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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to keep the baby (long)

50 replies

BetonyBlue · 21/08/2019 12:34

NC for this, also I’m going to try and lay it all out here to avoid a drip feed so sorry for the length.

Recently moved back to my home county. One night out I bumped into an ex from a decade ago, we got chatting and ended up sleeping together. Neither of us was interested in a relationship, but we hooked up a few times after that. All fine I thought, we were having fun, no one was getting hurt, right?

Wrong! After meeting up with another old friend who knew the ex, I discovered not only is he in a long-term relationship, but he also has a one-year-old. I honestly didn’t know about this. I don’t do social media or anything and he’s from a different part of the county so when I have been back to visit we’ve never crossed paths. Friend showed me his social media and everything she said was true.

Obviously, when I found this out I blocked his number and that was that. I was very upset at unwillingly being made the OW but I thought forgetting about it and moving in was the best course of action.

Now, I’ve found out I’m pregnant. It’s his. I’m really struggling with what to do. I absolutely don’t want to rip his family apart, but nor do I want to bring up a child not knowing who its dad is or deny him the opportunity of knowing his child. I’ve thought about abortion, but I’m mid-30s with some health issues and this might be my only chance? Then again I’ve always been on the fence about having kids so would it be so bad if I didn’t? I’m so confused and I don’t really have anyone I can discuss this with IRL.

Thanks to anyone who bothered reading all of that.

OP posts:

kimlo · 21/08/2019 12:38

decide what to do about the pregnancy and then decide what to do about him.

If you went ahead you need to do it knowing you will be doing it on your own.

Personally I would tell him and leave it up to him what he wants to do, the go through the cms so he at least pays for the child he made.

ownerofdlurcher · 21/08/2019 12:39

If, and only if you want to continue, then do it- but I would most definitely do it alone.
I absolutely wouldn't contact him- as you say, there are other people involved- and as well as the hurt it would cause them I can't see it ending well for you or your baby either.
Good luck whatever you decide

Sparklesocks · 21/08/2019 12:42

That’s really difficult, I feel for you and understand your concerns on both sides.
MN have some very wise people who will most likely offer great advice and help you weight up the pros and cons of each decision but it might be worth asking yourself - what is your gut reaction here? Regardless of context and potential difficulty, how do you feel about this pregnancy - are you thinking about yourself as a mum, or are you not ready and is the time not right?

I would support whichever decision you make

EmeraldShamrock · 21/08/2019 12:45

Do what is best for you, figure out if you want to keep the baby.
I disagree with doing it alone, he made his bed let him help pay towards it, it is not about wrecking his family, he made the decision by sleeping with you.
If DP got an old friend pregnant, who didn't know about me or the DC, I wouldnt blame the woman at all, he would be expected to support the child.

Original poster

BetonyBlue · 21/08/2019 12:57

Right now, I'm really not sure what to do for the best. I just can't think straight about any of it. I'm mostly thinking that I will probably regret it if I end the pregnancy, but equally I could regret going ahead with it and all of the fallout it could cause. Having an abortion would logically seem to be the easiest option, but is it ultimately the right one I have no idea.

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 21/08/2019 13:04

If your want a baby, keep the baby. Think about how it will affect you, bearing in mind you will be a single parent, and not about how it will affect him. Once you've made the decision about yourself, then you can decide what to do about the dad.

YOU dont need to stress about the potential fallout, that is his responsibility and he should've thought about it before sleeping with someone who isn't his wife. Don't let your guilt about this prevent you from claiming maintenance which your child has a right to

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 21/08/2019 13:10

I get the feeling that your biggest problem is whether to keep the baby or not. Telling him and his partner finding out are secondary issues.

Only you can decide whether or not to have an abortion. If you're in a stable position and would like a baby, go ahead with the pregnancy.

Telling the baby's father is a necessity. I wouldn't worry about his partner - he didn't when he had sex with you.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 21/08/2019 13:11

And BetanyBlue they say that many women regret having an abortion but no woman regrets having a baby.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/08/2019 13:12

Is the easier option to prevent a fallout or the easy option of your choice.
Picture yourself in 12 months, what was your plans were before the pregnancy, where did you see your life going, now picture it with a baby? Do you have close family for extra support, your life will change lots with a baby, it really depends on what your plans where.
Dont worry about the effect on his life while working this out, it has to be your decision.
It is a big one, goodluck.

greenwaterbottle · 21/08/2019 13:13

Presuming it wasn't the UK so wouldn't you be able to get any child maintenance. Could you manage financially on your own.
I think you'd have to presume you'd be doing this alone.

DrVonPatak · 21/08/2019 13:17

@Betonyblue

"I'm mostly thinking that I WILL probably regret it if I end the pregnancy, but equally I COULD regret going ahead with it and all of the fallout it could cause."

