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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it too much to ask

28 replies

AuntOf4 · 21/08/2019 12:37

Backstory:
So my brother moved out many years ago, got engaged and broke up and then got engaged to someone else, had two kids and got married.

My other brother moved out when he was turned 18 to move in with his then-girlfriend-now-wife, brought a house, got married and had two boys.

I live at home because I'm in a job that doesn't pay enough for me to be able to move out yet and be financially stable.

The problem:

The second brother always calls before he comes around to ask if it's okay because he doesn't want to be a burden. Comes around once a month, I go over an see them as well when it's okay.

Brother No.1. comes around unannounced every week. New sister-in-law comes around at least twice a week unannounced and stays for the entire day. They ask for us to babysit with about 1 hours notice (sometimes less) and expect us to be prepared for them to visit and he was like this with fiancee No.1.

I might be a little biased because Sister-in-law No.2. is my best friend and we do a lot together but she doesn't come around with brother No.2. all the time so it doesn't really affect the situation.

Am I being unreasonable by wanting them to at least let us know when they are planning at coming around?

Side note: I'm struggling with my mental health atm and sometimes just like to be left alone to deal with it and just sit and cry. Their intrusion doesn't help because I then have to put on a happy face to play with my Nephew even when I feel like the world is upside down.

OP posts:

PatricksRum · 21/08/2019 12:41

How old are you OP?
I don't think you can dictate when db comes as it's not your house. Are they asking your parents to babysit or you specifically?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/08/2019 12:43

Sadly I don't think it's a reasonable ask if they are visiting your parents; although it's definitely reasonable when you do get your own place!

Could you explain to your brother and your parents and retreat to your room if you're having a bad day when they come round?

I don't really like visitors to arrive without warning either - I hated it when I lived in shared housing. In my house I asked everyone to give notice. I live with fiancé now and he tends to ask people for an idea of whether it'll be morning/evening etc which is our compromise, if any of that helps in the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2019 12:44

You are under no obligation to babysit or socialise. When they ask you to babysit, say no, and when they visit, go to your room.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2019 12:46

Am I being unreasonable by wanting them to at least let us know when they are planning at coming around?

Of course not, but it sounds like you need to tell them.

And stop babysitting at the drop of a hat. Just tell them you can't. Don't be a doormat.

Their intrusion doesn't help because I then have to put on a happy face to play with my Nephew

Why? No-one is making you.

Original poster

AuntOf4 · 21/08/2019 12:50

@PatricksRum I'm 28 and there asking my parents but I know my mum gets annoyed about it because they always do it on her evenings off from work (she works late hours) but she's way too nice to say no. It was a lot worse when my nephew was younger as he would just get left with us overnight with no warning and they would say 'oh he'll sleep in his car seat don't worry'

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I have explained to my parents and my brother and my Sister-in-Law was like 'she's fine. she just doesn't like me and want to be around me'

I just think it's common courtesy of anyone visiting anyone to give a bit of notice.

OP posts:

Original poster

AuntOf4 · 21/08/2019 12:54

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I have downright refused to babysit which caused a rift between me and my brother as he got very cagey about it and it upset my parents which I would never intentionally do as they do a lot for me and I'm truly grateful.

You would be surprised about the happy face. I got called miserable and neglectful by sister-in-law when I was having a really bad day. I ended up leaving, driving and contemplating really bad things. Then she blamed me for it and told me to cheer up.

OP posts:

PatricksRum · 21/08/2019 13:02

Sorry OP I thought you were younger and living at home.
If your mum doesn't like to babysit then she needs to tell db/Dsil

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 13:03

If you don't want people to turn up without asking you you need to get your own place OP.

If they have to ask anyone, it's your parents, as it's their house, not yours.

LemonAddict · 21/08/2019 13:07

You live with your parents?

Then it’s up to them to decide whether people need to ask first before calling over.

whocanbebothered · 21/08/2019 13:54

YABU; its not your home so you don't get a vote and you don't get to put words in your mums mouth about what she likes or dislikes. I bet if she stopped getting the visits/requests for babysitting you would soon hear that she wasn't happy with that alternative either.

I generally always text my mum when I'm coming over but I have to say, I'd be insulted if she messaged me to say that I HAD to give her notice before arriving. That's my childhood home and I must admit that I'm loathed to even ring the doorbell and wait for entry The place where you grow up (assuming a relatively happy childhood), is always a little bit "home".

I think that if you have MH issues and don't want unexpected visitors then you need to grow up a little and get your own place. If your current employment doesn't permit that, then get a different/second job. In seriousness, how long do you plan to live there, as you haven't mentioned if you are saving for a deposit/ training for a better paying career etc? Surely its not a tenable long-term option for you?

