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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was rude, but WIBU?

75 replies

Brittany2019 · 19/08/2019 18:13

The measles thread has reminded me of this...

A few months ago, I was taking a plane home with my DD to see my mother who had terminal cancer. There was a woman with a toddler in front of us, covered in spots. The toddler was running around, putting his hands all over everything as toddlers do.

I asked the Mum (quite rudely, I admit, but I was really stressed) “Is that chickenpox he has?”
“Yes”, says the Mum. There was a long pause, with me trying to find a way to say something that wasn’t “Wtf, you selfish arsehole?” After what seemed like an eternity, she added “but he’s had it for 10 days now, so isn’t contagious anymore.” So....fine, hopefully.

My AIBU is this...was I wrong to ask her about it? (Although I absolutely could have and should have asked in a nicer way.) The spots didn’t look scabbed over at all, tbh, so I had no idea how long the child was poxy for. WSBU to bring her poxy child on a plane and not think that some people might be freaking out about it for valid reasons? What should one do in this scenario?

Also, if the mother is on here, I’m sorry I was so rude.

OP posts:
TiredOldTable · 19/08/2019 20:10

Travel insurance would cover cancellation for chicken pox.

Not if already there. My DD got chicken pox on holiday and our 2 different insurance companies were vey clear that they would pay for her to stay with 1 parent but not for everyone to stay (new flights only- no accommodation as with family)

It was Amex and I think HSBC (it was a while ago).

We got a fit to fly. No-one asked about it at all on 2 flights home and she was very spotty.

LemonPrism · 19/08/2019 20:26

No you were right to ask - I'm an adult who's never had chicken pox. Nice of her to risk my time away/life.

Original poster
Brittany2019 · 19/08/2019 20:27

Well, see @TiredOldTable, if you had encountered my sister and he dc on that flight, she also wouldn’t have asked you about it, because she’s very British that way. Instead, she would have worried and fretted all during the flight and for quite some time afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brittany2019 · 19/08/2019 20:29

Sorry, @TiredOldTable, I’ve just understood your point now.

OP posts:
growingfrenchlavender · 19/08/2019 20:29

‘Hi there, sorry to ask you but is your little boy suffering with chicken pox? My mum is very ill with cancer, that’s why I’m asking. Hope he’s okay!’

See, not that hard is it Hmm

Hepburn17 · 19/08/2019 20:30

I would agree with other people who have said the child would need a fit to fly cert from a Dr and I'm fairly sure airline staff seeing a spotty kid would have known to check. I don't think you were unreasonable to ask at all, if you felt you were rude as you say then I wouldn't be too hard on yourself unless you had unleashed some kind of verbal abuse on the mum, you were in a stressful situation yourself and you might find that the mum of said child probably understood your concerns.
Non contagious or not, I personally would not have allowed my child with chickenpox to be wandering on a flight as you don't know for certain if the 'pox' even at a late stage couldn't affect a pregnant woman or immunosupressed person.

Summerunderway · 19/08/2019 20:36

On a flight back years ago I was bf dd as we took off and noticed spots appearing! I felt guilty but it was too late to tell anyone. I covered her throughout the flight and requested we exited first. Can't imagine I would have dared with full spots!

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2019 20:40

You say the spots weren’t scabbed over. In my experience 10 days is a long time to have it and no scabbing. If you were concerned the child was still contagious, you could have contacted the cabin crew. I expect you didn’t think about it.

Original poster
Brittany2019 · 19/08/2019 20:40

Thank you for your tips on how to be breezy and nonchalant when someone you love is weeks away from dying, @growingfrenchlavender. I’ll be sure to remember them next time.

OP posts:
growingfrenchlavender · 19/08/2019 20:43

Brittany, I have been there twice now with my own parents and it’s really hard, it’s the worst, but trust me on this, life carries on as normal. Kindness is never wrong and it’s a huge cliche on MN but you have no idea what demons the woman might have been facing herself.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 19/08/2019 20:46

there's already a place in hell for parents who dragged their kids around when they have bad colds, or D&V , so chicken pox?

I would have said something. It wouldn't make any difference for that selfish idiot, but I would have said it anyway.

You read threads like that all the time: I paid for my holiday, kids are sick, but I am still going, how do I hide D&V or chickenpox at check-in and boarding. Twats.

