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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Crying over ex in front of new boyfriend

54 replies

SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:39

Been with new boyfriend about 2 months (very early days but i am currently so happy). We are both 24.
I broke up.with ex in Januaryish time this year after 4 years together after he was very unstable emotionally.

Anyway, we went for a night out with friends saturday night and it was all going well - we were all quite drunk. We went to a club and an old friend was there. This old friend used to go to house parties with my ex. She asked if i was still with him.and i said no and she told me she was really happy i wasnt with him anymore.

Anyway, i introduced her to my new boyfriend.
About 15 minutes after my best friend and old friend asked me if i wanted to go outside for a bit, so off we went.

My best friend told me i needed to hear something and then my old friend proceeded to tell me about the times my ex cheated on me in these house parties.
I told them i didnt want to hear any of it and my best friend said I need to hear it.
I started getting tearful - a mix of drunkness and hurt.
The conversation lasted about 45 minutes.
I then went to the toilet to freshen up and my old friend came with me and i was about 20-25 mins in the toilet.

I left and there was about half an hour of the night left with new boyfriend and i told him i was fine.

Anyways we left to walk home to his and he snapped that I left him most of the night. This led to me breaking down and telling him everything i heard.tonight.
Whilst drunk, i highlighted i wasnt crying over my ex but crying that i had so much trust in him and it was broken. And i was crying whilst saying i didnt need to hear any of it and i dont get why they've told me on a night out.

He dealt with it really well. He hugged me, kissed me. But when we got home he said he wondered if i was ready for a new relationship.
I told him I am, and that it was just the shock and hurt that brought this on and that i havent cried about my ex in months.

We were fine the next morning, very hungover and we discussed things and he said he was a bit annoyed at first with me but he's over it now. And we had a lovely day together.

I'm just a bit worried that it's going to play on new boyfriends head that im not over ex, when i am!!
I adore this man and I really dont want to ruin things with him

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 19/08/2019 17:42

I can see why he’s said that tbh, although I think anyone would cry if they suddenly found out about all this shit on a night out! Was your friend trying to ruin the evening?

All you can do is reassure him it was the betrayal rather than it specifically being your ex that upset you. That and the booze I mean.

ElizaPancakes · 19/08/2019 17:42

(Also before anyone says it, I think he has a right to be annoyed you left him for ages, he didn’t know the reason and he dealt with it well when he found out).

Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:44

Whilst walking home and crying, i wondered to him too why my friend wanted me so bad to hear it then and there, and not in the morning or something.
I like to see the good in people, and hope she had good intentions but i dont get why they needed to tell me why i was drunk.

If i heard now, i wouldnt cry. But i basically heard about every time i've been cheated on and that he was telling girls he was single whilst with me, it hurt

OP posts:
Sandybval · 19/08/2019 17:44

I think the booze didn't help. I guess imagine how you would feel if he had done the same, left you for a large chunk of the night and then cried telling you it was because of some things you'd heard about his ex. I don't think you were being unreasonable by the way, but it's easy to see why he might be feeling that way a bit. But sounds like he dealt with it okay and I'd try not to worry.

Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:44

I shouldnt have left him long i know,
Drunken night outs.make things so much worse -.- not drinking again for agesss

OP posts:
Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:48

When we discussed it the next day, I told him i understood why he would think that but i reassured him that it was a reaction to hurt and betrayal rather than my ex himself.

I was also not happy with my friend when i got home that night and sobered up a bit.
I was telling him that I hope this doesnt ruin us because i genuinly felt i didnt really do anything wrong but react to quite an upsetting thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:48

We had a great start to the night and i am usually such a happy drunk!

OP posts:
tmh88 · 19/08/2019 17:49

To be honest I wouldn’t take what your “friends” have said as gospel. Seems bizarre they have waited 8 months to tell you about your ex and did it when they bumped in to you drunk with a new partner! Did either of your friends know your new boyfriend? Just wondering as one of my friends did something similar told a friend a load of horrible things to try get in between her new relationship so she could have him! Have to say I lost all respect for her and we don’t speak at all now!

