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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She's pregnant....

66 replies

verasbra · 20/08/2019 21:50

My best friend of 27 years has told me she's pregnant to a man she's been with for 9 months...moved him in after 3 months and engaged after 7 months.....he was multiple children to 5 different women. I can't believe she's been so stupid.

She already has one dd to a previous relationship. She's told me that he has told her 'you're different to the others' etc etc. He isn't involved in all of his other dcs lives though she won't tell me why.

Aibu to ask how you would handle this as a friend? I want to support her obviously but I don't feel I can right now. This is all going to end in tears. Her family don't like him at all and say he's cocky and arrogant though I can imagine they will be thrilled at the thought of another grandchild - she was adamant she didn't want anymore.

She wants someone to be happy for her....but that person isn't me.

OP posts:

whattodowith · 21/08/2019 09:13

My friend did this last year. Met someone, moved in, eloped and pregnant within 9 months. The baby was his third to third woman so I was extremely dubious but they portray happiness to all and sundry on social media.

You just have to be there if/when it all falls apart I suppose. She’s already pregnant so the warning horse has already bolted.

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 09:16

Fucking hell:
It may be time for you to distance yourself. You are not obliged to pick up the pieces of a friend's terrible decisions

It may be time for you benefit from a really good friend, who can demonstrate to you that genuine friendship doesn't rely on obligations @Perunatop.

Sorry you can only allow friends into your life on condition they make the 'correct' decisions according to your diktat. Still, not to worry - it's always "Fair Weather" up there on the moral high ground, huh?

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 09:22

Excellent point from @kateandme -
if you are switzerland she will know she can come to you.

There's another thread on currently where the OP's marriage is down the pan & she's too embarrassed to tell friends & family.
And & man who doesn't have any contact with his multiple kids is such a blasted red flag, your friend may have a good deal more than embarrassment to deal with.

Good luck for Friday - you can do this OP x

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 09:24

I'd never talk to her again, she sounds totally immoral & I doubt her friendship is worth anything really.

Hell's teeth, the Moral Majority are out in force today, innit?!

GabsAlot · 21/08/2019 09:28

Ther question is can she afford to do this alone once hes gone because he will leave-he owes thousands in cs so shes not going to see a penny is she-she doesn sound immature who has a baby to get attention?

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 09:29

Why are you so invested, all you should do is support your friend, not come on a public forum and, (how shall I say) (slag) her off behind her back!

Heavens forfend that OP is so unnaturally human that she has some slightly unworthy but very natural feelings about her friend's choices, & instead of dumping & running, chooses an anonymous forum to help her sort out her conflicted emotions, with the express purpose of finding a way to properly support said friend!
The very idea! How disgraceful!!

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 09:39

Ignore the bashers @verasbra, you sound like a clear sighted & excellent chum.

She knows I'm a very straight talking person and I've always been there for her, but extremely honest ...

You can still be straightalking - just not about Mr But You're So Different - by focusing on practicalities with her.
And ensuring that this financially feckless man doesn't get access to any of her assets. You can do that without slagging him off, but by referencing the time her DD's dad let her down (or whatever happened), & encouraging her to take preventative steps to ensure she & her kids are protected should this one, for any reason, not work out ...

You'll find a tactful way to put this over, & it doesn't have to be all at once or in some great statement. You can look out for her if she's about to make any daft decision about house ownership for example.
(Call me cynical - but does she own her property? Is it in her name? Is the reason for the marriage to get his name on her deeds? Apologies - but I've seen it happen.)

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 09:43

What???

She sounds awful!

Sometimes people do things that make you reevaluate friendships.

They sure do. Like dumping them as an extra punishment for when they feck up in life.

cacklingmags · 21/08/2019 09:51

She is probably going to need a lot of support from you in the not too distant future. Put aside judgements, you can be a good friend without agreeing with her choices.

JamdaniSari · 21/08/2019 09:57

Your friend sounds very insecure.

Who the hell would want to be with that kind of man!?

PavlovaFaith · 21/08/2019 10:30

I've been there OP. My friend eventually saw sense (he was abusive) and then she came home and had the baby. She's very happy now but her circumstances are pretty hopeless. Poor job, can't afford to move out, living with family. I'm just grateful that's she's safe.

diddl · 21/08/2019 10:53

" Like dumping them as an extra punishment for when they feck up in life."

How is deliberately having a kid because your partner has one with his ex & you're jealous of it fucking up?

It's a deliberate decision & a horrible one imo.

And now to have a kid with a man who has nothing to do with his others!

If Op wants to be her friend & wait around to pick up the pieces, great.

Not all of us would I guess!

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 11:25

I think the OP's thread was asking for advice about how to best support her friend despite her probably well-founded reservations @diddl, not additional judgement of either her choice of friend or the friend herself.

& fecking up is fecking up whether it's deliberate or not.
When we make bad decisions, we mainly convince ourselves that they're good ones. Otherwise we wouldn't follow them through, would we? Sometimes we make poor decisions for complex psychological or historic family reasons. OP's friend is probably doing that, as she sounds so insecure any thinking person is going to wonder what background issues have caused such extreme insecurity.

People do not automatically become bad people just because they have made a bad decision. Black & white thinking like that isn't compulsory! - & sometimes indicates a tendency to triangulation/splitting which in itself is a prime indicator of a disordered personality. As is setting oneself up as the moral arbiter of who is allowed to have a baby or not, & deciding anyone whose reasons are Not Exactly The Same As Mine is automatically a bad person.

diddl · 21/08/2019 11:34

"People do not automatically become bad people just because they have made a bad decision. "

No that's true, of course, but it can show that you are fundamentally different people & that a friendship is no longer tenable.

It can also be really difficult to pretend to be happy for someone when you're not & that can put a strain on a friendship.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 21/08/2019 11:39

Aibu to ask how you would handle this as a friend? what do you feel you need to handle? She’s a grown arse woman, there is nothing for you to “handle”

You just carry on being friends and let her crack on with her life choice 🤷🏻‍♀️ She’s pregnant by a man you don’t like, she hasn’t committed a crime or anything so why people are suggesting you dump the friendship isn’t beyond me, glad I don’t have friends like them!

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 11:54

It can also be really difficult to pretend to be happy for someone when you're not & that can put a strain on a friendship.

Oh I completely agree.
And part of poor old OP's problem is that she's actively anticipating problems which her friend can't/won't see right now, & trying to assess how bad it could get & what she might be able to do to help mitigate the fallout.

I admire her for looking to calculate the scope of the strain that she is very likely to be feeling in a few months when the baby is here but the dad - & certainly any financial support from him for his newest kid - are not. Or even worse - he's still here, but being a controlling arsehole. Until OP knows for sure no wonder she's so knotted up with angst she needed to post here for support/advice.

I have really good chums who have made disastrous relationship decisons. One had a second baby with a jealous alcoholic. Do I respect her choice of partner? - no. Can I be happy about her baby - yes. Do I care enough for her to anticipate the awful future fallout & decide to be there for her anyway? - in her instance, yes. She's a good mate. That's what I mean about moving away from the black & white thinking. My chum is certainly not a bad person. She just made a bad decision. I'd be a bad friend if I walked away from the strain it's going to cause me personally - but yes, in the privacy of my own head there is personal dismay at how I am gonna help her handle the fallout. So I simply focus on how much worse it is for her than me, who only has to handle to strain of being supportive, not living with an alkie who makes his partner feel guilty for being in the same room as any other non-related man.

Anyhoo, hope all that is relevant to OP i.e. not derailing!

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