To not pay my ex for things I'm never going to use?

[Tafelberg]

I recently split up with my partner (made a thread last week about the fact I'm having to stay living with him for the next few months due to not being able to afford to move out) and he is demanding money from me. We had only moved into the new flat a few days before we broke up (it was my decision). The flat was unfurnished, and he paid for a new bed frame and mattress for what was going to be our room and is now demanding that I pay him half for both of these, as he bought them on the understanding we would jointly pay for them. However, I have only slept in that bed four or five times and am obviously never going to do so again, so I don't feel I should have to pay him for them - what do you all think?

Added to this is the fact that while I was staying with family after we broke up, my bike was stolen from our porch, which my ex has been leaving unlocked since I left (I always used to lock the porch when I lived there). The bike wasn't locked up, which is my fault, I know, but my ex had brought it over from the old flat in his car and I'd just assumed he would have locked it back up as I'd given him the key for the lock to move it. When I asked my ex where my bike had gone, he said he assumed I'd taken it when I went to stay with my family. When I told him I hadn't and that the porch door had been unlocked so it had clearly been stolen, he admitted he'd been leaving the porch unlocked, but said it was my fault for not locking my bike.

I realise the above all sounds ridiculously petty but just wanted to give some context. My bike was expensive - even if we took joint responsibility for its theft, that would mean my ex owes me £250 which is around the amount he's asking for for the bed. I don't know what to do. He's an angry person and I know he's not going to like me trying to use that as justification not to pay for the bed. Part of me thinks I should just pay him so he doesn't make my life even more hellish for the next few months I have to carry on living with him.

YANBU - forget the bike, it;s gone. But if he's keeping the bed then he has to pay for the bed...

I would take the family money too and leave, you can pay them back on a payment plan and put this one down to experience. He's being a knob cos you dumped him.

And if he has a spare room he can rent that out for ££. You need to move out and move on. This is all unfortunate but just the way it is...

Why can't you just leave, it will be an awful situation for his kids when they stay.
Just go and leave him to it.

He can't get someone else in, subletting isn't allowed in our contract and he needs the second room for when the kids stay.

It does say this in my previous thread - but I've told him I will make sure I'm not around for the times the children are there. I don't want to upset or unsettle them in any way if I can help it.

Can you contact the landlord, explain your situation, ask how much you need to forfeit to get off the lease and get the hell out? Whether your ex can afford the flat after that is not your concern.

Hi @Tafelberg I remember your last thread I really hope that you change your mind about the money but if not I hope that your not still going to be moving out each time his DC comes round.
You really need to make this as hard as possible on him until he stops playing games with you .
Stay strong and don't blame yourself for his behaviour

@Tafelberg it's not your problem - there is always a way out of contracts early - you may just lose the deposit - walk away and tell him you will not be paying the rent anymore and that you are moving out - suggest you end the tenancy early and he can find a new place to rent for himself and his kids!!

Oh, op, I'm glad you've updated to try and set people straight, but ultimately the relationship ended because he was abusing you... And this is a continuation of that abuse. Do you still not feel able to label it that?

Because it would be so much easier for people to be useful to you if you gave them that info.

He's been abusing you and now he's extending that into financial abuse to trap you and punish you.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid about the situation you're in? They should be able to give you advice on where you stand with getting away from him with the lease etc without being afraid of him pursuing you through county court.

Just because he wasn't as bad as your previous ex (though he seems to have made a valiant effort to match him towards the end of the relationship and since) does not mean you can't ask for help from organisations who are there precisely to help someone in your situation.

His begging and pleading/cold financial comments every time you tried to call things off, followed by a worsening of his behaviour when you took him back, are all part of the cycle of abuse.

He has been abusing you. I'm sorry. It actually concerns me that you're still staying in the same flat as him given how rapidly things escalated. What do you think will happen when he realises you definitely are leaving at the end of the lease if you stick it out that long? I'm not convinced he'll wave you off lightly.

You can speak to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. Please don't feel you can't call them for help getting free of him. They are there for you too.

