To not pay my ex for things I'm never going to use?

[Tafelberg]

I recently split up with my partner (made a thread last week about the fact I'm having to stay living with him for the next few months due to not being able to afford to move out) and he is demanding money from me. We had only moved into the new flat a few days before we broke up (it was my decision). The flat was unfurnished, and he paid for a new bed frame and mattress for what was going to be our room and is now demanding that I pay him half for both of these, as he bought them on the understanding we would jointly pay for them. However, I have only slept in that bed four or five times and am obviously never going to do so again, so I don't feel I should have to pay him for them - what do you all think?

Added to this is the fact that while I was staying with family after we broke up, my bike was stolen from our porch, which my ex has been leaving unlocked since I left (I always used to lock the porch when I lived there). The bike wasn't locked up, which is my fault, I know, but my ex had brought it over from the old flat in his car and I'd just assumed he would have locked it back up as I'd given him the key for the lock to move it. When I asked my ex where my bike had gone, he said he assumed I'd taken it when I went to stay with my family. When I told him I hadn't and that the porch door had been unlocked so it had clearly been stolen, he admitted he'd been leaving the porch unlocked, but said it was my fault for not locking my bike.

I realise the above all sounds ridiculously petty but just wanted to give some context. My bike was expensive - even if we took joint responsibility for its theft, that would mean my ex owes me £250 which is around the amount he's asking for for the bed. I don't know what to do. He's an angry person and I know he's not going to like me trying to use that as justification not to pay for the bed. Part of me thinks I should just pay him so he doesn't make my life even more hellish for the next few months I have to carry on living with him.

YABU. Why didn’t you say something before you moved rather than 5 days after. Why don’t you suggest taking over the lease, even if that means finding a flat mate, and he can find somewhere else now, then you can pay him for the bed and keep it. Why does he have to do anything when YOU decided you didn’t want the relationship AFTER you agreed to move

He gets to keep the bed, if you pay half for it, you need to get your half ! could he chop it in half ?
He would have bought a bed anyway surely ?
Or assuming the bed will last for 10 years, you work out how many pence that is for 5 days use, & give it to him.

He is responsible for not locking up your bike. (he had the key)
I would say he actually owes you money

For those saying "Why wait until you've just moved to split up?"

Abusive relationships are incredibly difficult to get out of - on average a woman makes 7 attempts before she actually leaves. It's a matter of screwing up courage, physical and emotional - when you get the impetus, you grab it. Who knows what has stimulated the OP to gain the courage at that moment. But something did, and she is now in a dreadful position.

OP I agree with others that if he intends to keep this bed, he pays for it. Report your bike stolen and claim the insurance - but don't replace it until you have left that place.

Personally I would take the offered loans, but that is entirely your choice.

what i would do -

Send written notice to the landlord that you are moving out on X date and will pay your share of rent directly to them until then.
Inform them that ex-bf will be the main tenant and therefore responsible for all costs as of X date.
Tell them you want your name removed from the tenancy as of X date.

Find a new place and get yourself registered asap for the Council tax (with 25% single person discount) and on the electoral roll.

What to watch out for -
As long as your name is on the tenancy you can/will be held jointly liable for rent/arrears.
However.....if they chase you for any payments after X date and didn't remove your name from the tenancy, you can use your CT/elec roll as proof of when you 'officially' started living elsewhere and dispute any costs.

How they manage the tenancy from X date is between them and the ex-bf.
They can easily cancel the current tenancy and start a new one just in his name.....if he's names as the 'lead' tenant on this one then all they need to do is take your name off.
This doesn't have to be your problem.

Take the money from your family and stay with your mum, instead of giving him £750pm, give it to your mum to pay her back. Time to swallow your pride and let your mum help you, she wants you safe. This will only get worse if you stay there with him. Your mum won’t be worse off if you’re repaying her every month.

OP hasn't shafted her ex; he ramped up his abusive, argumentative, controlling behaviour after they signed the lease. It happens. And he appears to be enjoying tormenting her and making her stay for as long as he can.

For example, he was going to buy the bed anyway! He just wants her to pay for it.

OP wasn't strong enough to recognise she needed to run sooner.

Honestly. MN sucks sometimes.

A friend of mine was put in a similar position by his ex-girlfriend. Buying a house she wanted something large, in a particular place. He went along with it and stretched himself financially to please her. Then she didn't like the bathroom so they had to borrow a large sum to put in the designer bathroom she wanted. Three months after moving in she decided she wanted to split up, moved away and refused to pay for anything more because she wasn't living there. She royally shafted him and three years later he is still struggling. He had to sell his car to get by and has now a couple of lodgers to pay the bills.

I'm sure she could tell a lot about things he has said and done, but even so she is responsible for her own behaviour and I think there is no excuse for being so self-centred and self-serving.

You agreed when you bought the bed that you would pay half. So that is what you do.

OP, if you are determined to stick it out out some misguided sense of guilt, then tell him you'll have the spare room until you leave. His kids can bunk in with him as they'd been doing in your previous accommodation anyway. Not a hardship as they're used to it, and they can put up with it for a few more months.

Don't negotiate. Just tell him that's how it will be if you have to stay through the end of the year. Or he can take over the lease now on his own, as you both know he can do it. He just doesn't want to.

