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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heart/head torment!

37 replies

Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:20

NC for this.

I am sorry - I cannot be more detailed that this. I am not being deliberately mysterious but I feel I just can't lay out the specific details.

I am signed up for something for the next few years. To say I am dreading it is an understatement. I feel I will hate every second and I really don't want to do it. Two years is not long but it can feel like a lifetime.

If you asked me what my gut feeling is it would be NOT to do it. I actually feel like crying and running away!

As ever though, it's not that simple!

In doing this thing for 2 years it may help me to achieve what really IS my heart's desire, all be it in a round about way. Not guaranteed but certainly a help.

I would give anything just to go straight for my real desire but it's just not possible at the moment for various reasons. To make it worse, time is of the essence and in some ways against me.

There could be another way but I am going crazy playing round and round in my head, that other option that I could take which would mean not putting myself through something I feel I will hate but, although it must be in the realms of possibility, it escapes me.

I feel I am doing a terrible thing in ignoring my feelings and forcing through with this but I keep telling myself to think of the end result and get on with it. I feel very torn, conflicted and even tormented.

My question is - have you ever been in this situation and what happened? Have you ever forced yourself to do something you hate for a fairly prolonged period and it's turned out well/you've enjoyed it/ you've not enjoyed it but you feel the time spent doing this was worthwhile because it's paid off in some way for you?

Have you any advice or encouragement? Please!

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2019 15:22

Think with your head. Think through the absolute practicalities of any given situation and go with whatever makes most sense for you; if that's going to take you a while longer do it. If it's going to make you happier, do it.

I do think the whole mystery thing is going to mean you get a booting on here, though. It's excessive.

Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:25

Thank you, I know it's frustrating I am truly not being deliberately mysterious I really wish I COULD just spill it out, I need to. No one I speak to seems to understand. I am going demented. I feel I will crack. Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 20/08/2019 15:28

If you don't explain what it is I don't see how anyone can advise you?

Is it work-related, for instance?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2019 15:31

If you truly feel you'll 'crack' then you need to either spill on here or find someone who'll listen in real life because as SirJames says nobody can offer you any real advice unless they actually know what they're advising you on.

For example, your head/heart thing suggested to me it might be a relationship issue. Then your "another way around it" thing made me think perhaps university or work. But who'll be able to give you any insight unless you offer some up yourself?

Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:32

SJT

I understand but it's more about the principal than the details.It's do with work and private life and I suppose money and the march of time. The big issues.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2019 15:34

Oh God are you fucking someone at work and they've promised you they'll leave in two years when their DC are old enough?

They never leave. Never.

Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:36

Fudge Lol! No! Thank goodness it is NOT this!!

OP posts:
fotheringhay · 20/08/2019 15:37

If you're absolutely convinced it'll lead you to a better place, I'm surprised you're feeling so much dread. Do you have other concerns, like moral ones? Or is it risking someone you care about? Or risking losing a lot of money, anything like that?

fotheringhay · 20/08/2019 15:38

Sorry just re-read and you're not convinced it'll help. Could that be the issue?

Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:41

fotheringhay

No moral dilemma or risk to anyone, or losing money. Nothing 'dark' or forbidden. I am wondering if my mental health with stand up to the two years. I have had a small experience of it before and I thought I would love it so much but it really messed me up but that was partly because I didn't know what to expect and now I do.

I am not saying I will hate it, I may love it. I suppose I want to find a way to look forward to it and not dread it but I am failing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:43

fotheringay

Yes it MAY help - on the flip side, it may waste 2 precious years. But I have no better idea at the moment. I'm sorry I'm not explaining anything well. My head is a mess.

OP posts:
SucculentCandle · 20/08/2019 15:45

Is it like two years of something that could mess with family life in the hope of achieving a work/career goal?

Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:49

Succulentcandle Yes this is very much a part of it, thank you. Sorry again. Yes it feels like a risk - I didn't think of that way before but it does. It in itself is nothing awful or bad, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 15:51

Succulent sorry but not a career goal but a personal family goal, that is my true motivator.

OP posts:
SucculentCandle · 20/08/2019 15:52

Have you talked to anyone who will be affected by what you'll be doing?

fotheringhay · 20/08/2019 15:54

Perhaps talk it over with a life coach/counsellor? Even writing things down can help clarify our thoughts. I find a journal massively helpful and write in it most days.

BertrandRussell · 20/08/2019 15:55

When in doubt go with your head.

bobstersmum · 20/08/2019 15:56

Fudge, what a weird guess!

MorrisZapp · 20/08/2019 15:59

Ask a real person and say clearly what it is. Do you have a friend, sister or partner?

Personally I wouldn't do something I was dreading unless there was absolutely no alternative.

loobyloo1234 · 20/08/2019 16:02

Do you have people in real life that can support you on this decision OP?

Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 16:05

Succulent and Fotheringay Thank you so much for responding. My DH is always very supportive but he really believes it will be good for me and that I will actually love it.

Despite the horrible experience I had there before it involves something that I have been passionate about for a long time and an aim I had for decades. However, people change and it has now become a means to an end.

It means putting myself into an environment which could be very difficult and even hostile and being subject to criticism and ridicule. They would never say that but it's true as that is what happened in that very same environment before. It took me a while to get over it. Even the strongest person would struggle with that.

I think you are right I need to talk to a counsellor. It is affecting me badly because it does not make sense on the outside but in the context of my own experience and in my own head it's making me very confused. Wood and trees I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 16:10

regarding others to talk to

I only have a few friends. One of them does NOT want me to go but more due to her own opinions about it in general. If I confided this she would say most definitely don't go but I don't want to be swayed by her as I could be throwing away a lifeline that could be important for me to have. I have not told her the whole picture either because I know what her attitudes are and she is quite domineering.

My other friend says 'do what makes you happy/follow your heart'.

She means well but frankly this is useless advice to me.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 20/08/2019 16:23

Is your decision irreversible? If you go to start the two years, and really struggle, can you take a step back?

Original poster
Fizzyfuzzy · 20/08/2019 16:36

Is your decision irreversible? If you go to start the two years, and really struggle, can you take a step back?

If I think about it, no, it's not irreversible. I hate to start something and not finish but in theory I could give it a few months and reassess. There would be a loss money wise but not something we couldn't manage.

I seriously hadn't considered this before! It's my all or nothing mind. I may lessen the pressure on myself by thinking I will give it a go but not carry on if it's really that bad. Te

OP posts:
SomeAfternoonDelight · 20/08/2019 16:49

Are you going back to collage or starting your own business OP? Is it something to do with caring for animals or people?