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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband and contact levels? **contains miscarriage info**

77 replies

AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 20:46

Ok so relatively long but I sodding hate backstory posts so please forgive me! Oh and I’ve name changed as I don’t want this linked to my posting history.

Happily married, 8 years, two DS, DH has always been shit with communication, even in the early days of dating it would be 3/4 days between contact and when away with work he’s uncontactable and would be a week or more between calls.

Just over 2 weeks ago I had to call him to come home from work (he wasn’t meant to be in it was a Sunday, he’d gone in to clear his desk as he’d been off on holiday the previous week) and I called an ambulance as was in excruciating pain, turned out I was 5 weeks pregnant, they queried an ectopic but was a burst ovarian cyst, not fun but bounced back quickly and was home the next day.

ILs kindly stayed and helped with the boys whilst I was in hospital and my DM came to stay the next day to help for a week or so. DH hardly around, in work not off out, so understandable but slightly peeved.

So timeline followed:

I started bleeding a couple of days after coming home, already had a follow up scan already booked and it wasn’t painful so called the ward but happy to wait for the scan or things to progress.

DH left for his work, he’s the boss he couldn’t not go and my parents were with me helping with the boys so all fine.

Scan confirmed pregnancy, heartbeat seen, but said it was of uncertain viability and another scan booked for a week later.

Continued bleeding but just a light period, parents had to get back home but physically fine so all good.

Follow up scan was on Monday, spoke to DH on Sunday night, scan showed that the baby’s heart had stopped and that I’ll probably need an operation to remove the problematic ovary. Messaged my parents and DH to let them know. DPs immediately offered to come and stay but they had a break planned with friends and I’m fine physically so I told them not to, DH text me back “xxxx”. I have not heard anything else from him since then.

Bleeding has almost stopped so I’m not sure what will happen with passing the baby but physically I am fine. Emotionally I am sad and angry.

Basically I’m getting more and more angry with him and I don’t know if I’m letting my sadness at the pregnancy ending colour my opinion. He’s at work not on a jolly and he’s useless at being in contact, always has been, but surely he should’ve called or sent a text?!

Please hand me a grip, but gently because of the whole being ridiculously sad about the baby Flowers

OP posts:
Cyrusc · 21/08/2019 22:16

You say he's a good man but that simply isn't the actions of a good man OP...

I would go about trying to get a diagnosis for him if you both think he's on the spectrum, as that would be the only "excuse" I could come up with to justify his behaviour. It's really, really awful that he's shown such little care to your situation. Baffling in fact.

DishingOutDone · 22/08/2019 00:06

I'm not usually lost for words but I remain confused as to why this is ok OP.

Maybe if you could explain why you posted? If you are just going to tell him he should have got in touch and he's going to shrug it off, and then you are going to carry on as normal ... I assume that's your plan?

Evilspiritgin · 22/08/2019 00:20

How was he with your previous miscarriages? Does he usually compartmentalises his emotions?

Bembridge124 · 22/08/2019 00:36

Sounds like he has all but checked out of your marriage

Kaddm · 22/08/2019 00:43

I am sorry for the situation you are in and I would call on your mum for support.

On the spectrum wouldn’t cut it for me op. My teen is on the spectrum and he worries if someone hurt/ill is ok. I’d say psychopath, not autism.

Toneitdown · 22/08/2019 02:17

OP, this is awful. I know you say he's crap with comms, but that doesn't excuse this. Him not contacting you at all in this time period means that he's not thinking about you at this difficult time. That speaks volumes about your marriage and how he sees you.

So sorry about everything that's happened Flowers

Whatsername7 · 22/08/2019 05:58

YANBU. I will say, mc massively screwed with my dh's head. He seemed completely emotionless about it too until I found him sat in the garden sobbing in the middle of the night about a month after.

cakecakecheese · 22/08/2019 07:24

Well yes the normal reaction would be to drop everything and come see you or if that really really wasn't possible then to call you and check on you regularly.

You can't teach empathy and understanding. When he's back let him know how much his lack of contact upset you but don't expect him to understand.

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 22/08/2019 07:27

@RightYesButNo I’ve already had the appt through for - I assume - the laparoscopic investigation and phoned my DM straight away asking her to come and stay will do the same if surgery is required! I think the fact that I could be very ill right now and he would have no idea unless someone called him is what is fucking me off the most. Although knowing him he’s assuming that no news is good news 🙄

@livinglavidavillanelle thank you, that is reassuring amongst all these posts!

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 22/08/2019 07:33

Sorry for not responding to everyone, thank you for being relatively gentle, particularly so for AIBU!

Yes he can be a thoughtless twat but he doesn’t mean to be which I think is key, I will be telling him quite how pissed off and hurt I am by his lack of contact this week and the fact that what contact there has been was shit too, and will be asking him to have a reminder on his phone to call us when he goes away in the future.

Flowers
OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2019 07:39

I think I would be telling his parents all about this. Perhaps he would listen to them and talk it through with them. Maybe that's a cop out though and it needs just to be a discussion between the two of you. It's inexplicable though that he isn't at least checking you are ok.

