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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset other mum unintentionally

83 replies

TerracottaDream · 21/08/2019 16:41

My child is in a group connected to a hobby type thing and has a crew of 5 friends they met there.
I am friendly with the mothers but we are not close, two of them have kids at same school but in different years for example but essentially we didn’t know each other before our kids met but all have mutual friends and go to the same places.
At Christmas one of the mothers suggested that while the kids had an end of term thing we would all go to gastro pub. We had a blast! Great fun.
Now like in any circle I have bumped into women separately and the usual stuff about having to go out etc. Always genuine but life gets in the way.
This happened with one of these mothers and we made firm plans but I then suggested that we invite the others who we had been out with at Christmas. She became really irritated and said whenever she tries to make friends they always want to include others as if she isn’t good enough on her own. This is a successful educated woman. I didn’t mean anything I just wanted to be inclusive.

OP posts:

Yodude · 21/08/2019 17:39

I think I would tell her 'nevermind. We don't have to go out' and just leave it there. I don't need new friends who are going to be such high maintenance before we have even had a chance to become friends.

jennymanara · 21/08/2019 17:49

I enjoy going out with groups of women. But the women I only see in groups I consider more acquaintance type friends. My real friends I do see at times 1-1. You can't really talk properly if you only see someone in a group. That is fine if you don't want real friends, but I can understand where she is coming from.

EllesBells123 · 21/08/2019 17:50

Wow. Weird reaction. Even if she wanted to just go with you to get to know you better, that's all she had to say, rather than have a tantrum because you inviting people means you think she's not good enough. I'd refrain from seeing her one on one, if I were you. My guess is that would be a high maintenance friendship.

flashingbeacon · 21/08/2019 17:55

@jennymanara oh definitely! I’m not saying it’s good that I can’t read group dynamics! I can never declare an evening a success because I would have to hear that from everyone. I am genuinely different from dm in this respect, at a glance she can say Johns must be feeling better he had such a lovely evening but we must call Sue to see that she’s alright with what Marge said. I nod baffled because I had no idea.
I really wasn’t having a dig. I don’t mind groups and hangers on and last minute changes but thats me and not the yard stick for other people.

Katisha · 21/08/2019 17:59

I think it's a bit strange to want to turn everything into a group event.
I have a friend who always does this. The dynamic changes completely.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 21/08/2019 18:07

I think she sounds needy, and would see it as a warning sign of future neediness therefore would be cooling it down. Rapidly.

Notcool1984 · 21/08/2019 18:27

@AmIThough well, would you make the same comment about a successful man?

museumum · 21/08/2019 18:30

In this situation with a natural group of five I would be surprised to be invited out 1:1. I run with 6 women, if one asked me to meet 1:1 unless it was natural (eg shared location or interest) I would be a bit freaked.

I don’t agree with bringing random friends others don’t know but when a group is already a group breaking it up into 1:1 friendships seems odd.

discoliv54 · 21/08/2019 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jennymanara · 21/08/2019 18:35

@discilov Really??

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/08/2019 18:37

Well, if you made firm plans to meet than it is a bit off to invite other people too. Some people enjoy more the merrier, some feel more confident one-to-one.

foxtiger · 21/08/2019 18:38

I know how she feels. I don't mind doing things in groups but I do feel a bit left out and inadequate if I realise than I am only being included in group things and nobody wants to spend time with just me. Everybody's friend but nobody's favourite, that sort of thing. It's probably quite common in people who are, or have been when they are younger, a bit socially out of the loop. You say she's successful but she might not necessarily feel as confident as she appears, and she might have seen your decision to include more people as a kind of rejection, not because you did anything wrong, but because of other situations in the past when she really was being pointedly excluded. I'd try to arrange a meetup some time soon where it really is just the two of you, and see how she seems in that situation - she might open up about feeling a bit left out, and if you're a good listener she'll really appreciate it and you'll have a friend for life.

