AIBU to keep the baby (long)

[BetonyBlue]

NC for this, also I’m going to try and lay it all out here to avoid a drip feed so sorry for the length.

Recently moved back to my home county. One night out I bumped into an ex from a decade ago, we got chatting and ended up sleeping together. Neither of us was interested in a relationship, but we hooked up a few times after that. All fine I thought, we were having fun, no one was getting hurt, right?

Wrong! After meeting up with another old friend who knew the ex, I discovered not only is he in a long-term relationship, but he also has a one-year-old. I honestly didn’t know about this. I don’t do social media or anything and he’s from a different part of the county so when I have been back to visit we’ve never crossed paths. Friend showed me his social media and everything she said was true.

Obviously, when I found this out I blocked his number and that was that. I was very upset at unwillingly being made the OW but I thought forgetting about it and moving in was the best course of action.

Now, I’ve found out I’m pregnant. It’s his. I’m really struggling with what to do. I absolutely don’t want to rip his family apart, but nor do I want to bring up a child not knowing who its dad is or deny him the opportunity of knowing his child. I’ve thought about abortion, but I’m mid-30s with some health issues and this might be my only chance? Then again I’ve always been on the fence about having kids so would it be so bad if I didn’t? I’m so confused and I don’t really have anyone I can discuss this with IRL.

Thanks to anyone who bothered reading all of that.

Keep the baby of course. Otherwise you may find yourself regretting it bitterly in a few years. The guy has not behaved well in this and there is no reason he should not pay child support. Also, your baby has a right to know his/her father, at least the father’s identity. Go for it, OP.

youve got guilt and shame at the moment about the situation or whwat you think youve done and your blame on that i think is clouding how you can think of the baby.
im of the rule i dont think getting rid of a baby is ever ever going to be the easiest option.you need to think about the impact of that.and i know many people think differently on abortion.so i guess im bias on that and have seen first hand the devastation and guilt that can bring to woman.
many woman too are also worried they couldnt be a parent or hwo the hell they would.but for many it jsut come hun.it really does.
and th fallout really isnt you problem.to me this is all his fault.all of it!how could you have any idea.he was a prick big time.your not to blam you had a few nights with a man you assume was an ex and single.
i know how i feel about my children so maybe it would be different for you having said you arent sure whether you want them but i would be riddled with the pain if later i new i didnt give it a go over guilt over dickheads beahviour towards me and his dp.hes not worth giving up on a family of your own.

Worst case scenario: you have the baby, you tell him, he makes your and your baby’s life hell for the rest of your lives. In and out of court to force you to make child available to him whenever he likes, letting the child down all the time, dripping poison about you to the child as they grow up, withholding child from you every time you have a disagreement, basically weaponising the child to make your life hard for as long as he can because he’s angry you fucked up his happy life. This is an entirely possible outcome. Check out the lone parent and step-parenting board.

Can you live with that? Knowing that it won’t just be your life being affected but a very real child who is being constantly emotionally tortured. Affecting how they grow and the adult they become. Can you say you are happy to choose that for your child?

Best case scenario: you don’t have this baby, he is out of your life, you go on to meet a decent man and have lovely family with him.

Can you live with that? Knowing you gave your child the best chance of having two loving, involved parents who both actively wanted you.

I’m raising children somewhere quite close to the first of these two scenarios. I know which one I would choose if I had my chance again.

OP, do not take any advice from strangers on the internet about whether or not to have this baby, however well meaning people are.

You said your sister is a good support - how would you feel about talking to her? I think such a big decision needs to be made and discussed with people (or someone) who knows you.

Forget who the father is for now, and what his circumstances are. Face the decision about whether you want this baby or not, and then face the second part of your situation.

If you don’t have the baby, you may feel you don’t need to say anything. If you do have the baby, I think you will need to tell him. Your child has a right to know their dad. He will have a child, his 1 year old will have a sibling, and you will be entitled to child maintenance to help with the financial burdens.

But that is phase 2. Don’t even worry about any of that until you know whether you want to have this baby or not. Good luck OP. I hope in time you look back and feel you made the right decision, either way.

