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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Crying over ex in front of new boyfriend

54 replies

SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 17:39

Been with new boyfriend about 2 months (very early days but i am currently so happy). We are both 24.
I broke up.with ex in Januaryish time this year after 4 years together after he was very unstable emotionally.

Anyway, we went for a night out with friends saturday night and it was all going well - we were all quite drunk. We went to a club and an old friend was there. This old friend used to go to house parties with my ex. She asked if i was still with him.and i said no and she told me she was really happy i wasnt with him anymore.

Anyway, i introduced her to my new boyfriend.
About 15 minutes after my best friend and old friend asked me if i wanted to go outside for a bit, so off we went.

My best friend told me i needed to hear something and then my old friend proceeded to tell me about the times my ex cheated on me in these house parties.
I told them i didnt want to hear any of it and my best friend said I need to hear it.
I started getting tearful - a mix of drunkness and hurt.
The conversation lasted about 45 minutes.
I then went to the toilet to freshen up and my old friend came with me and i was about 20-25 mins in the toilet.

I left and there was about half an hour of the night left with new boyfriend and i told him i was fine.

Anyways we left to walk home to his and he snapped that I left him most of the night. This led to me breaking down and telling him everything i heard.tonight.
Whilst drunk, i highlighted i wasnt crying over my ex but crying that i had so much trust in him and it was broken. And i was crying whilst saying i didnt need to hear any of it and i dont get why they've told me on a night out.

He dealt with it really well. He hugged me, kissed me. But when we got home he said he wondered if i was ready for a new relationship.
I told him I am, and that it was just the shock and hurt that brought this on and that i havent cried about my ex in months.

We were fine the next morning, very hungover and we discussed things and he said he was a bit annoyed at first with me but he's over it now. And we had a lovely day together.

I'm just a bit worried that it's going to play on new boyfriends head that im not over ex, when i am!!
I adore this man and I really dont want to ruin things with him

OP posts:
Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 18:48

My boyfriend wasnt left completely on his own btw, he was with another male friend;
I really care for him and I'm sure we've all made drunken mistakes;
I know for the future now

OP posts:
Cinammoncake · 19/08/2019 18:51

Don't repeat the performance but move on OP. If your boyfriend likes you then hopefully he'll understand and you can put it behind you. Out of order for your friends to pick then to tell you though. Are they jealous maybe of your happy new relationship? They don't sound especially kind.

Icecreamsoda99 · 19/08/2019 19:01

I would have cried too, and for me it be partly a feeling of humiliation/embarrassment that others knew before you did! Hopefully it be something you and lovely new boyfriend laugh about in a year or two! SmileFlowers

Evilmorty · 19/08/2019 19:05

What a shit way to tell you, what a shit day to tell you.

Shit friends.

MrsBertBibby · 19/08/2019 19:07

Those are some shit friends you have. I would be keeping them at arm's length.

Teateaandmoretea · 19/08/2019 19:17

I'm more bothered about new boyfriend now than ex, i don't want to ruin things with him

But bear in mind he isn't winning any prizes for sensitivity.....

I think you need (as he is young and inexperienced in life) to carefully explain why you were upset. I'm a lot older than you so to me it's pretty bloody obvious.

If he won't engage/ try to see your POV then he is unlikely to be a keeper in my opinion.

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 19:36

Don’t let anyone put you in that position again! Drunk or not! Be firm and walk away! Nobody has the right to dredge up your past like that, especially when you’re out with your new guy!

Cut that ‘friend’ off completely! She sounds like a shit stirrer!

Dieu · 19/08/2019 21:47

Sorry, but you wouldn't see me for dust if a bloke left me on a night out, and then started crying over an ex. Particularly if we'd been going out for only 2 months.

Original poster
SuchACryer · 19/08/2019 21:52

But i didnt start crying over the ex for no reason?
We were in the same club the whole night;
I didnt start the drama, i was having a happy, fun night and i was pulled aside.

I am human, i have emotions and like.mentioned previously, even when drunk it wasnt as if i was saying to my boyfriend that i still love.my ex blah de blah,
I told him that i just feel really hurt that.I never knew.

I'm glad my new boyfriend understood. Yesterday.morning, he gave me a hug and said he can see why i was upset and that he was more upset about seeing me cry. And he highlighted that in the future i can tell him anything.

OP posts:
Happysummer2020 · 19/08/2019 23:31

He sounds lovely. Give those friends a wide berth and let your relationship develop without their interference for now.

Polydactyly · 19/08/2019 23:36

It doesn’t mean you’re not over your ex. Anyone would be hurt at being cheated on. Even if you don’t love someone, the reason it hurts is because it makes you feel like you aren’t good enough and knocks your confidence like that.

Nomoremilk · 19/08/2019 23:38

This sounds so immature and embarrassing.

