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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about husband and contact levels? **contains miscarriage info**

77 replies

AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 20:46

Ok so relatively long but I sodding hate backstory posts so please forgive me! Oh and I’ve name changed as I don’t want this linked to my posting history.

Happily married, 8 years, two DS, DH has always been shit with communication, even in the early days of dating it would be 3/4 days between contact and when away with work he’s uncontactable and would be a week or more between calls.

Just over 2 weeks ago I had to call him to come home from work (he wasn’t meant to be in it was a Sunday, he’d gone in to clear his desk as he’d been off on holiday the previous week) and I called an ambulance as was in excruciating pain, turned out I was 5 weeks pregnant, they queried an ectopic but was a burst ovarian cyst, not fun but bounced back quickly and was home the next day.

ILs kindly stayed and helped with the boys whilst I was in hospital and my DM came to stay the next day to help for a week or so. DH hardly around, in work not off out, so understandable but slightly peeved.

So timeline followed:

I started bleeding a couple of days after coming home, already had a follow up scan already booked and it wasn’t painful so called the ward but happy to wait for the scan or things to progress.

DH left for his work, he’s the boss he couldn’t not go and my parents were with me helping with the boys so all fine.

Scan confirmed pregnancy, heartbeat seen, but said it was of uncertain viability and another scan booked for a week later.

Continued bleeding but just a light period, parents had to get back home but physically fine so all good.

Follow up scan was on Monday, spoke to DH on Sunday night, scan showed that the baby’s heart had stopped and that I’ll probably need an operation to remove the problematic ovary. Messaged my parents and DH to let them know. DPs immediately offered to come and stay but they had a break planned with friends and I’m fine physically so I told them not to, DH text me back “xxxx”. I have not heard anything else from him since then.

Bleeding has almost stopped so I’m not sure what will happen with passing the baby but physically I am fine. Emotionally I am sad and angry.

Basically I’m getting more and more angry with him and I don’t know if I’m letting my sadness at the pregnancy ending colour my opinion. He’s at work not on a jolly and he’s useless at being in contact, always has been, but surely he should’ve called or sent a text?!

Please hand me a grip, but gently because of the whole being ridiculously sad about the baby Flowers

OP posts:
PennyNotSoWise · 21/08/2019 21:18

So sorry OP Flowers You've every right to be upset with him. Four kisses, is that the best support he can offer you at a time like this?

At least your family sound supportive.

Whyhaveidonethis · 21/08/2019 21:23

Massive hugs. I've had 2 miscarriages myself the past 4 months so know you must feel terrible. My exh was like this. He worked abroad and important stuff would go on in my life and he was shite at communicating. It's what split us up in the end.

I'd be raging though. X

DishingOutDone · 21/08/2019 21:23

I'm so sorry this has happened but I'm confused by the fact that you accept his behaviour. Ok you say you don't like it, but you have enabled it for at least 8 years. How you have a relationship if he can't show any emotion? Is he this cold with your DCs? Sad

If you've confronted him before and accepted that he will not change, then other than sympathy, what are you looking for from your post? It sounds to me like he checked out of the marriage a long time ago. Flowers for you.

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 21:24

@Crunched as bad as it sounds I’m not sure if he has any emotion towards it all. Not in a nasty way just in a how he is way.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 21:26

@Wonderland18 thank you Flowers

@PennyNotSoWise both sets of parents are very supportive, although I’ve not told either of them about the current lack of contact and ILs don’t know about pregnancy as I can’t deal with comforting MIL right now. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/08/2019 21:27

YANBU to be angry

But if that's genuinely how he is, you will need to spell it out to him. Have you texted him to say you're struggling and devastated about the baby and need his support and please could he call you?

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 21:28

@Whyhaveidonethis so sorry you’ve been through it too, this will be my third miscarriage in 12 months but this one feels a bit more full on. Hope you’re ok Flowers

OP posts:
BlackNoir · 21/08/2019 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 21:30

@DishingOutDone because other than communication when he’s away from home he is a good man, we’re all allowed a flaw, I just currently want to scream at him because of his.

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 21/08/2019 21:30

I think you need to spell it out to him how you are feeling, and his lack of communication is not helping you. If he is tunnel vision at work (my own DH is and we have a DC with ASD, and pretty sure DH is too) then he could set an alarm on his phone or whatever to check in with you at a certain time, maybe evening when back at hotel.

Holidaysmoliday · 21/08/2019 21:32

Have you rang him?
If you did and said “DH I appreciate you don’t communicate when away with work but please think about he last contact we had and what news I told you? Don’t you think I might have wanted to talk to you or hear from you given you arent here to give me a hug?”

Tell him you are hurting and I think his response will guide you.