I agree with @derbee,taking advice from well meaning strangers is not the way to go,it's a bit like standing up in a cafe and asking everyone what they thought.(I don't mean that nastily at all).....just trying to show that the answer must come from the one person whose life will change forever.you.
Go with what your heart and your instinct is telling you.
For what it's worth,I read it that you want to have this child but are afraid you might not be a good mum.
Make your decision then worry about the potential father,but don't(I don't think you will anyway)count on him as being there for the dc,he might,might not.
Good luck,be happy.let us know if you want to.

Forget who the father is for now, and what his circumstances are. Face the decision about whether you want this baby or not

She can’t decide whether she wants this baby without taking who he is into account. It/he will have a massive impact on her and the baby’s life if she chooses to have it. The decision of whether or not to have this baby is massively influenced by who he is. You can’t separate the two.

Oh you poor thing, the same situation happened to me a few years ago minus the pregnancy which obviously makes things 1000x more complicated for you!

Personally I would decide what you want to do re the pregnancy first. If you are certain you want to keep it then tell him and it’s entirely up to him what he does from there. You will most likely be a single parent with little to no involvement from him so it depends how ready you are for that I suppose.

but don't(I don't think you will anyway)count on him as being there for the dc

Don’t count on him being absent either. He may decide he will be very much involved in the baby’s life in a way that makes your life extremely unpleasant.

Given the choice is one child won’t know their dad or another child and wife have their lives torn apart, I don’t think I would proceed.

My personal view is if you didn’t want the baby you would already have made the arrangements.

You do not need a man to bring up a baby especially one who lied to you about been seriously involved with someone who else. If you tell him you will throw him into turmoil about doing the right thing or not, therefore upsetting you by constantly changing his mind about whether he should be involved or not. Been pregnant you will probably not think logically about him been indecisive about making the best decision and take it personally when he acts like a nob. You don’t need all the stress trust me. When you don't have someone there who is giving 100% to your child it makes you use all your energy on that part of your life rather than what’s important (baby). If you do this do it because it’s what you want and don’t ruin the having a baby experience for yourself by getting him involved. Lots of kids are happy with one parent. Good luck

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart that’s bollocks. Of course she needs to separate the two. If OP ends up terminating a pregnancy that she wants, purely because this man has a partner and she’s worried about the fallout, she won’t have made the decision for the right reasons.

She first needs to decide if she wants the baby, and if she does, she can then face the implications of who the father is and what his circumstances are.

I’m not saying the father of the child is not relevant to her future, but the father’s personal circumstances should not be the determining factor on what she chooses to do about her pregnancy. It’s about her and whether she wants to have this baby, not about him and his partner/child.

I didn’t say his personal circumstances, I said him. Who he is. She cannot make the decision to have this baby without considering who he is. I didn’t mention his personal circumstances.

I do think you need to consider his partner and existing child though. I know it’s awful because you had no idea they existed when you slept with him but if you keep this baby, his existing baby will be its half sibling. It will wreck their child’s family in all likelihood which is sad too. It is something to consider.

And I know obviously you haven’t wrecked his family, he did that when he chose to cheat on her with you. I just think you need to consider whether keeping this baby is worth all the drama and hassle that may ensue.

I agree with pps who have advised you separate the pregnancy from the man. Work out if you really want to keep the baby and take it from there. If you go ahead with the pregnancy you will have to tell him. He has been a lying , cheating dick but he just might be a decent co parent to your child. If he doesnt want involvement that may well be easier for you and he is at the very least liable for maintenance.

If you want to continue and are ok with being a lone parent then contact him and tell him that you are pregnant, you can tell him you don't need anything from him and you are angry that you are the ow (unwittingly) but if he wishes to be in the child's life you won't stop him. If you don't want to be a single parent then to be honest termination is the only option because even if he left whoever for you, once a cheater, always a cheater!

I agree about separating out the two issues. Many unplanned women don’t plan to get pregnant and go on to be loving, caring parents who do a fantastic job of being a mum - and I do think most of are winging it a lot of the time, you can only learn “on the job”. In that sense unplanned doesn’t always mean unwanted.

Yes it would tie you to him in many ways, and you might not want that.

As far as his family goes, it’s not you or your pregnancy tearing his family apart, he chose to do that when he slept around outside of his marriage. The pregnancy is a very natural result of his behaviour and he and his wife will need to deal with it.