Did you get a place on the Freedom Programme in the end?

Sorry OP but you both sound very stupid and naive to be signing up to a long term agreement when you have been arguing.

Move out. You can rent a room in my area for £200 a month through air BNB. I suggest you look into doing the same.

You made commitments here to fund half the cost of the flat and the furniture and the move. You have to live up to those commitments and no it isn’t fair for your parents to have to bail you out. But that is your ask of them not his. You got yourself into this and you have to accept your role in it.

You are currently using the bed that is solely his and this should be recognised too.

In your shoes I would offer to in part make good some of his losses. I suggest you forgo your share of the deposit in lieu of the costs and inconvenience. On this basis I would ask to be released from the lease so he and I could move on.

The bike is your loss

NB, arguments take two people and if this convolution is typical it would be unsurprising you both argued a lot. Sometimes you have to accept liability for your decisions and actions. That often costs and if you take money off your parents then you should pay it back.

@Drum2018 I've spoken to the landlord, he's said it's for us to sort out between ourselves. He did say he'd consider ending the tenancy early if we wanted to both move out, but my ex has said it could take much longer than 3 months to find new tenants even if he didn't want to stay in the flat, which he does.

Thanks @Stressedout10. I am sticking to my plan for now, a lot of my friends and family have said I can stay with them on the weekends he has the DC, so at least I have those options. I don't want to make this harder for him, despite how this thread may be coming across - I know this is a shit situation for us both and really am not trying to deliberately make it worse than it already is.

You’ve fucking shafted him! Why wait until after signing the lease to dump him?

You need to speak with the LL about an early exit.

op just MOVE OUT.The your ex will find a solution that gets him out of it quicker - at the moment he has no need to change and he sounds like he's being an arse to you too. He won't get better, this will only get worse.
And you;re paying for a place you are trying to avoid for various reasons.

Leave. Sort the rest later. The agreement will say that if one of you leaves the other is responsible for paying so once you;re gone he'll motivate himself a bit better.

Well then tell the landlord you want to end the lease and your ex will just have to move out. That's not your problem. Stop feeling sorry for him and stop giving him and his kids consideration. You cannot be forced to stay with an abusive ex. If @minibroncs has it correct then it's a good idea to contact womens aid for advice.

hmga90 where can you rent an air bnb for £200 a month?

I've been offered money from my family to cover the cost of my rent because they're worried about how he's going to be with me but I've declined it

Well, you've kind of shot yourself in the foot there. Why not take the money and move out?

he needs the second room for when the kids stay

His kids? Well, he'd need a 2-bed place anyway there, wouldn't he, whether you're there or not. SoI don't think it's fair expecting you to stay and pay.

even if he didn't want to stay in the flat, which he does

He can afford the bed and would have bought the same one if he'd been on his own, he earns far more than me

In that case, he's talking bollocks about not being able to afford it by himself. What magically happens in December that means he can afford it then? I think he's just trying to make your life difficult.

For everyone making snide comments about why did you sign the lease when you'd been arguing: I did something very similar years ago. It was in the HOPE that things would be better in a bigger/nicer flat.

Would I do it again? No. But you live and learn. No point just piling on and making the OP feel even worse than she already does.

@minibroncs your post nearly made me cry. Thank you. I'm wondering how you know about my previous ex though - is that through my first post on Mumsnet?

I haven't done the Freedom Programme, no, but I am getting some counselling sorted out for myself and I will definitely think about speaking to Womensaid. I'm still hesitant to describe it as abuse because I feel like other people would have been able to stand up to him better than I did, tell him off, make him change...I can't help but feel it may just be me. Having said that, I know he got counselling for his anger/temper while he was with his ex (his DC's mum) - he has offered to do that again if I will stay with him, and to stop drinking, but I can't help thinking if the counselling didn't work first time around, why would it this time? And I can't ask him to stop drinking. He needs to do that for himself and I can't see that ever happening.

