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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the best age gap between kids?

33 replies

EmbarrassingMama · 19/08/2019 19:55

I know, I know - there isn’t a “right” time, but we’re clueless.

I’m an only child, my husband is an only child and so far, our DC is an only child.

We’d like to have another (probably just one more), but I don’t know what a “good” age gap is? DC is 14 months old.

Advice from the experienced needed!

OP posts:

caroloro · 19/08/2019 20:40

There's pros and cons to each and every gap, and of course some things don't work out as planned. I planned for, and have, five years between mine. Pros....eldest really understood the fact of a new baby, and has always been really helpful. They are not competitive with one another and rarely squabble. Cons.....days out are hard because they're at such different stages, friendship groups are completely separate.

PooWillyBumBum · 19/08/2019 20:55

There were 4 years in between my sister and I and we fought like cats and dogs as it was close enough for that but far enough that we didn’t relate well to each other.

The best sibling relationships I’ve seen - anecdotally - are closer to 2 years.

namby · 19/08/2019 21:03

I don't care what anyone says THE best age gap is 3 years, never seen this disproven 😂 elder one is (generally) potty trained, sleeping, communicative, self-entertaining, and most importantly getting their 15/30 free hours. Old enough to understand mum feeding baby, young enough for it to be early enough not to rock their worlds too much. Far enough apart to not be too exhausting for you, close enough they can be play mates. Far enough you've recovered from birth, feeding, 2 year olds, close enough it doesn't feel like starting all over again. In the later years you don't have them doing exams at the same time and you don't have university living costs at the same time, as one finishes as the other starts. I grew up with this gap and have this gap, it's the best I'm telling you ha.

Pepperwand · 19/08/2019 21:03

I can only speak from personal experience but there is just over 2 years between mine and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cons: very hard work with them both being so little. The older one doesn't really understand that they can't pick up or jump on the baby, two in nursery at the same time is ridiculously expensive.

Pros: they are close in age so hopefully will have common interests and be good playmates. The older one doesn't really remember a time from before having a sibling so no jealousy issues. We only wanted two so gets the baby stage and very expensive childcare years over and done with.

Heratnumber7 · 19/08/2019 21:04

18 mths between my two and it's perfect.

Everythingmagnolia · 19/08/2019 21:05

I have 3 years between mine and its the best for the same reasons namby said

IamPickleRick · 19/08/2019 21:05

Not 14 months. It’s killing me.

Fireinthegrate · 19/08/2019 21:07

2yrs 5mths between my girls. They are in early 20’s now and have always been best friends and they do alot together.

I wish they had been a bit closer age gap but it was right at the time.

Oneborneverydecade · 19/08/2019 21:07

We have a 5 year gap and then a six year gap. I really wouldn't recommend it. The only upside is that with the older one/ones at school you're like a ftm at home during the day. Mostly I feel like my brain is fried by having 3 completely different sets of needs

Letthemysterybe · 19/08/2019 21:10

I agree that 3 is the magic number.

bestbeforedateexpired · 19/08/2019 21:10

18 months between my two and it’s perfect. We are on holiday at the moment and I can here them laughing conspiratorially. Girl and boy and they totally understand each other.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 19/08/2019 21:10

I just said on another thread I wish mine were closer in age! They are 3.5 years apart. It's great when the baby is born, but now (5 & 1) it's a nightmare as the baby is just poddling about looking at bricks and the five year old is way more sophisticated. That being said, a smaller gap would also be hard, just in different ways as PPs have pointed out.

Emmapeeler · 19/08/2019 21:12

3 years here. It’s great.

Most people I know have a similar gap meaning I could go through the tough bits with others.

Mrsbclinton · 19/08/2019 21:12

I have two year gap between DC 1 & 2 then 3 year gap between DC2 & DC3.

Three year gap is way easier than 2 year in my case. Child is potty trained so you dont have two in nappies and a three year old is a lot more independent than a two year old.

hidinginthenightgarden · 19/08/2019 21:14

3 years between ours and sometimes I struggle with the fact that most activities cater for one but not the other. For that reason I would say closer together is better.

Emmabryant123 · 19/08/2019 21:16

My daughter is 3.5 years old and we are just TTC number two now.
Would of ideally had closer age Gap but wasn't ready for another until now

Onemorecrisp · 19/08/2019 21:16

Agree with 3yrs

daisypond · 19/08/2019 21:18

Mine are 21 months apart. They are great friends and are now young adults. They played together as children, and holidays and activities were always suitable for them.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/08/2019 21:19

Three was pretty good for a long time for the reasons said above.

It’s hard now (9 and 6) as they seem to bicker constantly. Also with a girl and a boy and 3 years between them they never seem to have the same activity at the same sort of time. I’m trying to take to swimming and tennis at opposites sides of the city at the same time.

Namenic · 19/08/2019 21:21

We have a 3 year gap. Worked well with me and brothers. We just about got 1 out of nappies as the other one arrived. They didn’t play that much together but are starting to interact more (I suspect they will as the little one develops).

MissConductUS · 19/08/2019 21:24

22 months worked really well for us. Close enough for them to get on well and play together and it minimized the number of years we were changing nappies. We were planning for a three year gap but things happen.

MuchTooTired · 19/08/2019 21:26

There’s 4 minutes between mine 😂

There’s about 34 months between me and my sister, we get on like a house on fire, and always have. I’d ideally like a similar age gap between my DTs and any further dc, but mr.tootired isn’t as keen on having another, think he’s scared it’ll be triplets next time!

troppibambini · 19/08/2019 21:26

I would say around three years too.
Not 13 months like my last two that was not good!

BertieBotts · 19/08/2019 21:26

No such thing. I'd calculate what would be the largest gap you'd be happy with, in terms of having left baby things behind and having to go back to it, having DC at separate schools, different interests etc, and the smallest gap you'd be happy with (in terms of independence of older one, needing to share baby equipment rather than hand it down, cost of nursery) etc.

Minus 9 months from each and you'll see the span of time you'd be potentially TTC during. Think about how long it took to TTC DC1, double that, add six months if you're still breastfeeding, factor in potential miscarriage (loses you about 3-4 months) and consider a period of not-really-trying in the beginning if you want less pressure, and then you can just leave it to chance.

There's a book by Sarah Ockwell Smith called The Second Child Book which talks about different age gaps which is supposed to be quite good.

Ithinkmycatisevil · 19/08/2019 21:26

I’d say 2-4 years is good.

Mine are three years apart, they’re close enough to be company for each other, but I never had two babies, which is what I wanted.

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