You may decide to end your pregnancy, which is entirely valid decision too - no one can say whether you’ll regret it later, you might but some women also deeply regret continuing a pregnancy that they on some level didn’t want.

You can only really make the best decision you can, based on the information available to you now, based on your own hopes and dreams and what a baby might bring to your life for better and worse. I’d honestly not give a shiny shit about his family in that decision making process, he wasn’t concerned when he was hooking up with you and now needs to deal with the consequences.

I guess you have had a couple of shocks.
if you think that you might like to keep the baby go ahead. Things will work out..

Definitely think through what you want to do assuming you're a single parent. My exh left me and I went through pregnancy and baby years alone with my second child. It was very hard. I was quite depressed. It was and still is quite hard emotionally and financially to work full time and be a lone parent.

When I became pregnant with a guy I was dating I had an abortion aged 37. He didnt want the pregnancy. I couldn't face raising another child on my own and nor could I afford it. I found the abortion very hard emotionally, I wished I could keep the pregnancy and be in a stable relationship.

Only you can decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy in your particular circumstances. There is no right or wrong answer. If you can provide for it financially then you're in a great position, you still have the option to meet a man for a relationship in a few years (ime pregnancy and babies aren't good for dating).

Good luck whatever you decide

The way I’d look at it is that like you said, you’d regret it if you had an abortion. While pregnancy might be difficult (emotionally) if there’s a lot of fall out from this, you’re not going to regret it once your baby is here. I think very few people regret having their children!

I’m not anti abortion by any means but it sounds like you already know that you’d regret it if you aborted and you have already said this might be your only chance for a baby. Forget him and his issues - don’t let him come into the decision making process. If you genuinely want a baby and would regret abortion then have the baby. It sounds like abortion would be great for him but fuck what he wants - after the way he’s behaved his wants and needs shouldn’t even come into it and you shouldn’t consider abortion just to essentially make his life easier/allow him to keep his cheating secret

In your shoes OP I would go it alone, you seem ready to have a baby and able to cope fine without this man.

Not exactly the same circumstances but 13 years ago I was in a very similar predicament. I had already split with the father (more of a fling than a relationship).

I told him I was pg and he was adamant I had to have an abortion. I was in a mess. Didn't know what to do. Didn't think I could do it alone etc.

Cutting a long story short I had the baby. I was never someone who dreamt of motherhood or family etc and my financial situation wasn't as stable as yours.

I couldn't imagine a single moment of regret over having her. I'm not going to say it's all been plain sailing and the hardest thing has probably been navigating my/her "relationship" with her dad.

In the end I had to ignore his wishes. It wasn't rational on his part anyway and I had to do what was right for me.

He deceived you. He obviously took risks. What happens to him and his family is not your current concern. You need to be strong and not let the fall out effect you. It doesn't need to.

Good luck!

if there’s a lot of fall out from this, you’re not going to regret it once your baby is here. I think very few people regret having their children!

She may only regret it once the baby is here and she has to witness the impact on her child. I sure as hell regret the shit my DCs dad has put them through.

I think you do have to take him into account with your decision. Even if he initially decides he doesn't want to be involved (likely as he won't want his wife to know) he will always be in the background, sooner or later he will pop back into child's life and what will child know about him. Where does it go? Would you want money from him (he should pay) but then wife would know, would you be ok with knowing wife could find out at any point and have that hanging over you. Do you want a child with a father who acted like this?
On the other hand are you willing to risk (all be it a small risk) that if you wanted to fall pregnant another time it might not happen. Many relationships break down but do you want to start a pregnancy single or if you have a child do you want the unit style situation. How do you feel going forward about bringing new partners into your child's life and the impact that will have on you? It's not a simple "do you want a baby" question, it's do you want a baby here and now and like this? Not saying you shouldn't but just that having a baby is hard even when it's all you've wanted and planned and have a partner, when you have agro and no partner and aren't even sure you want children that's a lot to deal with. You need to talk it all through with someone, if you don't want to tell family or friends as they may pressure you then speak to a pregnancy advisor or some sort of therapist you need to make the right decision and one that you can live with.