Bartlet · 22/08/2019 07:45

I’m going to take a completely different tack than the posters who are frothing and saying leave him and recount what I’ve learnt from living and loving someone with autism (I know you said he hadn’t been diagnosed but seems likely)

His reaction when you are dealing with someone with autism is not unexpected. You’ve told him something that he can’t fix or make better and you haven’t told him what you expect him to do. So therefore he doesn’t realise he needs to phone or come home. It’s probably not that he doesn’t care about you or the miscarriage, it’s just that he thinks his presence or communication will make any difference to the outcome.

Yes in the ideal world he would have understood that emotional support is important too and jumped on a train but he’s not a mind reader so if you want that you’re going to have to tell him specifically what support you need. He’s not going to realise that himself. That may be a deal breaker for you (and many other people on this thread apparently) but you can’t change what he is in this regard.

This is the downside of living with someone with autism but I’ve found there are many many upsides which compensate. It’s up to you to decide whether the good outweighs the bad.

Bartlet · 22/08/2019 07:47

Argh. Typo. * won’t make any difference to the outcome.

Holidaysmoliday · 22/08/2019 07:50

@Bartlet but without a diagnosis she may be giving g him that empathy when he is actually capable of caring but doesn’t choose to?

Have you raised the possibility of him seeking a diagnosis and thus support for you both OP?

Hope his homecoming today goes ok and your surgery is straightforward.
Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 22/08/2019 07:57

@Bartlet yes that is exactly it, he can’t change the outcome and I haven’t asked for help so it’s in a box that he’ll deal with when home. Although I don’t quite understand why he hasn’t checked to make sure I’m alive, but I guess that’s a conversation for when he’s home!

OP posts:
Bartlet · 22/08/2019 07:58

That’s true Holidays. He may just be a thoughtless asshole who genuinely doesn’t care about his wife. We don’t know him

The OP is best placed to judge what has caused this behaviour and whether it’s callousness or something else.

My OH has described situations like this as incredibly scary as he doesn’t know what’s expected of him. He doesn’t have an innate understanding of how he should react to support and sometimes assumes that if I don’t ask for support then I’d actually prefer him to stay away (as that’s how he’d feel himself).

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 22/08/2019 07:59

@Bartlet oh and yes I won’t be leaving, he’s fucked up, but he is a good man.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 22/08/2019 08:00

@Bartlet that is exactly how he describes it, he doesn’t know how he should react and it worries him. Not enough to call obviously before anyone jumps on me but he isn’t an arsehole!

OP posts:
Bartlet · 22/08/2019 08:01

In that case then can I suggest that you sit down when he’s home and calmly lay out what you expect from him in these situations so he knows and can act accordingly next time.

I know many posters will be reading that incredulously but they obviously haven’t lived with anyone with autism.... shrugs.

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 22/08/2019 08:02

@Holidaysmoliday no not asked for a diagnosis but may be something to consider. Thank you Flowers I’m driving myself slightly mad at the moment by hoping the incredibly experienced and lovely sonographer was wrong and there is a heartbeat as bleeding has stopped but realistically I know it’ll just start again soon Sad

OP posts:
Windygate · 22/08/2019 08:03

To a degree you enable his behaviour, an appointment for a medical procedure arrives so you immediately ask your DM to come and stay to look after DC and possibly you. Your H knows that you will organise everything and not expect him to step up.

He should be staying at home and looking after his family not expecting his MIL to do his job.

I'm sorry your going through this awful loss, I know how awful it is 💐

Abouttimemum · 22/08/2019 08:08

We went through something similar and while my husband wasn’t a bag of emotions through the whole thing he slept in a hospital chair for three nights, didn’t leave my side and hugged me all day. He cried later when it finally hit him what we’d been through. He said he’d just been trying to be strong for me.
I find the whole thing utterly bizarre. Definitely find it bizarre that you don’t speak to each other when he’s away. I couldn’t imagine that.

Definitely try for a diagnosis. There is no other excuse under the sun for his behaviour.

MrsMozartMkII · 22/08/2019 08:18

I've been with my DH for 20+ years.

I've had to effectively train him to act out what is in his head and to see how his in/actions impact others, mainly me as he's not really close to anyone else other than our DDs.

The other day he asked me to tell him at the time when he did or didn't do something, so he could understand it in the moment, which I did and he could actually see how what he did caused me some hurt (my feelings, not physically).

I don't find it easy as I'm used to shutting off my own feelings and not making a fuss. The potential for having a smoother life will make it worthwhile though!

lifecouldbeadream · 22/08/2019 08:37

Ah HUGS. He’s been very crap. YANBU to be pissed off. Regardless of his own personality- he SHOULD have realised this needed more than a xxx text. Assuming he’s reasonably successful at work- he can’t be useless at all human interactions- he must have realised you might need support.

I think if you have a DP who is a bit shit at this kind of thing you need to be more upfront about what you need. Having an OP of that magnitude/type it’s not acceptable for him to not be mentally present, work or not. Were it me in your shoes, he’d be in no doubt about how I felt about it. You might be the sort who is stoic, but even if you are happy to manage alone, he should have offered to come home.

ChuckleBuckles · 22/08/2019 08:52

OP has he not even contacted you about your two DC at all? Do your children just not miss their dad when he is away, does he not miss them? This has to be one of the saddest things that I have read on here.

At this point I think you just need to focus on getting through this yourself, have any family and friends you need around you and when you are feeling stronger then decide what you need from your husband, be it marriage counselling to communicate or whatever. And stop protecting him from others, the fact that his own mum had to tell him to contact you and he still hasn't is just wow, no words really.

Flowers for you