To think he shouldn’t go?

[ChangeNameMcNameChange]

I think I’m not, but maybe I am.

My DP and I were invited to a wedding last year. His oldest friend from his first job. My DP was asked to be in the wedding party, and the wedding is next weekend in America (his fiance was born in the states but hasn’t lived their for some time).

In that time, we’ve had a baby who is now 6 weeks old. I assumed from the off my DP would back out of the wedding but he hasn’t. I’ve told him how anxious and upset I feel about being alone with the baby (he is really colicky and has such bad reflux) but he’s still adamant he’s going.

He’s spent hundreds on flights and accommodation as he’s taking his adult children from his previous relationship, who weren’t on the invite but he’s taking them in my place. I floated the idea of us taking the baby a while ago and he shot it down saying he thinks he is too little to fly (that’s when I assumed he wouldn’t go).

They’re going for a week and spending three days sight seeing as well.

I’ve been doing all the night shifts with the baby, I’m knackered, I’m anxious, I’m tearful, I’ve only just stopped bleeding after a very difficult birth.

We don’t live in the same country as my parents so it’s not even like they can step in to help (and they run their own business which is hard for them to take time off from - this time of year is their busiest time).

There’s no changing his mind but I suppose I just wanted some reassurance that I’m not the most unreasonable bitch ever, as I’ve been told I am being difficult.

It’s an irrelevant side note but this old friend didn’t acknowledge the birth of our baby at all and my DP is always going on about how weddings are pointless and marriage is meaningless, so that stings a bit too.

I just keep crying. It’s all they keep talking about in the family WhatsApp group we have and I honestly just feel sick when I think about it.

Sorry, that’s an essay but I just feel so sad about it all.

I think he’s looking forward to a trip with his older kids.
The timing is rotten but if it were me, I’d accept it and give him my blessing on the strength that he owes me a big one to be recalled at will when required.

Lots of people will tell you he’s a piece of shit to consider it. That’s how they feel. It’s not something that would have overly bothered me but we’re all different.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. The first few months after having a baby are the most difficult.

However in the same breath, he’s not being unreasonable for not backing out either. I get that it’s really really shitty that you’re going to be alone for a week but if it’s been planned and set in stone for a long time then you both knew months in advance that your baby would be around this age when the wedding was happening and it was months ago that the invite should have been declined, not last minute.

My partner went on a stag do when my first born was around 6 weeks old and tbh I loved having the space. I slept when my son slept and just enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I don't think either of you are being UR. It's bad timing.

I understand why you want him there and I understand why he wants to go.

Is there anyone who could come and stay with you over the week and help you out?

@100timewforgotten I think if I had a sleeper I’d probably feel better but he just never sleeps unless he’s being held!

I think if you’re struggling (which is fair enough with a newborn at the best of times let alone a colicky one) then he shouldn’t be leaving you. I get he would be disappointed and lose money, but you and the baby ought to take priority.

Whether it’s reasonable to spend so much money on a holiday/ treat for only one of you might be questionable depending on your finances. But I don’t think being on your own with a 6 week old is a reason not to go.

YANBU to feel anxious about having the baby for a week by yourself, especially considering the colic and lack of support. However, what do you mean by assumed he wasn't going around that time? Did you not have the conversation? I do think it would be unfair on the couple and his older children for your DP to cancel now, a week before.

It's rotten timing.
Perhaps should do the night shifts until he goes, give you a bit of rest and respite.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted we moved to a different country four years ago - as soon as his youngest finished uni - for his work, and my friends and family are busy back home with their own lives I suppose. I’ve asked a few but no one can and I don’t want to put anyone in an awkward situation by forcing them to come.

I don’t really have friends as such here, just his colleagues, I work freelance for the company that employed me back home. I considered looking into flying back home for the week but DP is adamant that the baby is too little to fly.

@Unicornhamster totally agree it would be unfair to cancel. We talked about it a couple of times and he kept saying he’d see how things were when baby was here.

My SIL and a few others kept saying ‘he won’t go!’ And I guess I let myself think that, which is my bad.

He’s said from the start he wont do the night shift because he has to work - most nights he sleeps in a different room.

Babies can fly once they're two days old. Yours is old enough. If you want to fly home for the week then do it.

Your baby is not too little to fly. I flew long haul with my first child when she was very small and it was much easier than when she was older. Fly home to your parents and although they will be working, you will have support and company around you

@pollywollydolly - he hasn’t got a passport! And I’m worried it would cause a row

He won’t do the night shift because he has to work?! What about you having to be responsible for keeping a whole human alive? Surely that requires more sleep than his job??

As well - I was invited away for my best friend’s 40th next month but he said ‘you’re not going right?’

I hate that it’s fine for dad to duck out but not for mum!

This will also be the second holiday with the adult DC this year and not the last - there’s another trip planned around the new year which we’re not invited on. I think he feels guilty for having another baby so overcompensates a little bit? We’re not having a holiday at all this year, as in me him and DS.

So he won’t do night shifts, sleeps in a different room, dictates that the baby is too young to fly all the while swanning off and leaving you in your own. I think he sounds very inconsiderate.

• I hate that it’s fine for dad to duck out but not for mum!

It isn't.

Yababitu, because he spent so much on it already. The time to decide no was when you found you were pregnant and the dates. I think now it isn't rrally fair to resent him going as he has looked forward to it so long. Good luck with the baby.

Having read your update which I cross posted with, I’m upgrading my view from he sounds very inconsiderate to he sounds like a total cunt

@Quaffy I know. I am really disappointed as he’s so good with his other children and I’ve been in their lives a long time, so I thought when we had a baby it would be the same.

His job is really high pressure and it affords us a good life but I’m sad. And I don’t know how much of that is just hormonal sadness.

Your recent updates make him seem a bit of a dick to be honest. Can you get a fast track passport? Even if it means you only get say four days at home whilst he away? You could always stay a whole week even when he’s back?

my DP is always going on about how weddings are pointless and marriage is meaningless, so that stings a bit too.

He sounds really committed.

Whatever you do, do not pack in FT work to be a 'SAHM' to this guy. He doesn't see childcare as his responsibility at all (hence, probably why his previous 'relationship' failed) and puts himself and his desires first or you are 'difficult'.

Marriage is pointless to him, of course. He's pretty classic.

You'll have to suck this one up, but when people show you who they are, listen.