@Notcool I can't speak for anybody else, but I had a male acquaintance I definitely felt a bit shy with at first because he was so apparently "successful" - I just didn't think he would have time for me, as I wasn't well off, confident or particularly fit (we knew each other through a physical activity which he was much better at that me). But it turned out he was the sort of person who can find something in common with anybody, and put me right at ease with a lovely conversation about cakes, of all things. Yes, of course a successful man can seem intimidating - but this one didn't, once you got to know him.

queenrollo · 21/08/2019 18:39

While I love socilaising in big groups I think that one to one is really lovely too. Especially in a group where you meet through your children's interests. I met one of my closest friends this way. I get on fine with everyone in the group but this woman was different, I felt I wanted to get to know her a little better. This is easier away from a group setting.
We had coffee a couple of times and out friendship grew from there.

Maybe she likes something about you that she feels would be a basis for a good friendship independently of being 'group mums' and was frustrated that you wanted to bring the group into it again.

I also wonder if there are others in the group who are the 'life and soul' so to speak and she would like to socialise without them being the centre of attention.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/08/2019 18:39

Maybe she liked you and wanted to talk about something that she wouldn’t otherwise want to share with a group of people. I wouldn’t show my annoyance in her place but can see where she’s coming from.

LillithsFamiliar · 21/08/2019 18:39

I think it's odd you mentioned she was successful and educated. As though either of those would affect how she responded to you changing arrangements.
It sounds as though she made plans with you and then you tried to bring other people along. tbh I don't think you were being inclusive. You were changing arrangements and bringing people she hadn't invited - that's cheeky not inclusive.

SleepWarrior · 21/08/2019 18:44

Totally get where she's coming from but voicing her feeling to someone who isn't yet a close friend is a bit weird.

Etino · 21/08/2019 18:48

I sympathise with her. It was brave of her to say what she felt, but also you are perfectly entitled not to meet up 1:1.
What are you going to do?

Sagradafamiliar · 21/08/2019 18:51

I've read loads of threads on here where people are agreeing how annoying it is when you arrange to meet someone then they invite others. I see what she means although you might not have meant it to come across rudely.

ittakes2 · 21/08/2019 18:51

I don't think she worded it well but she is basically saying she likes you, thinks you would make a good friend and she wants to be friends with you! Take it as a compliment.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 21/08/2019 18:56

Her reaction was OTT for sure, but you already had plans with her so it's a bit off to suddenly suggest inviting four more people

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 19:07

She became really irritated and said whenever she tries to make friends they always want to include others as if she isn’t good enough on her own

What happened to the plan to meet up OP - did it go ahead with/without the other friends?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 21/08/2019 19:16

She was wrong to get irritated. But it probably just hit a nerve. I am a well educated woman in a profession. I don’t get much chance to meet friends and even less to meet new ones. And when I do it is often easier to meet someone for a quick coffee than it is to organise a big meet which inevitably takes longer both to plan and to execute. I can feel a bit sensitive over friendships at times. Hopefully I don’t get irritable or let my sensitivity show. I’d be flattered that the other woman wanted your attention 1:1 and just meet her for a coffee if you are happy to.

OooErMissus · 21/08/2019 19:19

Completely over the top reaction.

I get that some people don't do groups. But equally, can they understand that some people struggle with one-to-one situations?

I'm quite shy with people I don't know all that well, so a 1-to-1 would be really, really off-putting for me.

What if we don't hit it off?

What if they're quite shy, too?

What if there are awkward silences?

What if we run out of stuff to say?

If the conversation doesn't flow?

Just no. I'm a 'more the merrier' type because I'm quite shy, and because I pick up on other people's feelings and levels of comfort.

Group situations take the pressure off immeasurably.

DC3dilemma · 21/08/2019 19:26

I think people are missing the we made firm plans bit. If you made firm plans to meet 1-1, then suddenly tried to change it into a group event, that would seem fairly rude and could be perceived as rejecting and hurtful.

Oblomov19 · 21/08/2019 19:27

I totally get her point and am surprised you can't.
I like both. I do both. Group dynamics are totally different to 1-2-1's though.

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