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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worst case scenario on MN

40 replies

shithappens123 · 19/08/2019 16:53

Pretty much on a daily basis there are women (and men) who suspect that their partner is spending time with a member of the opposite sex.

The OP who it seems is looking for reassurance that it’s quite normal for men and women to be friends and that they are being paranoid... instead this is what usually happens:

LTB he is having an affair
LTB is he probably going to have an affair
LTB remember that time in 2004 when you caught him wanking to a lady gaga video

Nobody really knows what they would do in that position and the advice on here seems very black or white (of course you get the posters who offer genuine empathy)

AIBU to suggest that a lot of advice on here is not the best?

OP posts:
StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 16:57

Most posts also include an array of red flags (messages,lies,changes in behaviour,extra protective of their phone all of the sudden etc) .

Very rarely it's DH and Mary have been hanging out. Is he cheating? Followed by LTB.

Most posters will ask clarifying questions,examples of behaviour,extra detail before going for LTB.

ShimmeringWaffle · 19/08/2019 17:01

YANBU

Also, i think your husband is definitely cheating on you. im so so sorry

Original poster
shithappens123 · 19/08/2019 17:05

ShimmeringWaffle 😂😂 well he did forget to put the rubbish out lol

OP posts:
tmh88 · 19/08/2019 17:06

I think it with everything on here sometimes 🤣 “my MIL brought DS a toy round she thought he would like that use to be his dads” MN response “I’d go low contact she’s trying to take your role as mother”

“DH was 7 minutes late home from work tonight is he having an affair?”
MN response
“Jesus op don’t know how to tell you this but if it’s not an affair there’s a reason he’s prolonging coming home”

CassianAndor · 19/08/2019 17:07

maybe that's because so many women on MN have suffered at the hands of a cheating partner?

After all, the OP will know her partner best and so will know if these 'friendships' are cause for concern or not. The fact that (for example) my DH predominately has female friends and always has doesn't mean the OP, in her situation, is wrong to be doubtful.

Zebraaa · 19/08/2019 17:20

Whenever I read these posts it seems like most of the posters here have been in abusive relationships. I don’t think it’s an accurate representation of real life. Just like every posters child seems to have autism. It’s bizarre.

A lot of men I know can be lazy, don’t always think, disorganised etc. Yet on here it’s a crime! Abusive, coercive... etc. Yet if you did a reverse on the scenario from the mans point of view I bet everyone would then stick up for the woman.

BigFatLiar · 19/08/2019 17:21

MN is the home of toxic relationships. If yours isn't someone will soon convince you it is.

dollydaydream114 · 19/08/2019 17:23

After all, the OP will know her partner best and so will know if these 'friendships' are cause for concern or not.

Well ... that's just not necessarily always the case, is it? Some people are just incredibly jealous and paranoid and possessive. There are plenty of people who think it's 'cause for concern' if their partner so much as blinks in the presence of the opposite sex. My ex-DP thought I was having an affair with pretty much every man I ever worked with, even though I wouldn't have dreamed of cheating on him in a million years. But if he'd been a) a woman with a male DP and b) on Mumsnet, and posted with his version of what was happening, literally everyone would have told him to go through my phone and then leave me. Hmm

yikesanddang · 19/08/2019 17:29

so many shit stirrers on MN who bellow 'LTB' at anything. Life is not black and white and if people just left their partners as willy nilly as the shit stirrers suggest, we would be in a terrible state.

cantfindname · 19/08/2019 17:33

The ones that concern me are when there is a problem, be it suspicion of cheating or whatever and the OP says, very strongly, that she loves her partner, doesn't want to leave him and needs to find a way forward.

Within ten to fifteen posts responders have read between the lines and made their own version of events. Next are those who tell her there is no way forward from this (whatever 'this' is) Inevitably the consensus then becomes LTB .

Very few people seem to want to find a way through a problem. Much easier to LTB.