WhyBirdStop · 19/08/2019 23:47

If my best friend saw/heard of my boyfriend cheating on me at a party she would've told me then. Not years/months later when I had split from that person and was out with my new partner, it all seems very odd.

Original poster
SuchACryer · 20/08/2019 00:04

Just to clear any confusion:
It wasnt my best friend who saw him cheat; she found out the other night like me from the old friend, who i hadnt seen in a year

OP posts:
messolini9 · 20/08/2019 01:10

I told them i didnt want to hear any of it and my best friend said I need to hear it.

I'm interested as to why your "best friend" felt you NEEDED to hear all that shit at all, given that your relationship with your ex finished 7 months ago.

I'm doubly interested why she would choose to do so when you were unaccustomedly pissed, & out on a nice night with your new b/f.

Just a thought ... but looking back, does she have any form for sabotaging people? Spiteful gossip? Relish of others' misfortune?

Sorry I am sounding so disapproving of your friend. But she was at best tactless, & in effect downright disruptive. Who would do that to a friend they care about?

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 01:15

I'm glad my new boyfriend understood. Yesterday.morning, he gave me a hug and said he can see why i was upset and that he was more upset about seeing me cry. And he highlighted that in the future i can tell him anything.

Good.
If you feel any residual nervousness/embarrassment about what happened, make sure you explain how you hadn't had a drink for a good while & got pretty pissed. I know you've already explained it was the shock, not upset about the actual EX ... but as he mentioned concern for whether you are ready for a relationship, you could possibly acknowledge that by offering to go a little more slowly so he can adjust to his shock at your shock.

That may give both of you some reassurance, but from what you have posted about him so far he sounds great, & will understand you.

So sorry you had to hear this news so inappropriately.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 01:18

im wondering if she did it to make me realise how horrible ex actually was

& you need to know this irrelevant fact right now because ...?

Her motivation was more about her hatred of him than your feelings. She was not putting you first here.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 01:23

she found out the other night like me from the old friend, who i hadnt seen in a year

Still no excuse to choose the one rare night when you wre drunk to tell you, OP. And to do so when you are on a happy night out with new b/f is ... selfish in the extreme. If not undermining & sabotaging.

Original poster
SuchACryer · 20/08/2019 01:35

I said a similar thing when i was drunk in boyfriends bed when we got home,
Something along slurred lines of
"Please don't hate me for this, i dont get what i've done wrong. I dont get why i've been told all this tonight when i'm drunk"

I dont know what my friends intentions were but looking back im a bit annoyed that i actually only had half an hour of dancing because they decided to tell me all this irrelevant stuff and almost cause my new relationship to be strained -.- (luckily he's lovely and caring)

OP posts:
Original poster
SuchACryer · 20/08/2019 01:36

I think if my relationship wouldve been ruined by this, i would have struggled to forgive my friend

OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 20/08/2019 01:37

You're over the shock now. Don't let the subject even enter your thoughts. Don't mention it unless asked. Don't dwell on the past, just look to the future.

Original poster
SuchACryer · 20/08/2019 01:38

I'm not going to bring it up to him,
I'll only mention it if he does,
As far as im concerned me and my ex are completely finished - no kids, no attachments- so there's no reason for my ex's name to even be in my life

OP posts:
itswinetime · 20/08/2019 01:42

Your 'friends' were dicks! You have moved on and were happy I can't see how hearing your ex's wrongs would help the situation! Even if they genuinely thought you needed to know in order to move on! There is a time and place this wasn't it! Your boyfriend took it well in my opinion I would focus on moving forward and not get hung up on this one night! Your 'friends' I would question their motives and reevaluate things! Unless my friend was taking about or missing an ex while out with a new bloke I would see no reason to drop that information there and then! Even if I felt as I knew I had to say something surely it could wait till a time you weren't out with your new boyfriend! Seems to me like maybe instead of your best interests they had drama on their mind? You know they but personally I would have massive doubts about my 'friends after this!

Happysummer2020 · 20/08/2019 01:43

Let it go now - you've sorted it with your bf

Don't read anymore posts and no more analysing. Move on and good luck. Wink

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 01:44

I think if my relationship wouldve been ruined by this, i would have struggled to forgive my friend

& it could well have been, except you appear to have earned yourself a keeper with this one :)

However - if you look at the intentions, rather than the outcome, I would be struggling with forgiveness anyway. Maybe 'forgiveness' is harsh but I'd be examining her motivations & previous treatment of others' sore spots, & wondering how good a chum she really was.

Only you can know how good a friend she is - & we can all misjudge, blurt out pissed stuff etc - but the fact that she chose to make such a production out of it (you HAD to go outside with her! You HAD to hear it - NOW!) brings out my inner cynic.

And it's still hard to get past the fact of a friend who will arbitrarily ruin your evening, rather than waiting for a better moment. Hearing this over a pot of tea in your own home with a comforting, sober friend & WITHOUT new b/f would have been much easier on you.