To ask what aspects of your parents parenting style would you not want in your own parenting style?

[TomLee475]

Basically what would you do differently to your parents.

My parents were (and still are) amazing but there are a few things I'll do differently with my own DC:

1. No smacking or angry threats. I want to try and be less quick to anger with my DC than my parents were with me (but I appreciate I haven't yet reached the stage where DC is trying my patience)

1. I want to take DC out to lots of different places and let her see things and have experiences. I didn't have a deprived childhood but we always played in the garden and were never taken to a museum, the zoo or anywhere out of the ordinary.

1. I want to be able to have frank and open conversations about things when DC is old enough. My parents never really explained the stuff that happens when you grow up, or it was explained briefly to me by my DM (never my DF!)

1. I would like DC to grow up not worrying about what people think of what she's wearing/etc. My DM grew up with nothing and places a lot of value on things and new clothes to make an impression, which I find myself doing sometimes too. I don't want those thoughts to cross DC's mind.

1. I'd like to raise DC with a healthy outlook on finances. We never struggled when I was growing up but finance was scrutinised to the point I now obsess over our own finances and how much has been spent on x, y and z and this can suck the fun out of things quickly.

1. No Smacking
2. no screaming and shouting rows in front of DC which go on for hours during which time no one gets fed
3. tell my DD I love her and I am proud of her (never heard this from my parents)
4. take my DD places and encourage her to develop hobbies and interests. I had to beg to be taken to Brownies from age 7 and eventually was taken at 9)
5. keep the house tidy so that DD can have friends round to play (I could never have friends round to play as the house was messy and I never knew when a row would kick off)

@LadyRannaldini

Well I don't know...I don't emotionally or physically abuse my daughter. I had a door repeatedly slammed on my foot because I shoved it in the door when she tried to kick me out at 10. Then at 14 she did it again and when I went to leave she dragged me back by my hair.

I had several sexual assaults starting age 13 ,in different circumstances, which she did nothing about or blamed me or laughed at me.

Spent years moaning I don't eat enough and I make her want to throw herself out the window, and then many many many more shaming me I'm too fat and disgusting and no one will want me. Now she swapped to the "concern about health " bs...as if.

There are many other things, so the bar is pretty low tbh,but if DD really will feel the same way, I'll have a bloody good look at myself first before I dismiss her and her feelings or my behaviour as "the times".

I won’t hit DS
I won’t ever ridicule him or dismiss his feelings
I won’t ever smack him over the head and tell him he is stupid, just for being a child.
I will take interest in his education
I won’t let him wonder off alone around swimming pools at 6 years old, or leave him on his own with heat stroke at 10.
I won’t ever go on about how I can’t wait for him to go back to school, or to go to bed or whatever so I can be away from him (and pretend it’s all a big joke)
I won’t ever move to a foreign country and cut him out of my life because my new spouse is a jealous twat.

My mum is incredibly negative and compared Herself and us to others, negatively all the time.
So I try to be the opposite of that

Negativity. Any idea I had always came with a doom and gloom scenario in case it all went wrong !

Primarily letting them be who they actually are rather than who I would perhaps like them to be! So if they’re ‘shy’, ‘uptight’ or ‘quiet’ I don’t treat it as a character defect.

I don't smack my DC but otherwise I think they modelled good parenting behaviours.

It's interesting how most of the comments have been about bad/abusive parenting.
My parents were great. Loved us, gave us what we needed and a certain amount what we wanted.

What I do differently:
No long walks. My parents loved a long walk. I hate them, and was always "jollied" into doing it. I don't do long walks.
Worrying: Dm is a worrier. I am too. However I try and keep the worry from stopping the dc from doing things they want to do (within reason). I remember very well the brownie trip she wouldn't let me go on because it was November and might be icy coming back on a bus (it wasn't)
Being over involved: My siblings were quite clingy, so I think it suited them. But I wanted to be independent. Mixed in with the worrying this meant that dm would always be offering to take/go along etc trips to a point friends used to say "why is your dm always there?"
Mealtimes: Dm and df thought you would expire if you had "foreign food" or anything that didn't involve brown bread or mashed potato. I eat neither now. Not only do we eat such exotic food like pizza, but if I know the dc don't like something I don't insist they eat it.
Fashionable things/fads: Dm used to say things along the lines of "aren't you glad you don't like those rubbishy things" with things that were in at school. Actually most of the time I was not bothered (still aren't, although my dsis was) but the false "you're too sensible to want it" used to upset me because I did want it. If something is "in" at school and it isn't expensive or inappropriate I do let them have it.
Spending money: The expression we use with df is he saves money for a rainy day through rainy days. Things like we never ate out. I love eating out. I hate packed lunches. I became very adapt at throwing away my entire lunch without anyone knowing. Again we used to get the comments "aren't you do glad you've got such a wonderful healthy tasty lunch as opposed to the horrid meals you would get in there". I never was.

