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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset other mum unintentionally

83 replies

TerracottaDream · 21/08/2019 16:41

My child is in a group connected to a hobby type thing and has a crew of 5 friends they met there.
I am friendly with the mothers but we are not close, two of them have kids at same school but in different years for example but essentially we didn’t know each other before our kids met but all have mutual friends and go to the same places.
At Christmas one of the mothers suggested that while the kids had an end of term thing we would all go to gastro pub. We had a blast! Great fun.
Now like in any circle I have bumped into women separately and the usual stuff about having to go out etc. Always genuine but life gets in the way.
This happened with one of these mothers and we made firm plans but I then suggested that we invite the others who we had been out with at Christmas. She became really irritated and said whenever she tries to make friends they always want to include others as if she isn’t good enough on her own. This is a successful educated woman. I didn’t mean anything I just wanted to be inclusive.

OP posts:
Lilyannarose · 21/08/2019 19:33

Maybe she struggles socially in a larger group of people and was looking forward to a 1-to-1 chat?
Maybe she had something she wanted to share with you as a friend and felt she could confide in you?
Maybe she wanted to ask your advice on something?
Maybe she is having relationship problems?
Maybe she suffers from agoraphobia and feels intimidated by larger groups of people?

katewhinesalot · 21/08/2019 19:38

It's fine and quite nice that she wanted a one on one with you, but I'd be a bit put off and wary about the way she expressed that.

Upanddownandroundagain · 21/08/2019 19:41

I’ve been in her position - I wanted to be friends with one woman, we got on really well, but she insisted on inviting a massive group of my other friends to things we arranged. It turns out that she only wanted to be friends with them and I got completely ousted. So maybe she is trying to make a friendship with you, not be part of a group, and maybe she doesn’t even like the others.

WhatWhyWhen · 21/08/2019 19:51

To be fair notcool I’m fairly driven and successful and have been told repeatedly “oh you’re nice when you get to know you actually” because I’m seen as busy and intimidating. And dating hasn’t been easy as apprently I need someone strong to “handle” me Hmm

It’s bullshit, it’s definitely not replicated among men, but it is quite frequently true.

I don’t think PP was sexist just stating a fact.

WhatWhyWhen · 21/08/2019 19:51

Oh and I get her wanting it to be 1:1 but her way of saying it was odd and is worry she’d be hard word.

redexpat · 21/08/2019 19:56

Well it depends on if you see her point. It is really annoying when you make plans and then other people get invited.

If you can see why that would upset her (and really she spelled it out for you) you could say im sorry about before, I didnt realise you felt this way. Im still up for x if you are? X and then independant of that do a poll on messenger with dates and actually organise something.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/08/2019 20:01

It depends on your personality. I mean I find people who only ever want to meet one on one hard work and tend to phase out people who don't want to join group stuff as I just don't have time for loads of 1-2-1 meets.

ClemDanFango · 21/08/2019 20:27

She could have just said “I was hoping to just keep it as the two of us this time so we can catch up properly.” No need for the stroppy reply on her part. No wonder people don’t want to be alone with her when she has such and arsey attitude.

OooErMissus · 21/08/2019 20:29

Yes, yes to the last two responses.

GreenTulips · 21/08/2019 20:33

Depends

Did she ask you, and then you invited or wanted to invite others?

Or did you invite her and then suggest the others?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/08/2019 20:55

I was hoping to just keep it as the two of us this time so we can catch up properly

This would have been a much better way of putting it

3LoudBoys · 21/08/2019 21:06

I always feel a little hurt when a 1 on 1 gets turned into a group activity, like I am not fun enough to be seen in my own.

In equal measure I also feel relieved as it has taken the pressure off me to be full of chat and be interesting all the time, I can share the load.

GameSetMatch · 21/08/2019 21:32

I understand this lady, I have a friend who always used to bring other people when we arranged to meet up, if I wanted to meet up with everybody I would of arranged it like that. Sometimes one just likes a good catch up over a meal not a big night out with lots of people. Maybe your friend just likes you and isn’t confident in big groups, you don’t know what other people are dealing with in their own lives.

TigerDroveAgain · 21/08/2019 21:40

She is hard work. Drop and run. Friends should be fun not obligations

Trebla · 21/08/2019 22:14

I love her. I'd probably go back to her and say "that's a lovely idea I'd love to get to know you better anyway, well invite the others next time". Give a little. Poor woman sounds lonely and at the end of her tether. Show some compassion. You haven't upset her, she's disappointed and didn't express it well. Help a girl out. She might turn out to be a great mate.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/08/2019 22:14

She could very well be hard work or maybe just fed up.
Seems a similar thing has happened to her before. There seems to be a value placed on dishonesty in social relations. Not to say anything remotely awkward to anyone because awkwardness is the biggest sin. She was honest/ (probably it was a knee jerk reaction) and the OP Wasn’t expecting that.

sweetiepie1979 · 21/08/2019 22:31

At least she was honest upfront and open about it. I’d have probably been disappointed that you did that but not said anything then made my excuses on the evening to not go along if I didn’t think I had as much in common with the other Mums or I just wanted a quiet drink and chat with you and I was looking forward to just that.
She was blunt though..... i like that about her

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/08/2019 22:42

She was OTT, you were a bit thoughtless.

Fairyliz · 21/08/2019 22:57

I like meeting people 1 - 1, I like meeting people in groups. However what I hate is when I have made arrangements and then people try and change them.
If you want to sort out a meetup do your own, don’t try and change mine

ScreamingValenta · 22/08/2019 07:35

I think people are missing the 'we made firm plans' bit.

Yes, exactly. The OP may be relying too much on her general impression that everyone at the last night out 'had a blast'. Look more closely at that and it might be that the friend she was meeting was the one in the group situation who was grinning determinedly but not saying very much. It might be that she privately dislikes some of the others and this puts her in an awkward situation when they are invited to something she has already agreed to without them.

ArialAnna · 22/08/2019 07:46

Reading this with interest, as my natural inclination to to prefer one to one meet ups, but I often end up inviting other people in the group, as I don't want to risk those people finding out and feeling left out (having experienced that feeling several times myself before and it's not nice).

I don't think you or she were unreasonable but she could have phrased it much more politely.

brassbrass · 22/08/2019 07:53

*I can see why she was upset. You made 'firm plans' to meet one-to-one and now you have suggested changing the dynamic of the meeting by making it a group event. Not everyone is comfortable in groups.

I can also see why she might think it meant that, on her own, she wouldn't be interesting enough - although I recognise that wasn't your intention.*

It was a misunderstanding. You weren't on the same page. I'm a bit at Hmm at the bitchy comments about being successful equals not having many friends. Perpetuating misogynistic stereotypes much?

brassbrass · 22/08/2019 07:57

If you want to sort out a meetup do your own, don’t try and change mine

This! It's so rude.

Coffeeisnecessary · 22/08/2019 08:05

It is a strange response from her, although I understand what was behind it. I was trying to arrange meeting up with a friend and we'd agreed a time, we opened it up to others and when no one else could do it she backed out, I did feel a bit crap like I wasn't enough on my own but I'd never actually have said that to her!!

OooErMissus · 22/08/2019 08:08

Can people please realise that it really probably isn't because: 'you're not enough on your own'..?!

One-on-one socialising with someone you don't know that well is really, really uncomfortable for some people!

You expect us to be all understanding of your needs.

Well - be understanding of ours.