If he’s genuinely upset and sorry he’s hurt you but agrees he just reverted to his usual way of being then you can decide if you can accept his usual.

If he doesn’t get it all and suggests you are being ridiculous then again you decide if you can be with someone who minimises your feelings that much.

Don’t ever minimise your own feelings in response to his actions. How can you even question if you are right to want some love and support from your own DH when you have lost a baby and face surgery?

Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 21:32

@AmIRightOrAMeringue I haven’t no, I was almost curious as to how long he would leave it and the longer it’s been the more angry I’ve become and the less I’ve wanted to call him

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 21:35

@ShawshanksRedemption the alarm/reminder is a great suggestion, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUaboutHusband · 21/08/2019 21:37

@Holidaysmoliday that is a really good message, thank you, he is due home tomorrow night so I might send that tomorrow morning so he has a heads up that I am not particularly impressed with his behaviour and we’ll see how he responds Flowers

OP posts:
DieBabySharkDie · 21/08/2019 21:41
Flowers
Grambler · 21/08/2019 21:43

OK - so putting the complete lack of emotional support aside - what about practical support? Isn't he interested in whether you need child care, a hospital stay, whatever? Or is it just out of sight out of mind you'll get on with it whatever.

toadabode · 21/08/2019 21:45

He sounds awful OP. Not the actions of a man who loves his wife, I mean truly loves her. I'd be seriously questioning the marriage. I hope you're ok OP, all the best xxx

minibroncs · 21/08/2019 21:47

If someone asks you to call your partner, who's going through a tough time, every day and you agree, then failing to do so has nothing to do with poor communication skills or lacking empathy. It's a clearly defined task that does not require empathy to execute. Dialling a phone isn't a communication skill either.

I assume he does not have difficulty remembering such simple tasks at work if he's been able to hold his job down this long. So it's just bothering to call you he has an issue with.

His actions are communicating something though. Your anger makes sense.

Aberhonddu · 21/08/2019 21:51

@BlackNoir
Did you miss the part when op said she had spoken to her husband?
Flowers for you AIBUaboutHusband
This is a terrible situation for you and I'm really sorry that your husband isn't being more supportive

dollydaydream114 · 21/08/2019 21:56

OP, first of all, I'm sorry about what's happened to you.

Regarding your husband ... I'm kind of speechless. It is absolutely incomprehensible to me that anyone could be told that their partner had miscarried and was going to have to have an ovary removed and for their ONE RESPONSE to be a single text that says 'xxxx'. He should be there with you, let's face it, but if he absolutely cannot, then it is unforgivable that he wouldn't calling and texting whenever he possibly can. I just can't imagine how anyone can know their wife has gone through that and then just say literally nothing. For days.

RightYesButNo · 21/08/2019 21:57

OP, I hope you’re okay and please consider letting your parent come and help you if you’re having surgery. Ovarian surgery is a bit rough - I couldn’t have cared for two children after.

As for your husband, you say you’re happily married so I don’t know what to tell you. Either he doesn’t work away too often, or this behavior is normal and you're normally ok with it but you’re fucked off because you can’t believe he’d still act like this even in your current circumstances. Sadly, now you know. If you want more (and you should, because frankly by now you could have been in hospital with sepsis and he’d have no damn idea) you need to sit him down when he returns and be very clear about what you need and expect. If he still doesn’t do it, then you can either put up with it forever or leave (and you’ve said you won’t leave). Honestly, I’d tell him if he can’t remember to think of you without help, he needs to learn to just set an alarm in his phone every night, because there’s no damn excuse with smart phones to remind of us everything - there’s really not.

livinglavidavillanelle · 21/08/2019 21:58

That does make sense, and honestly I do think it makes a difference. If there's a possibility that he's on the spectrum, coupled with a situation that in some way may make it hard for him to deal with, it does mean there's less chance he's just being an asshole, and every possibility that he's just decided subconsciously not to deal with it right now. I understand that doesn't make it easier for you, and this needs to be clarified in no uncertain terms to him, I just don't think it warrants the normal levels of mn vilification for being neglectful of your feelings.

MissBridgetJones · 21/08/2019 22:00

I didn't want to read and run.

So just sending you a little squeeze x

Quartz2208 · 21/08/2019 22:10

I would be in contact with a friend with news like this the fact he hasn’t is awful. It is telling you havent told anyone either that he hasn’t

And presumably he is no contact with his children as well does he have any sort of relationship with them?

And why won’t you consider leaving this isn’t an emotionally fulfilling relationship for you

Abouttimemum · 21/08/2019 22:12

Most people’s husbands would have been with them at the scan on Monday. It’s just a job. It’s disgusting to be perfectly honest with you and his behaviour is unacceptable.
It sounds like you literally never talk to each other!!
I’m really sorry for everything you’re going through Flowers