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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he shouldn’t go?

85 replies

ChangeNameMcNameChange · 21/08/2019 19:03

I think I’m not, but maybe I am.

My DP and I were invited to a wedding last year. His oldest friend from his first job. My DP was asked to be in the wedding party, and the wedding is next weekend in America (his fiance was born in the states but hasn’t lived their for some time).

In that time, we’ve had a baby who is now 6 weeks old. I assumed from the off my DP would back out of the wedding but he hasn’t. I’ve told him how anxious and upset I feel about being alone with the baby (he is really colicky and has such bad reflux) but he’s still adamant he’s going.

He’s spent hundreds on flights and accommodation as he’s taking his adult children from his previous relationship, who weren’t on the invite but he’s taking them in my place. I floated the idea of us taking the baby a while ago and he shot it down saying he thinks he is too little to fly (that’s when I assumed he wouldn’t go).

They’re going for a week and spending three days sight seeing as well.

I’ve been doing all the night shifts with the baby, I’m knackered, I’m anxious, I’m tearful, I’ve only just stopped bleeding after a very difficult birth.

We don’t live in the same country as my parents so it’s not even like they can step in to help (and they run their own business which is hard for them to take time off from - this time of year is their busiest time).

There’s no changing his mind but I suppose I just wanted some reassurance that I’m not the most unreasonable bitch ever, as I’ve been told I am being difficult.

It’s an irrelevant side note but this old friend didn’t acknowledge the birth of our baby at all and my DP is always going on about how weddings are pointless and marriage is meaningless, so that stings a bit too.

I just keep crying. It’s all they keep talking about in the family WhatsApp group we have and I honestly just feel sick when I think about it.

OP posts:

Juells · 21/08/2019 19:38

A bit mean to post and run. In all honesty, if you're a lot younger than he is, you should be looking at your options. He already has older children, you'd expect him to be more understanding than somebody very young. If he isn't, he isn't likely to change now.

Original poster

ChangeNameMcNameChange · 21/08/2019 19:38

I feel like he’s a bit of a dick at the moment. It’s almost like he’s not that bothered about quality baby time because it’s not new or exciting for him.

I’m going to look into fast track passports, it’s only about 90 mins to fly home - that’s O.k. for a baby right? I’m nervous to take him on a plane alone but my friend says babies are very portable.

OP posts:

mamansnet · 21/08/2019 19:39

I really feel for you OP, I also live abroad and my DH knew he would be away with work in the month after my due date and there was no way out of it. I knew while pregnant that I was facing a week at home completely alone with my newborn first child. I begged and begged my family to come and stay but they wouldn't couldn't.

In the end I took myself off to my PILs and let them look after us while DH was away. We'd had enough warning to sort a passport though.

Do you have any friends from home or siblings/aunts/cousins who could come out to help? Or any other new mum friends (antenatal class?) who could keep you company in the daytime at least? I had a neighbour who would took DS out for a walk once or twice while I slept, she was a godsend.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/08/2019 19:39

He sounds an arse. Like everything he wants to do is more important than what you want to do. See if you can get that passport. You need some support and if he isn’t going to provide it, he is hardly entitled to prevent you from getting it.

Zebraaa · 21/08/2019 19:39

Didn’t you post this before? Sounds very similar.

20viona · 21/08/2019 19:40

This is a difficult one. My baby is also 6 weeks old and I would be alright with my partner doing this trip if it was in our circumstances, but due to your lack of support and your anxiety maybe it's a little insensitive of him.

timshelthechoice · 21/08/2019 19:40

His job is really high pressure and it affords us a good life but I’m sad.

It affords you nothing. Because you are unmarried, you have no rights at all to any of his income bar child maintenance, and if he's self-employed he can easily hide a lot of his income to pay next to nothing.

He's fed you a line.

Chivers53 · 21/08/2019 19:40

If he has spent loads already then it makes sense for him to go, my DH went away with work for 4 months when she was 3 weeks old, so I do empathise though. Although it's more than crap he has put you in this position, and you need to talk about things going forward; you will do amazing. I actually enjoyed having some time alone and getting into a routine to be honest. He could have taken you and baby, but he probably wants to get drunk I'm assuming and, no offense, not want to be tied to a baby (I don't think that's fair by the way and he should look after his child, but guessing he sees it that way). Do you have any friends that can help you out now and then when he is away? It's a bit different I guess as a lot of my friends are in a similar position to me, but I've been more than happy to pop over whilst theyve been alone and help with washing, tidying, cooking etc- maybe someone could do the same with you? It is hard not to resent it when it seems their lives haven't changed that much, I think you need to talk about it, especially some of the other things you have mentioned.

