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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's pregnant....

66 replies

verasbra · 20/08/2019 21:50

My best friend of 27 years has told me she's pregnant to a man she's been with for 9 months...moved him in after 3 months and engaged after 7 months.....he was multiple children to 5 different women. I can't believe she's been so stupid.

She already has one dd to a previous relationship. She's told me that he has told her 'you're different to the others' etc etc. He isn't involved in all of his other dcs lives though she won't tell me why.

Aibu to ask how you would handle this as a friend? I want to support her obviously but I don't feel I can right now. This is all going to end in tears. Her family don't like him at all and say he's cocky and arrogant though I can imagine they will be thrilled at the thought of another grandchild - she was adamant she didn't want anymore.

She wants someone to be happy for her....but that person isn't me.

OP posts:
Raaaaaah · 20/08/2019 23:05

Why wouldn’t she be a friend of 27yrs Ravenblack?

iogo · 20/08/2019 23:12

Can only people 26 years old and under use Mumsnet Ravenblack ?

OP - all you can do is be there for her. She's not going to listen to you right now when she's blinded by him and pg.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 20/08/2019 23:17

I’d try convince the daft cow to consider her options.

kateandme · 20/08/2019 23:37

stay neutral about him if you can.if it all goes wrong she will ned someone that wasnt her family so she might be scared to prove them right,nor gushing like others so doesnt want them to think shes lying in his behaviour.if you are switzerland she will know she can come to you.

of course if that starts nose diving you might have to re-think.but still it should nevr be with judgeent or scorn on her sillyness that you see.but of just being there.shit happens.
shit especailly happens when you are blinded by love
there is still a child here.however its come its coming.she might be overjoyed by that and that is only a good thing for a mother to be.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/08/2019 00:09

verasbra

Whilst I don't agree with @Mermaidoutofwater that he sounds "potentially abusive" I do agree that he will most likely "abandon her and the baby" as soon as it gets real.

He sounds like a dick, the best you can do is be there for your friend.

flatulencebythebucket · 21/08/2019 00:18

I'd never talk to her again, she sounds totally immoral & I doubt her friendship is worth anything really.

SleepWarrior · 21/08/2019 00:34

Good people get sucked in by charming arseholes all the time (not just in romantic relationships either). She'll realise soon enough and feel much more able to confide in you if you haven't previously told her that she's made a big mistake - nobody likes an 'I told you so' moment, however appropriate it may be.

areukiddingme · 21/08/2019 00:37

Why are you so invested, all you should do is support your friend, not come on a public forum and, (how shall I say) (slag) her off behind her back!

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2019 01:08

I'd be most concerned that she won't tell you why he doesn't see his other children. What reason could she have for not telling? I can think of two; violence or sexual abuse.

Be happy for her having a baby. But I wouldn't act as if I approved of the relationship.

Original poster
verasbra · 21/08/2019 07:28

Thanks for all responses once again. I don't mean to come across like I'm slagging her off - I'm not meaning too. She's my best friend and this life of hers now isn't her. She didn't ever want children to begin with. She had her dd because her ex had a dc previous and she couldn't stand that dc got more attention than she did from her ex. She admitted this to me through a string of texts one night when she was upset. She was adamant she would only ever have dd.

Granted people can change their mind but this is even worse than the first time round. So I'm struggling to be happy for her because I know this is never what she wanted out of life deep down and I fear she's done the same again - got pregnant to trap this man she feels is so wonderful.

I know he has a child of pre school age who he doesn't see. I know someone who knows the mother and the mother actually sent her sister (who I am also friends with) a message to warn my friend. He owes thousands in child support and just goes from woman to woman. This woman's child was introduced to 4 different women in a year. My friend has been told this by her sister but not taken notice unfortunately.

When I see her on Friday, I'll be happy regarding her pregnancy and try not to talk about him as much. I'll tell her I'll be there for her and just talk about pregnancy related things. I'm just so worried for her and would do anything to give her head a shake

She's 35 for those asking, think he's 40

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 21/08/2019 07:38

If you can't support her and it seems like you are just waiting for it to go to shit so you can say you were right then you're not a friend.

Original poster
verasbra · 21/08/2019 07:41

@onanothertrain honestly not at all. But I can't see how it won't go shit can you? She knows I'm a very straight talking person and I've always been there for her, but extremely honest. I don't feel this is the time that I need to be as honest with her because as others have said, it won't do any good.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2019 08:08

onatrain
I don’t agree. It is very hard to see your friend head down a path she never would have considered before. It makes me wonder if coercive control involved.

