say he's not bothered I mean he's not bothered about doing the cleaning. He doesn't mind it. He's definitely tidier than I am. So he's just like why pay someone else to do something I don't mind doing.

Let him do it, then? Offer to do something else entirely - cooking, meal plans, food shopping, dishwasher stacking & unstacking - if he does ALL the cleaning. Do the finances, or the DIY, or all the kid-related thinking chores...

We send our laundry out every week, just the hard to iron stuff, so mainly our work wear.

It felt really indulgent at the start, now I couldn’t be without it.

Just do it and tell him afterwards. You'll find he will appreciate having domestic help even if he didn't want it in the first place. In time it will become 'normal' to him. It's great to have the burden of housework lifted from both sets of shoulders.

Another suggestion - ironing shop. When my husband was alive we loved the ironing shop! However when I first put the idea forward he wasn't interested, said he didn't mind doing himself a shirt in the morning before work. Once he got used to it he was delighted.

None of these things cost the earth, money well spent in my opinion.

YANBU but you shouldn’t have to hide it. It doesn’t sound like a very equal relationship. I’d just tell my partner we’re getting a cleaner and that’s that.

Tell him how important it is to you to get the relief of outsourcing the task altogether. Not in 'is it all right if..?' As in 'I need to do this because..'

I just spat my drink out. Well, I didn't because I don't have one. But. I do have a secret cleaner. My DH is likely to not care and has never asked and she's also a friend so feel like it's less of a big deal but I do sometimes find it funny when he's knows I've been out all day yet doesn't wonder why it's so clean

I am quite old and have never cleaned a skirting board. If I brought a cleaner in now they would no doubt be disgusted with me.

I plan on doing this soon! Although I won’t not be telling my oh, however I won’t be advertising it! I know he won’t care though - my money, my time, my choice what I do with both! I’m pregnant with baby number 2 and want to spend as much time with them (ds1 & dc2) as possible, in between running my own business from home (beauty/aesthetics/SPMU - so about 10-20hrs a wk, and rest when I can too - not do laundry and clean!
I’d do it but not keep it from your husband and just tell him you’re paying for it anyway so he can just continue to do his share by keeping it tidy in between! If your house is anything like mine, I could clean all day and then the next day it will look like I’ve not done a thing again! So my cleaner will be cleaning twice a week - Monday’s and Fridays, half days, with 1 full day a month for deep clean, and doing laundry & ironing Wednesdays. I plan on working those days anyway so makes sense and I feel it will be worth it financially and for my mental health. I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and stress triggered epilepsy (tonic clonic seizures that until recently were 5 times a day while we were selling up and moving house!) so it will also take away a huge stress factor and help me massively - everyone will benefit.
Do it - just tell him though! X