AuntOf4 · 21/08/2019 14:28

This reply has been deleted

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AmIThough · 21/08/2019 14:31

@AuntOf4 quite seriously, please consider your mental health before you do move out. Would you be able to cope ok living on your own?

Not in terms of looking after yourself, more the solitude.
Make sure you don't rush into moving and do yourself more harm than good.

AuntOf4 · 21/08/2019 14:35

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Aprillygirl · 21/08/2019 14:43

It's really not up to you to dictate if and when your brothers come over OP. It is of course absolutely your right to say no to babysitting if you don't feel up to it though.

Chocolatehat · 21/08/2019 14:54

Have you explored ways to move out while getting help for your MH? One of my friends lives in a house sponsored by MIND. It gives him independence with monitoring and help.

chuttypicks · 21/08/2019 16:44

So you expect your DB to have to make arrangements to visit his own mother?! I could call in to my parents' houses unannounced whenever I like. They're my parents and I don't need an invite or to check if it's ok with them. YABU and if you don't like it then move out. They are BU by expecting people to babysit with little notice, but you're not being forced into it. Both your DM and yourself can just say no if you don't want to do it.

SavingSpaces2019 · 21/08/2019 17:14

So basically you've never officially moved out from your parents house?
Sounds to me like your MH issues have been used as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for yourself and your own life.

YOU don't need to entertain them/babysit etc if you don't want to.
If it causes issues in the family - tough shit, you do NOT exist to be used and abused, especially by people who feel entitled to your time and energy.

Your mum is old enough to make her boundaries clear re visits/babysitting etc as it's HER house.
She CHOOSES not to.....so any fall out from standing up to your CF brother is HER fault.

i guess for you it's a case of either put up and shut up - or move out.

PatricksRum · 21/08/2019 20:23

Agree with savingspace
Can't you afford to rent a room in a house share?

Livelovebehappy · 21/08/2019 20:42

I would go ballistic if I went to my mothers home and my brother (who still lives at home) told me I had to check with him before visiting. It’s as much my home as his, even though I chose to be an adult and move out, I have equal right to be there with my mother’s permission. Really nothing to do with you. Go to your room or move out - but don’t visit your issues on everyone else.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 21/08/2019 20:52

I just think it's common courtesy of anyone visiting anyone to give a bit of notice.

TBH with you OP, I think you've got a cheek thinking your DB should ask permission to visit the family home, just because you're too bone idle to move out. If one of my adult children ever pulled a stunt like thinking they had some superior say over MY house and when siblings could visit, they'd be told swiftly to re-evaluate their perceived importance .

Your mother, is presumably an adult and can speak to her own children and state whether she will or will not baby sit - this is none of your business, and you are in danger of letting your sibling jealousy get in the way.

DragonMamma · 21/08/2019 21:05

YABU op (sorry!)

I would never ask permission or ‘give notice’ to visit my family home/parents.

I think as people said up thread, if you want control of who enters your home then you need to move out and gain that autonomy.

Would you check with your parents that it was OK to stop over every night? Because it’s the same situation. It’s still his home and you have to respect that.

ReTooth · 21/08/2019 21:16

OP, I honestly don’t think it was a good idea to post on AIBU as you can probably see for yourself by some of the replies you have received so far. Some posters like to put the boot in regardless of whether someone has MH problems or not.

As for your AIBU, I think you should leave it to your parents to deal with your siblings. However you shouldn’t feel that you have to babysit or put on a ‘happy face’. Have you got somewhere in the house where you can be on your own? Is your bedroom set up so you can sit there if you need space from visitors?

fargo123 · 22/08/2019 06:02

This.

It wouldn't even occur to me that my sibling had a say in whether I could visit my parent/s in the old family home.

Sparklyring · 22/08/2019 06:14

I think YABU too. It's your parents house not yours and others have said I'd be furious if couldn't just turn up to my parents house. The forced babysitting is rude, you need to stand firm and just say no.

stayathomer · 22/08/2019 06:23

My dm and dmil were talking and dm told dmil that we just arrive and she'd love us to tell her before the morning we're coming. The thing is it's nice to just be able to go home sometimes without it being a big deal and if you tell someone you're coming and don't it's a bigger deal. Maybe they just want to go home, why should they ask? Is the babysitting thing impromptu? So 'something came up, is there any chance you could?' Personally I don't think this is unreasonable as they're family and I think you should be able to count on family to help out.

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