Bigger house or 3rd DC...?

[solerosolero]

I know this seems awkward choice between the two, but hear me out.
I am 40, divorced with 2 DC age 11 and 9.
Have a good job and own house with relatively small mortgage.
In a 3 year stable relationship with DP but we don't live together and have no immediate plans to but may happen in few years time (he has 3 DC, youngest 9). He is an awesome dad to his DC, that's one of the reasons we cannot live together as he wants to stay close to them while their are young.

I am starting to feel it could be my last chance to have a third DC and I am quite broody. DP does not actively want due to his circumstances, although if circumstances were different he wouldn't rule it out. For a safety sake I would assume the worst, to be a single mum again.
I am healthy and can afford to. He would probably be involved but wouldn't live together at least not for some years.

Or, I can afford increase my mortgage and to buy a dream house and live a nice lifestyle with a hot tub in my garden haha.

If I go for a house then I couldn't have the 3rd DC, it would become too stretched financially as I wouldn't have financial cushion. I would need to get a coil fitted for contraception and that would mean a definite decision of no more children.

What do I do?? In my ideal world I would have a 3rd child over a bigger house but thinking a bit selfish to take it on knowing that DP is not to keen? (I am pretty sure he would love the baby - but still not sure if it is fair on him and the baby and my own DC).

DP does not actively want due to his circumstances

Sorry but he has told you clearly that he doesn't want another child. You're just not listening.

Up to you if you really want another child, but please be honest with him. Don't trick him or have an 'accident' with your contraception.

There's also a big gap between your youngest and what could be DC3. Could you managing running around after teenagers/after school clubs/social arrangements when you've got a baby/toddler at home asleep (as a single Mum)? Just asking this as it's something my sister did not consider when she had her second and it's making life really difficult for all of them.

Honestly, at the risk of sounding a bit harsh, I think you would be insane to have another child. You already have 2, that really is plenty. Between you and your DP you already have 5 kids! Plus doesn't sound like he really wants one anyway. Are you planning to get pregnant without telling him you are trying and just hoping he will be happy? Sorry it kind of reads like that.

Enjoy your beautiful big house and freedom!

No to the 3rd child.

No. Hormones have sent you utterly mad. 😁

Big house for sure. Big age gap between your other kids, DP doesnt want a baby and you dont even live together.
Big house will be great for your existing kids and when your partner moves in there will be plenty of space for all of you, and step kids when they visit.

Buy the house, your partner isn't on board for another child.

How big is your current house?

No to 3rd child. There are enough children between you and your DP and he doesn’t even want another child.

You shouldn't rule out a 3rd child if that's what feels right but I do think you should be v honest with your DP about it.
If you decide to do it, I would assume you might then buy together and get a bigger mortgage thus a bigger house?
I don't think it has to be one or the other.
And personally I would be sad to walk through a bigger house with no extra child to fill it. I would wonder what the point of it was. That's a personal opinion though

I know you said you wouldn’t move it together if you had a baby, but wouldn’t it be much harder to raise a DC in separate houses if you were to have one and were still together? so would need a bigger house probably need space for when his kids are with him, so doesnt that complicate things?

*in

Think very carefully before having another child it could impact massively on the life you now lead.

If you have twins, transport, holidays and general day to day care will impact greatly on your current children.

I also know of someone whose child was born prematurely with lots of ongoing problems she had to give up work and downsize to a smaller house.

Take off your rose tinted specs and really appreciate the fortunate position you are in.

Given the details in the OP it sounds selfish. You don’t mention the impact on your older children at all. Your partner doesn’t want another child. I can’t imagine your older children would either- especially if you’re effectively going to be a single parent.

Think about the potential DC3 it would be blood related to 3 half siblings that it would not live with. Plus a further 2 half siblings it did live with. The potential for resentment from so many sides is high.

Large age gaps seem to work better than medium sized ones. There are 5 school years between my two and they are only just becoming friends now aged 21 and 16.

You are imagining a third child that is NT. What if it were disabled? My 16 year old has disabilities and a significant mental health issue. I didn’t see that one coming. The reality is I will never be free from worry. No happy retirement with an empty nest for me.

In your shoes I wouldn’t buy a bigger house either. Small mortgage means more disposable income to enjoy life.

The third DC sounds good in theory. Being realistic it probably isn't a good idea.

No 3rd DC, you’re DC are heading to teens; more independent, more freedom for you. Do you want a stroppy teenager in your 50s when you could be financially secure?
Your DP has 3 DC who he doesn’t live with and you’re thinking of adding another, respect his wishes and calm down.

• your not you’re

Sorry I’d go for the new house too.

OP if you want to be a single mother of 3 children to two fathers then go ahead.

Your partner is doing what he's suppose to in terms of being a father but he has told you clearly he doesn't want another child.

@solerosolero Definitely NO to a third child, for so many reasons. The main one being that you are 40. And you already have two. You don't need any more.

Your hormones are sending you cuckoo- he’s told you he doesn’t want a baby. You have 2, he has 3, isn’t 5 enough between you??

Big age gap, half siblings on both sides, your age, partner doesn't want one.....think it's pretty obvious you shouldn't. I know it's hard, I want a fourth but sometimes you have to think sensibly

Circumstances are not different. Please don’t go ahead with this hormonal impulse.

You DP sounds decent and you would put him in an impossible situation. Your own DC aren’t likely to be keen and you’d be putting all the security you have in jeopardy.

Consider a dog.

I can’t believe you are even entertaining the thought of having another child when your DP clearly said he doesn’t want one 🙄.

Thank you that's appreciated. Maybe just being hormonal.. I never knew anyone who regretted a third child, but I do realise the strain it might put to everyone else.
I need to sort out my long term contraception too so I know any decision made now will be long -term.

To be clear my DP would like one but things the circumstances are totally wrong.
@MatildaTheCat actually a new house and a dog that's a combination I also have in mind, and at least a dog would make my DC very happy.