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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have told DP I won't be spoken to like this?

36 replies

DoomandGloomed · 19/08/2019 23:26

Context: we've been together 1.5 years, have a very jokey way with each other, lots of teasing etc but there have been a few occasions when it's felt like DP has used this banter type dynamic to be straight up mean to me.

Once such incident was tonight in front of our (combined) DC when we were playing a guessing type board game and he basically called me a greedy pig for eating some sweets we were all sharing. It was related to the game but was far more heavy handed and personal than the rest of the chat. It's like he uses the cover of having a laugh to get a dig in at me and humiliate me.

I left the table and got my DC ready for bed and then went to bed to read. He came in ages later and asked if I was ok. I said I wasn't. Explained that I felt he had behaved in an incredibly mean-spirited way and that I wouldn't be spoken to like that in front of my DCh. I also said I just didn't get how he could be so unpleasant to someone he purports to love. I would never say anything nasty to him just to get a laugh.

His response: Sorry and he wasn't being personal. That's it.

Now he's snoring next to me 🙄😞.

He has lots of good points and yesterday I would've said we were in a really good place but now my head is fried. I am sensitive about my weight (have gained a bit lately) so am now second guessing myself, did I overreact?

AIBU?

OP posts:

jollyhollyhocks · 19/08/2019 23:29

It's hard to say without a bit more information. What did he actually say in what context?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 19/08/2019 23:37

Tricky one. Dp and I slag each other in a teasing/loving way but we know it’s good natured- but- sometimes I’ll say something/he’ll say something that hits a nerve at that moment in time (funnily enough quite often about weight!).

I’ve learned to just say ‘that’s too far darling’ and he will drop it and say sorry. If you have that jocular way of speaking to each other sometimes you will overstep the mark. Suppose you just have to ask yourself did he get the joke wrong and take it too far, or was he deliberately being cruel?

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2019 23:40

I suppose it depends on the other few occasions.

What did he say then?

Original poster

DoomandGloomed · 19/08/2019 23:46

Worra When we were first going out I got really nervous about meeting a group of his friends on a night out and got quite pissed and a bit embarrassing.

Nothing bad but he 100% knew how mortified I was afterwards and then he brought it up in front of other people a few weeks later in a really piss-taking way and I was so humiliated. When I said something he acted like I was being oversensitive. Then I got the same minimal apology (which felt more like a non-apology tbh).

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 20/08/2019 00:35

To be honest with the scant information I’d say YABU.

As PP said that constant piss-taking can easily cross a line accidentally.

I think you need to address it at the time and deal with it fast rather than let it fester.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 00:51

Sorry and he wasn't being personal

Translation:
"I can give it out, but can't be held account to it.
The personal insults I give you are ... not 'personal'.
I don't want to hear you. Put up & shut up.
Sorry not sorry."

dollydaydream114 · 20/08/2019 00:53

I think it really depends on exactly what he said and what the usual level of jokey insults are between you.

Sometimes people are just a bit clumsy in that sort of teasing and go a bit too far without realising it. And if you both have the sort of teasing type of dynamic between you, it's possible you've touched, or will touch, a nerve with him at some point too. But there isn't really enough to go on in your post to say whether YABU or not.

He did say sorry, too, so I'm not sure what else you wanted. Perhaps the next time you could have a more serious conversation and explain that you were really hurt and it just went a bit too far? I think it would help to understand a bit more about the situation.

If you believe he genuinely does actively want to hurt and humiliate you, rather than just accidentally going too far without realising it, then I think there is quite a problem in your relationship. People who get a kick out of upsetting their partner don't generally just stop when asked - it's horrible, bullying behaviour. But if he's just accidentally clueless about when he's said too much, you can probably have a proper talk about reining it in a bit.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 00:55

If Bananas' method works for you -

I’ve learned to just say ‘that’s too far darling’ and he will drop it and say sorry

then you can likely chalk it up to experience & move on, so long as you feel he means the 'sorry' part.

If it doesn't - then yes, like your early pub visit example, he is humiliating you, then blaming you for 'over-sensitivity' when he doesn't want to take responsibility for doing it.
That's a classic dick move, watch for it.

isitjanuary · 20/08/2019 03:51

He humiliated you in front of other people? He knows what he's doing op. And he's not sorry.

Upsiedasie · 20/08/2019 03:58

I think it depends on what exactly he said. Can you tell us? It’s a bit difficult at the moment to tell whether you’re not being a bit sensitive.