Kitsandkids · 19/08/2019 17:51

So your friends waited until you were happy in a new relationship to tell you about your cheating ex? A real friend would have told you at the time of his cheating so you could have ditched him a lot sooner!

Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:51

Both my friends have boyfriends and the old friend i hadnt seen in ages!
My best friend is amazing with me and has been there throughout the breakup and i dont think she was doing it maliciously, but she does hate my ex boyfriend so im wondering if she did it to make me realise how horrible ex actually was but it was just bad timing

OP posts:
Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:53

@kidsandkits
My guess is that my old friend and best friend were speaking about it for the 20 minutes and it would have been the first time my best friend heard about the cheating so her drunken mind probably thought it would be a great time to tell me

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 19/08/2019 17:53

Maybe stop getting drunk?

Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:54

I hardly drink.
Saturday was the first time.i had drunk in about 4 months. New boyfriend's idea after watching the football

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 19/08/2019 17:57

I guess she thought you were over him so wouldn't be bothered Hmm

But of course regardless of that finding that type of shit out is humiliating/ embarrassing especially if you had no idea at all that the relationship you thought you had was a lie.

Thanksand let's hope the new one is better, if he can't see how that would make you feel he could do with some life lessons but assuming he's early 20s as well I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

lifeinthedeep · 19/08/2019 17:57

If be furious that my friend knew that my ex was cheating on me and didn’t think to inform me at the time.

RelaisBlu · 19/08/2019 18:03

I don't think much of your friends

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/08/2019 18:05

I agree, old friend has told best friend there and then, I don't think bf has been keeping anything from you. And as for why they told you there and then - booze loves drama, doesn't it? I've had a very similar thing happen to me twice (once about my ex, once about a BF's ex). It's all drama llama over the vodka...

I'd go see your boyfriend, apologise profusely once more, then go and do something nice. Don't dwell on it, he'll think you're thinking about the ex. Bright and breezy and business as usual.

Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 18:05

@teateaandmoretea
You summed it up pretty well.
Maybe my friend didnt think i'd be bothered, but being told to go outside and finding out all this was hurtful and i was embarrassed i didnt know!

I'm more bothered about new boyfriend now than ex, i don't want to ruin things with him

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 19/08/2019 18:07

I would put it past you now but not be surprised if new BF needs some reassurance in the coming weeks

Out of order for your friends to tell you like that

dollydaydream114 · 19/08/2019 18:12

Your friends were awful to choose a night out to break that news to you and I can see why you cried, especially when you’d had a bit to drink. I can also see why your new boyfriend was a bit miffed when you disappeared for 25 minutes and why he wondered if you were ready for a new relationship. However, it sounds as if you reassured him and he really is over it, so I don’t think you need to worry.

Happysummer2020 · 19/08/2019 18:12

Sounds like your friends love a drama. Wait until an alcohol fueled night to tell you something so sensitive, making a big 'you need to come outside to hear this' scene.

Couldn't it have waited for a more appropriate and calm moment ? After all they'd waited 8 months by this point..

onanothertrain · 19/08/2019 18:25

So after 15 minutes in club you left your new boyfriend for an hour and 10 minutes and came back greeting over your ex?
I'm not surprised he snapped at you. I'd be pissed off as well. Maybe he's right and you're not ready for another relationship.

icedgem85 · 19/08/2019 18:30

Why the hell did your friends do that?? I would question if they’re your friends at all. There was no reason to tell you - nothing could be gained from it since you’ve already moved on.

Justgivemesomepeace · 19/08/2019 18:32

Your friends had known for ages and chose last night to tell you. It could have waited. I would have told them its neither the time nor the place and gone back in to new boyfriend. If i was him would have left after about 20 mins.
Sounds like they just enjoy the drama and were well out of order.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 19/08/2019 18:39

Your friends are total dicks for not telling you about the cheating at the time.