It seems that you know your answer yourself, but are, understandably, concerned about the consequences of your decision. While it's obviously a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" position, it looks like you already know what you'd regret more.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/08/2019 13:18

Agree with PP. Decide whether you want to keep the baby assuming you would be a single parent with no involvement from him at all.
The other family is not your responsibility. He would have to pay maintenance if you told him about the baby but lots of people seem to be able to wriggle out of it especially if he is self employed or quit his job. Unless he is a high earner it wouldn't be enough to make a massive difference to your decision as to whether its financially feasible.

Do you know for a fact your health condition makes it difficult to conceive? You could maybe speak to a doctor to get an idea if this is actually likely to be your only chance at being a parent, or if in fact the fact you conceived easily means you are likely to do so again

Dont worry about the other family. He has wrecked it not you and most people would want to know if their partner was shagging other people!

If you tell him he may try and keep it a secret and want nothing to do with the baby other than payment. Or he might want to have a relationship which would eventually lead to overnights with him, possibly with the other family that might have some resentment to your child.

Tableclothing · 21/08/2019 13:20

they say that many women regret having an abortion but no woman regrets having a baby

They say a lot of bollocks.

OP, you say you don't want to bring up the child not knowing who its dad is - that might not be your choice. You need to be prepared for the possibility that the father will have nothing to do with you or the child. (Yes, you could pursue him through the courts for maintenance, but you might have to)

If you're prepared to go it alone, then yanbu to keep the baby, of course not.

You say you haven't got anyone to talk it through with in real life - what about a counsellor?

www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/

Glasscrab · 21/08/2019 13:21

they say that many women regret having an abortion but no woman regrets having a baby

This is the kind of inaccurate, sentimentalising nonsense that clouds thinking about whether or not to continue an unplanned pregnancy. Of course some women regret continuing a pregnancy, just as some women regret terminating one, it's simply that they don't tend to talk about it, for obvious reasons -- there are numerous threads on Mn where anonymity has allowed women to admit to regretting having a child/children.

OP, best wishes whatever you decide. You should make the decision whether or not to continue the pregnancy based entirely on your own wishes and your ability/desire to raise a child alone -- whether or not this would be inconvenient for him should not be a factor.

Original poster

BetonyBlue · 21/08/2019 13:22

Financially I'd be fine. I inherited a property from my nan, which I'm now living in and I earn a decent living. I'm self-employed and that means my life is very flexible. I have a sister living nearby who would be a great support, I'm sure, too. So I'm not worried about that aspect of things at all. However, I don't know how good I'd be at the whole parenting thing especially alone and if I'm honest I really don't think I could handle any potential fallout. It's so hard. I've been so bloody stupid.

OP posts:

Cheeseandwin5 · 21/08/2019 13:32

Two Issues here,
To have or not have the baby- this is totally your decision and you should feel pressured what ever you decide. You need to do whats best for you. That said I would may talk it over with someone as you may feel emotional whichever path you go.
If you decided to have the baby, you need to tell the father. How it effects his family is not your concern. He has the right to know that he has a child and your Dc has the right to know who her/his Father is.

Glasscrab · 21/08/2019 13:38

if I'm honest I really don't think I could handle any potential fallout.

Honestly, OP, I don't think you should let this be the thing that dictates the decision you make. It sounds to me as if you would benefit from talking to someone neutral, like a counsellor before you make the decision, to try to disentangle the issues from one another.

In the meantime, there are a lot of threads of Mn from women considering whether to have a child alone -- maybe reading some of those would give you some context?

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 21/08/2019 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

BetonyBlue · 21/08/2019 14:06

I wouldn't say it's my last chance. I'm definitely not getting any younger, but I probably have a few more years of fertility ahead of me although my health issues do have a little impact on that. I'm not even someone who is desperate for a child either TBH but I do take your point and I know how stupid I've been.

From most of the comments I can see I need to separate the two issues out, so thanks PPs for that.

OP posts:

greenwaterbottle · 21/08/2019 14:09

Yes any fallout is of his own making sadly.
Just try and visualise what next year would like like with and without the baby, look at childcare and not working money wise. Be practical and also use your heart.

edwinbear · 21/08/2019 14:15

OP, if you were unexpectedly pregnant by a man who didn't have another family - would you keep the baby?

LochJessMonster · 21/08/2019 14:16

they say that many women regret having an abortion but no woman regrets having a baby. Why is this posted on every post when its not true!? It disgusts me when people trot out this line as a reason for someone to keep a pregnancy.

FanSpamTastic · 21/08/2019 14:25

With regard to the parenting thing - we are all pretty much winging it with little to no idea of what we are doing! Or is that just me?

Luckily babies don't remember any of the first few years! So by the time they can remember we have had a bit of experience!

Do whatever is right for you.

Kiwiinkits · 21/08/2019 14:37

Whatever you choose, be kind to yourself.

Teacakeandalatte · 21/08/2019 14:48

There's no perfect outcome so go with your heart here OP you will cope either way.

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