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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to live in NYC

37 replies

Missuspissy · 20/08/2019 10:20

Recently split up from long term partner(10 years) we have 3 children who we share custody of.
I can’t get out of my head that I want to live in NY. I love it there. I dream about it every night and wake up heartbroken that it wasn’t real! I’m going back for a few days next year but I want to be there all the time.
The ex won’t be happy about this and will undoubtedly stop me from taking the DC.
Im hitting 40 in the next few years and it scares me that I’ll never get to fulfil this dream.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 20/08/2019 10:24

Do you mean Manhattan, or anywhere in NYC? Have you ever been past the tourist trail?

Are you very wealthy?

I'm wondering if your dream is based in reality.

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/08/2019 10:25

Achieving your dream might be harder than you think. You’ll need a lot of cash and moving to the states isn’t easy.

EntirelyAnonymised · 20/08/2019 10:26

YANBU, it is a fabulous city to visit but incredibly expensive to live in and the employment laws aren’t particularly single parent friendly over there. Healthcare and education are very expensive (obviously housing is too). You’d need to be a very high earner indeed to comfortably support yourself and three dependants in such an expensive city and then your work life balance might be such that you rarely saw your children. Then there’s the actual getting of a visa to emigrate...

Nice fantasy but the reality is very different.

ssd · 20/08/2019 10:27

This reply has been deleted

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bridgetreilly · 20/08/2019 10:27

Start looking up the US immigration system. That'll give you the sharp dose of reality check you seem to need.

Youngandfree · 20/08/2019 10:27

First of all Are you from the US??

EntirelyAnonymised · 20/08/2019 10:28

When I say YANBU, I mean YANBU to daydream about it. It’s a fun daydream. However, YA(probably)BU at almost 40 and a single parent of 3 children to think that it is a realistic idea.

sackrifice · 20/08/2019 10:30

Have you spent time in NYC in the winter?

I mean, proper winter. When your ears freeze before you cross the road outside where you are staying.

I love NY but the summers are too hot, the winters are too cold [and I'm from Canada] and only the Spring and Fall are really doable in my opinion.

Youngandfree · 20/08/2019 10:33

If the answer is yes then you may already know all of this, and if the answer is no then

  1. You need to apply for a work/ residence visa for you and your children... that takes time and money.
  2. Education in NY is not like education in the UK (I’m presuming are uk based) US education is better when you go private and that again costs A LOT of money.
  3. If you mean NY CITY then again to live in a nice part you will need A LOT of money. 2k a month would barely get you a two bed apartment in a good area with good schools. But if you want to live in the ghetto...go ahead.
  4. Medical cover for you and 3 dc in USA will be astronomical!
So all in all you will need a lot of money. If you have that then go ahead! Live the dream.
fairhairedfairy · 20/08/2019 10:40

The USA is a horrible country now. I wouldn't even visit anymore, let alone move there. Trump, guns, the healthcare system, cops killing black people, women's rights regressing, the death penalty... it's grim.

The UK is bad enough tbh. I'd love to live in Germany or the Netherlands.

Blueoasis · 20/08/2019 11:30

Well you can't, can you? You can't take his children to another country and expect him to be happy about it.

It's never going to happen until they are grown up. But visiting a place and actually living there are two very different things. It's so expensive there, could you even afford it by yourself?

stopgap · 20/08/2019 12:01

I lived in NYC (various parts of Manhattan) for 12 years. This was before children. With three children, living in Manhattan, or parts of Brooklyn, you will need:

Lots of money.
Lots of money.
Lots of money.

You could always live in a near suburb, but I suspect this isn’t really what you have in mind.

QueenofallIsee · 20/08/2019 12:04

I suspect that this is a reaction to approaching a milestone and the end of a relationship, when you are overwhelmed it is easy to fixate on something that you think will ‘fix’ how dissatisfied you are.

You cannot move to New York with no money, 3 kids and no skills that an employer might want to sponsor you for. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. Please focus on getting through this big life change and then you can reevaluate

user1473878824 · 20/08/2019 12:04

You share custody of your children. Would you really take them away from their dad? Never mind would he be happy. Would your children?

Arnoldthecat · 20/08/2019 12:07

The biggest blocker might be your immigration and residency status but i presume you have this covered. The USA is a great country, very diverse in so many ways. There are lots of places id love to live in the USA but realistically, going to live in a foreign country is a world away from visiting there on holiday.

Herocomplex · 20/08/2019 12:12

It’s lovely to have dreams about what you want. Pp’s are pointing out all the cold hard facts, but I think you’ve just been through a period of that with your split. What are you dreaming about exactly? Living where no one knows you? A fresh start? Excitement?
Think about what you’re looking for. It’s good to have ambitions!

Tighnabruaich · 20/08/2019 12:13

What job do you do? Do you know if there are employment opportunities in your field? Have you even checked out the immigration process? You're not unreasonable to dream, but if you don't have the nitty gritty practicalities, then it will remain a dream.

HollowTalk · 20/08/2019 12:19

I think this is just a sliding doors thing, isn't it? You can see an alternate lifestyle that you might have led. You do know, though, that it's impossible now, don't you?

bellinisurge · 20/08/2019 12:27

My relatively wealthy NY cousin can not afford to live in the city she loves in a reasonable degree of comfort . She's not a luxe life kinda person.
I have other relatives who are younger and live and work in NYC but they live the way young single people live.
Do you have loads of money?

Yeahnahmum · 20/08/2019 12:28

This is not a dream
This is a nightmare!
A logistical one
A custody one
A messy one...

This might have been the dream pre kids
But mostly it is now your "dream" because you want to escape it all.

This is not a dream op. This is a nightmare

Stompythedinosaur · 20/08/2019 12:29

I would say that this dream is probably something you sacrificed when you had dc. It is not reasonable to prioritise it over your dc being able to see both their parents.

Is it something you could pursue when you are older?

mindutopia · 20/08/2019 12:30

I used to live in New York and it was wonderful...in my carefree single childfree 20s. There’s lots of reasons I don’t live there now that I’ve settled down and have children.

Beyond the immigration issues, the main thing I would consider is if your career would provide the sort of salary that could afford housing in NYC and if you could afford private school. For a 3 bedroom, you would be looking at at least $3000-3500 per month.

The quality of public schools in the city is hit and miss. There are some amazing ones (that work much like grammar schools and children must take an admissions test), but realistically you’d need to cough up for private school fees. They are very expensive! Unless you are a very high earner or have a sizeable inheritance, it would be hard to afford on one persons salary. And then there’s the $500-1500 a month you’ll need to pay for health insurance for 3 of you too.

I would save it for fun and travel, even though I genuinely enjoyed the years I spent there.

managedmis · 20/08/2019 12:31

Me too!

joyfullittlehippo · 20/08/2019 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1473878824 · 20/08/2019 12:35

Everyone saying it was do-able: is this the advice you'd give to the OP's ex if he was trying to take her children thousands of miles away?