A lot of these things I do respect my parents for. Just I have chosen to be different, because I didn't like it growing up.
interestingly my siblings are much more inclined to do the same as them. Growing up was far more similar to my parents than either of them were (except if my siblings got in a strop they were just like my df, who was like his dm...)

I think I parent fairly similarly to my Father but try to be nothing like my Mother. They separated when I was a baby and I spent every weekend with my Dad plus he took me abroad annually and I’d generally spend half of the summer holidays with him. I just remember him being so fun and taking me to lots of different exciting places plus he always listened to me. Whatever I had to say he listened, made me feel loved and important and he never once raised his voice at me. I appreciate it was easier for him to be calm since he didn’t have to deal with the day to day monotony of school runs and such though!

My Mother shouted all of the time, got angry over the silliest things, hit me and also had an abusive partner who beat me. She didn’t leave him because she was afraid to be alone and put that fear above me. I very rarely shout at my DC and have never hit them. The only place I remember ever really going with my Mum was the pub as well, I take my DC all over like my Dad did with me.

Push academic options without any idea of the current or future job market. I doubt I'll know any better than they did, but I sure as hell will make sure my kids think their career options through rather than simply push them into a degree without foresight for afterwards.

Give any punishments that are wholly undeserved (yes, I got punished by my parents because somebody else was sexually assaulted by someone I didn't invite at my birthday party).

I will TRY to live slightly more in their present world. I won't force them to be anything they're not, but I will try and ensure that they don't miss out on trends and fashions just because I'm a dinosaur by then. I won't just give them what I like and expect them to like it.

(I will be liberal, tolerant, encourage academic interests, require chores, give good understanding of finances, and encourage self sufficiency above all else.)

I listen more.

I remember when I was growing up feeling like I was never listened too or taken seriously when it was important.
Always felt as if my feelings didn't matter.

Relate exactly to most posts on here. So I'll just say the things that haveynt been mentioned or my post will be infinitely long. I would not have five children as I recognise I would not have the capacity to give them all the love and warmth they deserve. As I was basically subjected to years of trauma because it was mainly too much for them. Not sure what people think of this one, I'd love to know, but i wouldn't have such a large age gap between my children. As i was the youngest by far, both siblings wise and cousin wise. So always excluded, and never recieved the 'cute younger sibling' attention either. I was made to believe I was a complete nuisance by both my parents and my entire family. That i just got in the way constantly and literally felt like a pest, my siblings were ruthless and uncaring and I was shamed daily. I found myself never being prioritised, and what was the point of doing family things if most of them were too old for it anyway. I don't know if this experience of a sibling age gap was so bad because of my parents parenting style, and that if we grew up relatively happy and well adjusted that this would be a completely different experience entirely or there would always be some level of isolation there. Of course, not to the level i found myself subjected to.

This was massive for me aswell. I always grew up feeling I did not matter. And my opinions were always steamrolled over until i stopped giving them at all. There were countless times where I was left crying for hours because I was forced into another frilly dress or forced to have ear piercings, which I'll never understand why they were so strict about. Or forced to do a million other things in accordance to their impossibly high expectations. It seems minor, but had alot of consequences because they repeatedly broke my will, and undermined my autonomy more times than I could count, until i felt personally violated. Number one thing I change is listening to them and taking their feelings into account. Although, I wouldn't go too far, and not liet them alllways get their way. I do always try to validate their feelings and their experience.

I will do my best to apologise when I'm wrong. I don't think my parents have ever apologised for anything or admitted they were wrong in my life.

This is a really good one.

And allowing them to be their own people, following their own interests.

Well, I didn’t drag my kids round by their hair, beat them with a horsewhip, drag them down the stairs by one leg, and tell them daily that they were “hopeless helpless and useless”, so I’d say I did a better job than my vile parents.
I also made a point of telling them I loved them, spending time with them, prioritising their needs and supporting their emotional well-being. When they were ill, I didn’t burst into their bedrooms at night and shout at them to stop coughing as it kept me awake.
I used my parents basically as a template for “How not to treat kids”.