@LemonTT without wanting to be pedantic, I didn't ask my family for money. They offered and I have said firmly no, many times. Even if I did take it, I would obviously be paying it back, but I'm not taking it because it's my mess and I don't want any more debt. Also, I'm not using the bed currently. I used it for a few days when we first moved in and haven't since and won't again.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy thank you, you are spot on with a lot of what you're saying. I have shot myself in the foot but it's because I don't want to be saddled with even more debt over this and don't want them having to pay for my mistakes.

You're also right about the two-bed place. His DC used to sleep in our room with us in the old place which was hard for me and not fair on them as they're getting older. We wouldn't have needed a two-bed were it not for that.

I don't know what's changing in December. I do know he's due a substantial bonus this month so wondering if it's something to do with that but I'm not sure. I think he's trying to make my life difficult as well and to be honest I've just decided to suck it up because I feel bad for having broken up with him even though his behaviour is the reason I did it.

I’ve been in his shoes in this. My ex and I moved in together, bought new furniture for the place (I paid, he was going to pay me back) and then decided after three weeks that he didn’t want to live there (we had relocated) and that he was moving back to his home town to live with a friend.
It ruined me financially. I was tied into an expensive lease that I wouldn’t otherwise have taken on for a year (of course he was liable for half but my dad was his guarantor!), and I had used all my savings on the furniture that he was supposed to pay half of.
It took me a couple of years to get back on track.

Move out now, even if it means renting a room somewhere temporarily. Just get out.

And tell him that the bike balances out with the bed.

I would report it stolen as well, btw, esp if you have insurance. Perhaps get some money back there.

And why I agree the ex might be furious that she broke up with him so quickly after they moved in together and he bought a bed, that doesn't mean she owes him for half of it if he's keeping it. And for all we know, breaking up was necessary ... perhaps the flags didn't show until she'd signed on the dotted line and crossed the threshhold of the door ... plenty of people don't show their true colours until they've got their partner under their roof/control ... or so they think. I say power to the OP for knowing it wasn't right and not trying to stay for the wrong reasons (such as they just moved in, they just bought a bed, etc).

but my ex has said it could take much longer than 3 months to find new tenants even if he didn't want to stay in the flat, which he does.

That's a VERY long time to find new tenants!
What makes him say that? How long had the flat been empty before you both took it on?
You could speak to the landlord and ask him how long it usually takes to get new tenants.
It would probably be best to reach an agreement with the landlord that you both give up the flat as soon as suitable new tenants can be found. This way, you should get your deposit back.
However, it sounds as though he intends to stay living in the flat regardless, and surely he would want two bedrooms anyway if he has his children regularly. If this is the case, you could move out straight away and just forego your portion of the deposit.
Forget the bike, and move on. Don't move in with anyone else until you're absolutely sure it is a viable relationship.

Again, had the genders been reversed then I think that the replies would be totally different, such is the hypocrisy regularly on display.

He chose to buy a new bed and is presumably going to keep said new bed so of course you shouldn’t pay a thing towards it.

The bike was your fault really, you should have either locked it up or taken it with you.

If you knew (or were seriously contemplating) that you were going to break with him before you moved and he bought the bed 'in good faith' then unless the breakup was due to his behaviour (cheating, abuse, etc) you allowed him to enter into the purchase knowing that he would be 'stuck' with the bill. That's really not fair, IMO. But if the breakup was due to his behaviour, then fuck it I say. Let him pay.

As far as the lease, I'm in the US so don't know UK rules. Here either party is 'stuck' for the rent on a joint lease. My niece's ex-fiancé skipped out on their jointly leased flat and under the contract she was now liable for the full rent. The landlord wasn't obligated to try to collect the ex's half from the ex and if she wanted to recoup, she'd have had to take him to court. Luckily, it was a popular building and her landlord was easily able to find another tenant so allowed her to break the lease. She did have to pay one extra month's rent on an empty flat whilst the landlord did repairs and decorating before the new tenant moved in. So again, only if he is abusive or a cheat AND if you won't be chased down for your share of the rent, just leave. Let him find a roommate. IF, however, the breakup doesn't involve abuse or cheating, then you should meet your obligations.