@sonjadog without wanting to be rude, please read the full thread and the one I’ve linked to. That isn’t remotely the same as my situation. For a start, I wasn’t the one insisting on a two-bed or an expensive lease - both those things were choices made by my ex that I went along with in the misguided belief that he could afford the rent on his own if we broke up, as he’d told me.

@Bookworm4 I’d love to stay with my mum but she lives too far away from my work and has only a tiny flat herself with no spare room. I can’t take her money. She needs it more than me and it would take me a long time to repay.

@SavingSpaces2019 thanks. I’ve notified the landlord that I’ll be moving out on the agreed date in December which is when my ex has said he will take over the lease. I don’t feel I can change the date to any earlier now as I think my ex will pursue me through court for the money.

@SchadenfreudePersonified and @INeedAFlerken, thank you. I haven’t really wanted to get into the details of why I chose to leave when I did but maybe it would be helpful. We had a huge row about a month before this one which was just before we were due to move in. We were on holiday abroad at the time. My ex said some awful, awful things (using things about my family history that I’d told him in confidence against me) and I was adamant that was it and the relationship was over.

However because we were abroad and by ourselves I was weak and vulnerable. Over the next couple of days he begged and pleaded, saying he would do anything to make things better and make me stay. I tried to stick to my guns but got worn down. However, I had made my decision that if it ever got that bad again I would leave, for good.

When we got back I did think about calling off the move but it was such short notice I was worried neither of us would find other places and people were due to move into our old flat so I decided to go ahead with it. He had seemed so adamant things would be different and I naively thought once we were in our new flat things would be better. I struggled to get back to normal with him as he’d hurt me and damaged my trust and this made it hard to be intimate etc but I tried and tried. I couldn’t possibly have foreseen that it would happen again so soon after our move, but it did. I know I could have given him yet another chance but I was trying to finally stick to the boundaries I’d set myself. Plus, I genuinely believed he would be able to afford the rent on his own - as he had told me he could previously.

I can't help but feel it may just be me.

His behaviour is not your fault. It's not your doing or your fault or you overreacting or being weak. I think it's important you hear that even if you don't feel able to accept it yet.

You should not have been in a position where you needed to stand up to him, so the fact that you feel you didn't do a good enough job of standing up to him is neither here nor there. If you had been "tougher" he would have been more abusive.

You did your best in bad circumstances of his creation. Ending the relationship under such pressure has been a very brave thing to do. Give yourself credit.

I'm really glad you're getting counselling sorted for yourself. I hope it helps you feel able to be a bit kinder and fairer to yourself.

He is planning to stay in the flat, and I don't believe he would have bought a single bed if he'd know OP was leaving. He's keeping the bed, it is reasonable he pays for it. A bed isn't usually a big expense, anyway.

I don’t feel I can change the date to any earlier now as I think my ex will pursue me through court for the money
That's the fear tactic he's using to keep you in line and he'll make you dance the puppet dance til you leave.

Think about it logically - he would need to take you to the Small Claims court, pay the court fee to have it heard - and then represent himself.
YOU would be able to dispute it all the way.
IF he was awarded costs - he would have to follow procedure re getting you to pay up (reminders/letters etc).

Only after a certain time limit (and in extreme circumstances) - and having exhausted all other options - will he have the option to use bailiffs/enforcers to go to your home and take goods to the value of X (to be sold to get 'his' money back).....and even then he would have to pay them upfront.

Can you tell i've been there?

He's just using fear tactics on you - don't give in to them.

Tafelburg

You have been through a lot, and unfortunately still have quite a way to go - but the end is in sight.

Be as kind to yourself as you can - this is NOT your fault. On the contrary. You have summoned the strength to end an abusive and demeaning relationship. I hope you have friends who can offer you support - ``i` know your family is there for you, but you may need someone who is physically close to you.

I agree with a PP that the second bedroom should be yours and his kids can buck up with him for a few months. It will give him something else to throw at you, but TBH, you are in a lose-lose situation with this tosser anyway. He will find some excuse to be unpleasant no matter what you say or do.

I couldn’t possibly have foreseen that it would happen again so soon after our move, but it did

For a person to throw personal/family information in someone's face is abusive, at any time and/or under any circumstances. For this alone you needn't feel you have to pay him for half the bed. And based on what SavingSpaces says I'd also move out right now. Your decision, but I wouldn't stay one second more than I had to in your situation.

Frankly, I'd consider a 'midnight flit' since he'll probably kick off no matter when you leave. Since he knows you're leaving at some point, I'd start packing up right now and getting stuff out of the house (if someone will store it for you) as 'getting ready' and then move out as soon as possible when he's out of the flat.

@minibroncs @SchadenfreudePersonified @AcrossthePond55 thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging replies. It took an immense amount of courage to tell him it was over and to stick to it. Especially as despite all the horrible stuff, there was so much that was good about the relationship and I miss the person he was and that side of it all terribly, in amongst all the other stress and misery and guilt and unhappiness and worry that I'm feeling as well. So to read empathetic and supportive replies from people on here really does mean a lot.

@SavingSpaces2019 thank you too for your practical advice - I'm sorry you've had to go through a similar experience but this is really helpful. I am going to try it for a little while longer and see what happens when we have to talk about this money. He's said he will discuss it with me "when I'm ready". I just need to summon the courage. Last night, while I was in the flat with him, I was thinking again that I might just pay it all to keep the peace while I'm living there but reading back over this thread again today I'm swaying more towards not doing so.