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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much is too much? Helping out ex

29 replies

BaggyPantsDance · 21/08/2019 19:03

Hs ex has a habit of ringing him and asking favours for lots of things. If her boiler breaks, she rings him. If she gets new furniture she asks him to help put it together, if something goes on her car, just generally whenever she needs a favour.

I'm really not someone who wants to get in the way or cause 'issues' but how much of this is too much?

For full disclosure they do have one child together but I wouldn't say they get on very well. They co parent fine but they aren't particularly complimentary about each other and so it's not as though they are friends outside of their child.

She has a brother who lives close by and is apparently seeing someone so I don't really understand the constant need for H to be the one to fix her problems.

It's always said with a lot of entitlement as well like 'you have to do x because otherwise I can't do y' or 'when can you do X because I'm waiting to do y' etc...

He usually makes excuses but then ends up relenting and doing it to get her of his case.

Maybe I'm just being silly but AIBU to think that they aren't together anymore and she needs to get someone else to deal with day to day things like this?

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 21/08/2019 19:15

He needs to start saying no and suggesting she calls on her family for such tasks. I can understand if it’s a favour such as my car has broke down and our child is at friends house can you collect her and bring her home. But not for can you come round and put this flat pack set of bedside tables together because our child needs a lamp in their room to read at night.
I would even go as far as saying she doing it to show you your h is at her beck and call. I’d be knocking it on the head ASAP

IAskTooManyQuestions · 21/08/2019 19:17

I suppose it depends how any of this impacts his childs life eg does he do car repairs so his child can be safely transported? Does he put furniture together because his child needs some where to eat, sit, hang up her coat? Does he fix the boiler because his child needs warm water and heating?

Original poster
BaggyPantsDance · 21/08/2019 19:20

Thing is that the stuff like boiler and car, he can't do anything about so all he ends up doing is calling someone.

We also need a working boiler and car for the child but wouldn't dream of asking her to arrange someone to call round to sort it.

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 21/08/2019 19:21

I think there’s a line between helping out and taking the Michael

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 19:24

I agree. Dps ex used to be like this. He realised he was having the piss taken out of him and learnt to say no!

She is a grown adult. She needs to sort out her own problems!

ColaFreezePop · 21/08/2019 19:25

Find local handymen etc and have a list on the wall in the hall and copied on your phone.

Tell your DP of the list.

Then when she calls for help tell him to refer her to one of the names on the list.

Plasebeafleabite · 21/08/2019 19:26

I’m afraid I’m a bit like this

He helps me sort things around the house and not be ripped off at the garage

He feeds the pets when I go away

In return I keep on the marital home so our ds does not have to move, can keep his beloved pets and can be transported in safety and comfort

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could move into a luxury apartment, take no responsibility for my ds 361 (yes you read that correctly) days of the year and afford an expensive new car every three years?

pikapikachu · 21/08/2019 19:29

Just seen that he's not a tradesman. Getting him to call a plumber is ridiculous.

Assuming that she's not disabled or something, it's fine to say no. You can pay people to put them together if it's really hard. Sometimes flatpack needs a second person- is child old enough to be that second pair of hands?

Original poster
BaggyPantsDance · 21/08/2019 19:29

Plase, that isn't our situation though. He's a good Dad. We have DC half the week every week. They weren't married, were together 3 years and split up 7 years ago.

I don't mind odd things, really I don't but some of them are just bizarre. Like the car and boiler which he couldn't do anything with but ring a garage/boiler company. And like I say it's the entitlement of it, he's even had to leave work early sometimes because she needs X doing by this time etc. etc.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/08/2019 19:32

After 7 years it's ridiculous they've been apart far longer than they were together!!

Reasonable is asking for direct DC related stuff. Do an extra pick up/drop off, have an extra night because car isn't working/heating not working etc.

Original poster
BaggyPantsDance · 21/08/2019 19:32

Sometimes flatpack needs a second person- is child old enough to be that second pair of hands?

Possibly. Depending what it was.

It really boiled my piss last time because H came home really annoyed that he'd been round and made some furniture up and her brother was actually there and didn't help! Just stood talking. He was gone for ages and used up his evening after work.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 21/08/2019 19:33

But he will carry on doing stuff if you don’t tell him it’s annoying you. Is he just jumping and asking how high every time she asks? I would lose all respect for him.

Thuglife · 21/08/2019 19:34

Hmm- I’m afraid I’m also a bit this ex like the previous poster. My Ex has had our daughter overnight a grand total of three nights since we separated 3 years ago. He behaves like a complete man child frittering money on festivals and drugs while I have be the grown up and feed, house & clothe our child. If he does a few things to help so be it. Mind you he also spends any time in my house whining about his life & how we should be together again Hmm

Original poster
BaggyPantsDance · 21/08/2019 19:34

I think it's a case of 'we have a child and therefore you have to do whatever I ask forever'.

I wouldn't mind so much if it was asked politely but it's just expected. Constant hounding if he isn't free right then and there etc...

OP posts:
Plasebeafleabite · 21/08/2019 19:34

Ok based on your last 2 posts I think you have a point Grin

I think if the task is for the dc welfare though dad has a responsibility

Original poster
BaggyPantsDance · 21/08/2019 19:34

Again Thug, that's nothing like my H.

OP posts:
Thuglife · 21/08/2019 19:55

No I know your situation is different BaggyPantsDance my ex really is one of a kind HmmGrin.

TowelNumber42 · 21/08/2019 21:07

Does your H want to change the situation?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 21/08/2019 21:30

This isn't about her, though, is it? It's about him not setting the boundaries you feel he needs to put in place. She's entitled to do as she pleases and could ask him to go on a mini break with her if she wanted to; it's up to him if he responds and spends time with her he doesn't need to.

Speak to him if you're unhappy with the situation. But don't put it on her shoulders. He needs to learn to say no.

Original poster
BaggyPantsDance · 21/08/2019 21:35

Yes you're right it is more about him.

I was unsure if I was BU to say anything.

OP posts:
Happygilmorelove · 21/08/2019 21:37

No way op, she is taking the piss. He needs to set some boundaries.

Ellie56 · 21/08/2019 21:37

Your DH is enabling this batshit nonsense.

He needs to learn to say No.

TowelNumber42 · 21/08/2019 21:58

Could he be persuaded that he's stopping her from moving on by letting her use him for support like this?

Batqueen · 22/08/2019 11:14

I never understand this kind of helplessness that need men to do some basic adulting - in the same way that men don’t need wives or mothers to do their laundry, sewing or ironing, women can put together furniture, speak to handymen etc. I might sometimes call my dad for advice but 95% of the time he will tell me I had the right plan anyway and the other 5% I learn something.
YANBU!

Motoko · 22/08/2019 11:31

Why can't she put her own flatpack furniture together? And why can't she ring the plumber or garage? Suggest to him that next time, he gives her the number to ring, and don't get drawn into any arguments about why she can't do it.

YANBU OP, she's taking the piss, and knows she is. Did he leave her by any chance? Maybe she's trying to get back at him?

Speak to him, and ask him that when he says no to her, he doesn't reply to any further calls or texts from her about it.