All you can do is be there for her as per your last post. She already knows you disapprove of her partner. Do look out for signs she is being abused by him.

dottiedodah · 21/08/2019 08:09

Sometimes these sorts of men can be very charming and charismatic .Why they seem to have so many children/partners etc .Its hard for you as you can see hes not exactly Mr Darcy !.Sadly to her he is ! All you can do is be happy for her thats all .Who knows this time it may even work out !.Just focus on the child she has and the forthcoming baby ,all you can do really

onanothertrain · 21/08/2019 08:12

No I can't but that's not the point here I think we all know it's going to shit. I'm straight talking as well but sometimes you just need to keep your opinions to yourself and keep a close eye on the situation. She'll need you. If this was my friend I'd say are you sure you know what you're doing? If the amswer is yes, I'm happy etc then don't push your opinions on her.

CoraPirbright · 21/08/2019 08:19

She had her dd because her ex had a dc previous and she couldn't stand that dc got more attention than she did from her ex.

WTF??? Is that actually true? If so, I can’t understand why you are friends with this woman. She had the first child for awful reasons and the second will be because she is too thick to see what is staring her in the face.

minibroncs · 21/08/2019 08:27

He sounds like the classic abusive man, as in coercive control. So, I would follow the advice here:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

And do my utmost to make sure she didn't end up isolated from me and that I remained someone she felt she could trust who wouldn't judge or criticise her, so that when she did reach a point of being ready to ak for help she felt able to turn to me. If she ends up cut off from everyone but him she will be trapped and much less likely to ever break free, so don't help him out by isolating her.

I also wouldn't tell her what I thought of him or the relationship, although if it was appropriate in a conversation I might ask her gentle questions to give her an opportunity to think about or share any worries she had without feeling she was being told what to think or being criticised for falling in love. Any decision to leave MUST come from her, when she is ready, and that day will only get further away if people start demanding she leave.

So for instance if she was describing something awful he had done and was minimising it, depending on what it was obviously I might say something along the lines of "I think I'd be really upset if someone did that to me, how do you feel about it?". Nothing pushing judgement or passive aggressive, but genuine.

And if and when she seemed ready and receptive I might discuss the Freedom Programme with her.

It may be beneficial for you to go on the Freedom Programme yourself op so you can better understand how this man has drawn her in and how he's keeping her there so you will be able to help her more effectively and without getting so frustrated as time goes on. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Your judgement and anger should be directed at the abusive man who's drawn her into his web. Not your friend.

diddl · 21/08/2019 08:32

" She had her dd because her ex had a dc previous and she couldn't stand that dc got more attention than she did from her ex. "

What???

She sounds awful!

Sometimes people do things that make you reevaluate friendships.

cakecakecheese · 21/08/2019 08:33

Well no one wants to see their friend with someone who could potentially be bad for them. Just be supportive and listen to her and be prepared to pick up the pieces if/when it goes wrong.

BenWillbondsPants · 21/08/2019 08:34

My friend of 32 years has just had a baby @Ravenblack. We've been friends since we were 7.

BlodwynBludd · 21/08/2019 08:36

maybe you should consider a Claire's law application.

EverTheConundrum · 21/08/2019 08:47

@BlodwynBludd Only OP's friend can do that

BlodwynBludd · 21/08/2019 08:49

I thought she could do the application but anything that came up would only be disclosed to the partner. So in this case the op could contact the force area for her friend and if there was anything then they woukd contact the friend and disclose the danger.

messolini9 · 21/08/2019 09:03

she was adamant she didn't want anymore.

She wants someone to be happy for her....but that person isn't me.

Can see your point, but maybe she has genuinely changed her mind about having another child - so much so that the pregnancy is more important than the impregnator? If so - you can be happy about her pregnancy with her.

If not - sadly, you're gonna have to grit your teeth & pretend.
Because that ship has sailed, & if she's already buying the stale old "but you are so different & special, not at all like the other 96 women I let down!" rubbish, it's also possible that she's sold herself the pathetic & soon-to-be-painful notion that She Can Change Him ...

You can only focus on her happiness, her baby, & be around to pick up the pieces without any I Told You So's when the relationship goes tits up. Sounds like she's going to need a really good trusty loyal mate around fairly soon.

SouthernComforts · 21/08/2019 09:08

So, your opinion is that your "best friend" had her last child because she was jealous of the attention her ex gave his kids? Mmm yeah I'm out.

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