Mothership4two · 20/08/2019 05:44

Difficult to say as there's not a lot to go on, but if I am reading you right, he sounds passive aggressive. From what you say OP, he seems to do this a lot. Rather than being straight, he is being 'jokey', so that if you react you are being oversensitive but he has got his point across. Personally, I would have reacted at the time but in a way sensitive to your dc being there. I think going off and being quiet (again reading between the lines) so that he has to come and ask you what's wrong isn't going to be productive. I think passive aggression is one of the most difficult things to live with - I speak from experience! You have to tread a fine line between sticking up for yourself without becoming the bad guy and/or turning every conversation into a battlefield. Good luck!

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2019 05:49

It is tricky to say without knowing what he actually said.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 05:52

It doesn't really seem like he's joking. He's being mean to you and then claiming it's just a joke. Not nice

Monty27 · 20/08/2019 05:54

Either he's deliberately humiliating you or you are sensitive.
Is he perfect?

fatgirlslimmer · 20/08/2019 06:17

It’s so easy to accidentally over step the mark with this funny torment banter whatever people call it. It’s hard to know what can be joked about and what can’t. It’s also easy to use it as a cover for more deliberate insults. Unless the insults become a habit or pattern then it probably is you being sensitive about your weight or your alcohol consumption.

To engage in this type of jokey way you need to be able to say stop that’s going to far, and do it at the time, not later.

pictish · 20/08/2019 06:26

It’s hard to say without knowing the exact scenario, I’m afraid.

pictish · 20/08/2019 06:35

I mean, you say yourself that your relationship is ‘jokey’ with ‘banter’ - so you know, there’s going to be a very fine line between funny and rude isn’t there?

Personally I am not attracted to men with ‘banter’ because they’re usually utter arseholes that like to bully and take the piss out those who they perceive aren’t a threat to them. It seems to be a method of maintaining dominance with the added extra of their target feeling unable to complain because it’s ‘just a joke’.

Many a cruelty is meted out as ‘banter’ imo.

I don’t know if your boyfriend is one of those twats or not.

KatherineJaneway · 20/08/2019 06:40

His response: Sorry and he wasn't being personal.

Of course he was. He doesn't like the fact you've gained weight and is using this 'jokey manner' to make a point. Same as your over indulgence due to nervousness, it pissed him right off so he uses 'jokes' to make his point, probably as that's how he has learnt to confront things rather than q calm conversation.

I couldn't be with someone like this.

itsmecathycomehome · 20/08/2019 06:47

As pp have said, it's easy to get it wrong sometimes when you have this sort of dynamic.

Presumably he makes lots of other digs and comments that don't bother you at all, and you do the same to him? Have you never said anything that has touched a nerve with him, said something in front of friends that he'd wished you hadn't?

If those are your best two examples from a whole relationship, then I personally couldn't get too worked up about it and would probably just address it at the time. When he was telling people about you getting drunk I'd have said something immediately.

itsmecathycomehome · 20/08/2019 06:51

"Of course he was. He doesn't like the fact you've gained weight and is using this 'jokey manner' to make a point."

It's not personal if he'd have said the same to anyone. OP said the 'fat pig' comment was related to the game after all.

OP, if you don't like this type of 'banter' that can always easily tip over into 'mean' then you're with the wrong person I suspect.

iMatter · 20/08/2019 06:55

My dad did this. Still does sometimes but I don't see him much.

I hate it.

He makes jokes at my expense and humiliates me in front of friends and family and others

One of his favourites is to recount embarrassing stories from my childhood in front of people to undermine my successes.

If I challenge him he says it's a joke, he's only teasing etc and then we get the whole "Can"t you take a joke?" bullshit with a really nasty

It made me feel like shit growing up and it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. It's his way of keeping me in my place.

It's really shitty behaviour and is 100% personal.

DrDreReturns · 20/08/2019 06:55

@pictish I find that people who dish out banter are not very good at taking it. Some colleagues at work almost came to blows due to that type of thing - a jokey person really didn't like it when someone started taking the piss out of him.

iMatter · 20/08/2019 06:56

Agree 100% with @pictish

Absolutely spot on and put much better than my ramblings!

BuckingFrolics · 20/08/2019 07:06

Are you sure you're not being over sensitive - we can all react defensively if someone touches something we already feel bad about ourselves for.

You say you have put on weight yet you were eating the sweets - were you already feeling "guilty"?

You say you got pissed up and behaved (badly in some way, I can't remember exactly) - were you already feeling "guilty"?

Mind you, it all depends on tone and intention so feel free to ignore my input of course as he may just be abit mean sometimes. No one is perfect. Sulking in bed isn't great either tbh.

BuckingFrolics · 20/08/2019 07:08

Plus, have you never said anything stupid or that you wished you hadn't, or had someone take offence at something you said? Why do we expect perfection from others yet let ourselves off our own mistakes/stupidity?

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