Original poster
Brittany2019 · 19/08/2019 20:49

@growingfrenchlavender Nope, sorry, life doesn’t carry on as normal and you are way off the mark.

OP posts:
TigerDroveAgain · 19/08/2019 20:54

I think you’re overthinking this. It happened months ago and you did nothing wrong by asking. And the woman has probably completely forgotten it - let it go, not worth the worry.

Aquickquestionforyou · 19/08/2019 21:05

I agree with @tigerdroveagain - you actually weren’t that rude in my opinion. I’m not sure why people are beating on you on the thread. I’m a mother to a young child and I would absolutely have anticipated the question. I actually had this with a colleague who had shingles when I was pregnant - my parents couldn’t remember if I’d ever had the pox as a child so I had to ask her for more details, it was no drama at all.

growingfrenchlavender · 19/08/2019 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aquickquestionforyou · 19/08/2019 21:08

Oh and also. Your mother has terminal cancer. This is a tiny, insignificant speck in the cosmos compared to that. You have earned your glass of wine and slab of chocolate in my opinion op Wine Cake

Aquickquestionforyou · 19/08/2019 21:10

I think that’s enough now @growingfrenchlavender

Singinginshower · 19/08/2019 21:11

Agree that you are overthinking this OP. Nothing wrong with asking the question, especially in the circumstances you were in.

saraclara · 19/08/2019 21:11

@growingfrenchlavender Nope, sorry, life doesn’t carry on as normal and you are way off the mark

I was travelling to my days away from death father (by train) when someone walked up to my seat with a clipboard, said he was doing a survey, and asked if I was travelling for business or pleasure. I was stunned, didn't know what to say, and yes, I'm afraid I was rude before I burst into tears in front of him. Fortunately he was lovely about it, and insisted on bringing me a cup of tea from the buffet.

I would never have spoken to anyone like I did, under normal circumstances. I simply wasn't 'me' in those couple of days.

dollydaydream114 · 19/08/2019 21:13

What, you think the whole world will stop because your mum has cancer?

@growingfrenchlavender What the bloody hell is wrong with you? Go and recharge your empathy chip, you spiteful old ghoul.

growingfrenchlavender · 19/08/2019 21:15

I am not being spiteful.

It is a sad fact but a true one that the world will not stop.

Life carries on and part of life is relating to others in a reasonable manner.

growingfrenchlavender · 19/08/2019 21:19

OP, this isn’t as personal for me as it appears to be for you. I think you were extremely rude to a mum struggling with an unwell child and there were numerous polite ways of asking the same question. That’s my only point. Of course it is very sad about your mum, but for all you know the lady with the toddler could have been going through something similar, which is why kindness matters. I’m sorry you don’t like this message but well, you did ask.

Both my parents are dead. Both times you find people are initially supportive but then very soon get caught up in the minutiae of their own lives and can’t offer you help.

Original poster
Brittany2019 · 19/08/2019 21:22

Thank you for your kindness, @Aquickquestionforyou.

@growingfrenchlavender I said my mum had terminal cancer. She died a few weeks ago. Yes, I could have been nicer to that woman, yes, it would not have been hard, but I was handling the imminent death of my mother at the time which meant I wasn’t at my best. I’ve said in my op that I was rude, I’ve apologized for my rudeness in my op...what more do you want?

OP posts:
Sparkyduchess · 19/08/2019 21:23

As someone who has been hospitalised because of a child whose parents thought they were oh-so-crafty by covering their child’s chicken poxy arms and legs to get on a plane, you weren’t wrong.

I’m immunosuppressed, and while I understand how disappointing it must be to have to cancel plans, leaving my son without a mother would’ve been a bigger deal imo.

saraclara · 19/08/2019 21:24

Both my parents are dead. Both times you find people are initially supportive but then very soon get caught up in the minutiae of their own lives and can’t offer you help.

What's this got to do with the price of fish?

The OP has said many times that she was rude and regrets it. And even though we know that life goes on at these times, it doesn't mean that we always have the headspace to deal with it. I was almost brought to my knees by a checkout girl asking me if I had anything nice planned today, the day before my husband died. I'd nipped out from nursing him for ten minutes while my daughter cared for him. My brain couldn't come up with an answer to the girl's question. I hope I wasn't actively rude, but it was some time before I could mumble "not really", and I couldn't look at her before almost running away.

Obviously I'm a very bad person.