Mummyshark2018 · 21/08/2019 19:41

In your position I would go and visit family. Assuming you're uk based, does your family lives outside the uk? Your baby is not too small to fly. I flew when mine was 4 weeks old. Easiest flight we've ever done with her. She slept from the car journey to the airport until we landed on the other side (short flight).
Also I would be making sure I went to my friends 40th if I wanted to go!

cordeliavorkosigan · 21/08/2019 19:41

He doesn’t get to decide that he gets all the holidays and all the sleep! Guess it’s been a while but he needs to recall that newborns mean loss of sleep and not just for the mum.
I flew long haul with an 8 week old and a toddler. The baby was easy!
And your DH doesn’t get to decide that the baby is too young when it is factually incorrect and isolates you. Totally not on.

Nanny0gg · 21/08/2019 19:41

You've got a prize there - not!

I assume he won't care for his baby on his own, so you can't go anywhere?

Get the passport and go to your parents.

Take your time coming back...

Chivers53 · 21/08/2019 19:42

@ChangeNameMcNameChange yes, if you can get home 90 minutes is fine. It's easier to fly with younger babies to be honest than older ones who are starting to be mobile and need entertaining all the time.

mamansnet · 21/08/2019 19:42

Just to add to my previous post, babies can fly from 2 weeks old. My FS took his first flight at 5 weeks and he was a dream, just BF and slept on the plane. Your biggest problem is going to be the passport - don't think you can get child passports in less than a week, assuming you're getting a British one.

Oh and your husband is a complete dick. Sorry.

notacooldad · 21/08/2019 19:42

I think a few thinks need to be looked at
And I’m worried it would cause a row Why would a row bother you. Sure they are not great but it sounds like you try and keep things on an even keel by avoiding putting your point of view across just in case if an argument. That's not healthy
You say you have no friends here. That's not good either. Do you think it may be an idea to go to parent and baby groups and start to socialise?
With regard to DP going away for a week to be honest if hexwont help with the nights and he's working all day are you sure you are even going to miss him that much?

timshelthechoice · 21/08/2019 19:42

It’s almost like he’s not that bothered about quality baby time because it’s not new or exciting for him.

It probably wasn't first time round, either.

Original poster

ChangeNameMcNameChange · 21/08/2019 19:44

We’re the same age ish - late 30s/early 40s. He had his first child in his late teens and the second one not too long after that.

I think I’m taking from this I’m not unreasonable to be sad but I am unreasonable to expect him to have cancelled.

That’s basically the dead end that caused the argument so I suppose we’re both right in a way.

And don’t worry, no plans to be a SAHM. I worked really hard to get to where I am and am really established in my field, Im still working now around baby stuff where I can to keep my name out there.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2019 19:45

@ChangeNameMcNameChange I know someone who flew from Australia to the UK with a 7 week old baby. I think yours will be fine.

I agree with a PP. Your recent updates do make him sound pretty awful. You shouldn't be worried about it causing an argument.

feistymumma · 21/08/2019 19:46

YABU, let him go and enjoy the wedding and when he gets back he will be on baby duty while you relax. If you or the baby had a serious health condition then of course HWBU but it doesn't seem like it. Not minimising child birth and all it entails but just putting things into perspective.

Cryalot2 · 21/08/2019 19:46

I think it sounds good that you go with the baby to your parents and buy a one way ticket. So you can return when you feel like it .

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2019 19:47

@ChangeNameMcNameChange x post.

He is UR not to allow you to fly home with your baby and have some support over the week. See if you can get yourself a passport

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2019 19:47

your baby obviously not yourself

namby · 21/08/2019 19:48

YABU. It's too late now and it's only a week, plenty of women (myself including) have had to do much longer alone, with younger babies, you will be fine.

And no I didn't have "sleepers", I had babies!

Quaffy · 21/08/2019 19:49

let him go and enjoy the wedding and when he gets back he will be on baby duty while you relax

LOL

Think we can safely assume that won’t be happening

pinkyredrose · 21/08/2019 19:49

He's a dick. Are his older kids even welcome at the wedding?

Original poster

ChangeNameMcNameChange · 21/08/2019 19:49

Thanks everyone for your input. He is quite selfish in that if he’s decided something, he’s decided it - he lived with just his children for a long time before we got together and I think he was just used to doing things his way.

I’ve not posted about this situation before but I have posted about some of the difficulties of having older DSC and a baby - and how we had problems with them accepting a baby! But now the baby is here they love him.

OP posts:

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