I think it is very sad (says she who was divorced twice)

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 17:38

Well some people are bonkers and they're normally told that. If they're really that paranoid,insecure and controlling then their other half is better off not being in a relationship with them anyways.

Some look for encouragement/permission to leave a relationship and either twist facts or write them in a way meant to be "bad". They should leave anyways in that case.

A lot of the suspicious threads on here ended up with it being an affair . After a while, Even if you don't have personal experience you start to recognise the script.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 19/08/2019 17:39

Agreep OP.

Another common one is 'he's abusive'. DH mentions that he likes chicken salad sandwiches? Well that's obviously a covert dig at wife's special tuna sandwiches and he's trying to gaslight you and make you question everything about your cooking skills and sense of identity. *facepalm

Scotlass123 · 19/08/2019 17:44

Totally agree. Also, I hate how you can’t talk to a male friend without it being an emotional affair. Ridiculous. Some people are just bitter and it shows in their posts.

VenusOfWillendorf · 19/08/2019 17:48

I don't think it's so much MN in general as AIBU in particular.
AIBU does generally run to worst case, and over reaction (to pretty much everything … AIBU to park in a Parent and Child space - YABVVVVU, YOU are the reason children being killed in car parks every day).
But I've also often seen people with genuine issues being directed to Relationships - which DOES offer a huge amount of support and gives a far more rationale response.

soloula · 19/08/2019 17:50

Folk seem to forget (or not care...) that it's real people's lives and their problems that they're posting about, some of which are genuine cries for help. A lot of posts seem to get turned into a soap opera, with everyone egging on the OP for the sake of the drama and damn the consequences...

StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 17:53

I find the sneering a bit in poor taste tbh, especially given there are women posting here every day that are being cheated on,that are being abused,that do have their lives turned upside down.

I do hope you're posting on the ridiculous threads you mention to give a balanced point of view and advice,not just laugh at how ridiculous they all are.

Owlypants · 19/08/2019 17:56

I've noticed this too. I'm afraid to start any threads because i know i'll be told to LTB no matter what i post.

Biancadelrioisback · 19/08/2019 17:57

I've been absolutely slated on here before for saying that I don't believe my DH is having an affair. I didn't post the OP I simply responded and suddenly I was having to defend my marriage to some complete stranger who was adamant that my DH will be cheating on me. All because I said I trusted him. Fortunately after a few back and forths I came to my senses and stopped responding...

ShirleyPhallus · 19/08/2019 17:57

Why are there so many TAATs at the moment? Specifically of the “it must be only me that thinks.... ”

FiercyMacFierceFace · 19/08/2019 18:11

Have NC’d after a post last week, whereby I wanted a little bit of a whinge...and it rapidly turned in to ‘but you really can’t love your husband if that’s your attitude’ - then became a pile on of people who blatantly hadn’t read my original post...and suddenly now I understand why sometimes the OP goes quiet, as by responding to you keep your thread in ‘Active’ and it becomes fair game for the loons!! And ended up with me feeling like telling half the responders to FO you know nowt about my life (all I was looking for was a Wine and maybe a Flowers)

Original poster
shithappens123 · 19/08/2019 19:21

StockTakeFucks What’s poor taste is trying to pressure vulnerable women into making rash decisions.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 19/08/2019 19:54

I agree, often the same posters have the same response no matter what the situation. I scroll down, see the user name and just think FFS here we go.

Bookworm4 · 19/08/2019 19:59

I’m a bit disbelieving when the shouts of Ltb if DH swears at her in an argument, would these people realistically divorce over that? Are they so perfect?

Original poster
shithappens123 · 19/08/2019 20:31

Maybe people are bitter with their own lives and revel in other people’s misery

OP posts:
StockTakeFucks · 19/08/2019 20:43

Or maybe they've just been there,done that,got the tshirt, got the scars,got the police report, got to write the eulogy for their friend or family member,got their bank accounts emptied, lost their homes , saw their "D" H move in and have babies with the "it's just a friend " woman while their own kids are forgotten etc.