It was hard to think of anything initially because my mum is one of my best friends and since having my son I admire her evenmore. That being said, she could have encouraged us to cook from an earlier age (I started at 18 because I was veggie for 3 years) and before that could only "cook" toast, cereal and sandwiches. This was likely due to the risks of cooking which I understand and never judge my mum and stepdad for. Still remember the first time the frying pan went up in flames when I out water on the oil at 19! Would have been helpful to know that happens but it's all a learning curve.

Put

I had the good fortune to marry a man who's an amazing dad. Mine was awful, my mum left him but not soon enough. She did her best but was largely absent or emotionally unavailable as she was just trying to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. I think I'm probably the kind of parent she would have been with a supportive partner.

I don’t force my children to eat even when they’re full, I have no problem with them not clearing their plates.
I do not swear at them.
I don’t constantly yell no, I explain why we can’t always do things and compromise on a different activity.
I have more patience and understanding for the fact that they are just children.
My parents tried their best but I certainly don’t want to parent my children the same at all!

I will never give my DC a "dog's lay'n on" as my DF called it (battered with an object).

I will never tell my DC no one loves them.

I will never call my DC names.

My parents were not bad parents, but mistakes were made and they're very much a product of their time and situation.
My mum still has a lot of internalised misogyny she's still dealing with.
Also, the church we attended had a couple of very loud mouth judgy types who had a variety of ways of being nasty if they thought your family wasn't up to scratch. My mum was very much brought up with a "putting a good face on" ideal, no matter what was going on under the surface. We were expected to always behave, ie be totally silent and sit still, and my mum in particular resorted to ruling through fear.
I do not want to do that. My youngest is 5 and has limits on how long he can be quiet for. I understand this and generally make allowances.
I also don't expect perfection. My mum would say the same, only that we try our hardest, but if we didn't get high results we were accused of not trying.
I HOPE that by being a bit more relaxed and not bothered about others opinions in the same way then my children will feel that.
Also I've got help for my mental health which is definitely making me a better parent and something my mum should have done long before she actually did.
I feel like I'm waffling now. I do understand the context of my parents actions and I can see how some decisions were made to make life easier for them, but the long term cost really isn't worth it. I'm trying to boost my children's confidence not remove it.

By and large I had a great childhood, and while my parents weren't perfect they could have been a lot worse.

Many of the things I probably won't be doing with mine are things I actually found enjoyable or at least amusing and mostly still do. In all honesty I'd be happy to continue some of them, although most people would disagree and they would be very much frowned upon even if not actually illegal:

• Give my 5 and 6 year olds wine or beer with meals;
• Have separate adults' and children's tables when on holiday with other familes, and knowingly watch my 9 year old order wine (in the local language) for said kids' table (ages 7, 9, 10 and 12);
• Store my porn collection in my 14 year old son's bedroom;
• Ask my 9 year old to move the rented camper van from one plot to another;
• Not refer to colleagues etc as "Fuckfeatures" in front of them.

More seriously, I will never require or expect my children to take sides when/if their parents argue.

I won't try to use their childhood to re-live mine vicariously in the way I always wanted to. Don't want to start violin lessons when you don't even know what a violin is? No problem. Prefer to spend the summer swimming rather than tennis lessons you have repeatedly said you don't want? Fine.

And I will never let them grow up thinking that they are an expense I am reluctant to meet:

• Overtly approving when they consistently order the cheapest thing on the menu, even if they've actually said they'd rather have something else;
• Not willing to spend the money heating or airconditioning their rooms unless absolutely necessary, even if I enjoy that luxury myself;
• Denying them mainstream, every day experiences that they need to fully understand in order to participate in life on cost grounds. When I started at Uni in the mid Nineties I had never used a computer because my parents didn't see the need for one and didn't want to spend the money; I was years behind my peers and always playing catch-up. I guess this is the same as a PP meant by living in their world, rather than mine.

Oh, nearly forgot this one. If I let huge, loud, window-rattling eye-watering farts out in public or other otherwise inappropriate places in front of my children, I will never let them know I find it absolutely hilarious. Even if I do. And I certainly won't let them grow up aspiring to it.