AIBU to feel taken advantage of by family?

[Ree101]

My husband and I went to visit family recently. They didn't offer to put us up - which is fine - so we got a hotel and decided to make a short holiday out of it.
They invited us for dinner at their house and we said we'd bring the wine and dessert. When we arrived, I gave them 4 chilled bottles of wine and fizz. We were offered a cup of tea or some squash. They did later open wine but only 1 bottle. I was given 1 glass and it wasn't topped up all night. There was not enough food to go round and it was served 90 mins later than agreed. So, not a great night and I left feeling rather annoyed that they had kept 3 bottles of wine for themselves. They also didn't offer all of the desserts (I bought a selection) so they kept them too. I also gave them foodie gifts as we haven't seen them for a while - a selection of local beers, chutneys etc. and goodie bags of presents for the kids.
The next day they asked if we could look after 2 of their kids for an hour or two while they went to a house viewing. We were taking our daughter to a theme park that day, so we said sure, we'll just take your kids with us. We ended up having their kids for 9 hours because they "lost sight of the time". We paid for their theme park entrance (not a problem - it was our decision to take them there) and a 3 course lunch for them both. On reflection we should have said they could only have main courses - the kids ordered starters and desserts without us prompting them to do so. We also felt obliged to top up their funds in the gift shop because they wanted to buy a souvenir and had only been given a fiver each by their parents for the whole day out. We spent well over £100 on entrance, toys, train fares, food and drink etc.
The next day we arranged to meet in town. We waited and waited and they were an hour late. We then spent much of the afternoon hanging around while their kids played arcade games. We went for a quick drink and a bite to eat and thought they may offer to at least pay for our drinks as a thank you for the previous day but they didn't offer. We don't do nice things for people expecting something in return, but we always like to show gratitude if someone has done us a favour and I suppose we thought they might do too.
I'm aware that they don't have much money and things must be a bit tight for them. My husband and I are well off and they know this - they've made comments our house and about us "doing very well for ourselves" before. So I can't help but wonder if they think it's not an issue to behave in this way because they know we can afford it. I feel our generosity has been taken advantage of and our time has not been respected either. I recognise some of that is down to us - we're easygoing people by nature and I think we need to be less "go with the flow" and be more assertive next time. Lesson learned. Regardless, I can't help feeling pished off and disappointed with their behaviour. AIBU?

I forgot to mention - one of their kids took a box of chocolates from our hotel room. He was not invited to do so. When I asked their mum to check her son's bag for them, she said she did find the chocolates but he denied all knowledge of them. She then made a joke about it. No apology was offered.

What kind of chocolate was it?

YANBU for the wine/desserts.

But I can't believe you let them order a starter!
They should have offered to compensate you for the entrance tickets but the money spent at the theme park isn't the parents fault.

You could have said no to looking after them as you had a day out planned, or said they are welcome to come with us if you pay their ticket.

Yes, they're taking advantage of you. Scale back your very generous approach. Take one bottle of wine & one dessert. Insist the bottle is opened. Don't offer free childcare any more. A firm no that doesn't work for us & end the conversation (or negotiating will ensue as a tactic to get their own way).

That's terrible re. the wine and dessert, I think I'd put it down to poor manners rather than deliberately exploiting you for money, but just don't be as generous with your time and money in future. And don't expect so much from them in future maybe as it will just irk you.

They are family can’t you say something? Weird they didn’t have enough food, but you brought way too much wine! Two bottles would have been fine especially as you are not staying.
I think they do assume you can afford to treat their kids, though it’s not on to lose track of time for a whole day! But why didn’t you call them?
You have been very generous but next time just bring a couple bottles and a few things for the kids - you have gone overboard. And while they could have offered to pay for drinks while out some people are just oblivious.
So yes I believe you were taken advantage of, but you need to speak up and make your expectations clear.

To be honest, with the wine and desserts, it kind of feels like you did it to show them how much money you have.
They don't have much money so probably don't often drink wine with meals - we definitely don't in my house.

Who the hell has a 3 course meal at a theme park? What theme parks even serve 3 course meals?

You let all of these things happen and didn't mention a single one at the time.

When you were eating, you should have said "oh I'll just go and grab the wine for a top up".
When you were at the theme park, you should have said "we're only having mains, kids".
You shouldn't have given them more money for the gift shop.

Why did you even take them to the hotel room?

So you're well off and they're not. Perhaps they felt uncomfortable? Perhaps they thought the wine was a gift? The desserts excessive, too much food to what they're used to?
I think you are being unreasonable. You chose to go to the theme park - that is a full day surely? How can you complain about 9 hours if that was your decision? You failed to manage the eating situation regarding the ordering of food - "no this is just lunch, we're not having 3 courses".
The chocolates is mildly irritating, but kids are. I think you sound quite mean. If you're not happy to give, don't. You clearly have different lives to your relatives. If you didn't enjoy their company, don't make such an effort in future. It's lovely the kids got a day out, but sad that you feel you have been wronged by what you see as poor hosting and a lack of reciprocal generosity

They sound awful.

However, this is family, yes? So why didn't you say "Oy! Can I have another glass of wine please? Don't worry I will pour it myself?" and then pour yourself a nice pint of wine?

What theme park was it that you can get a three course lunch, entrance and gifts for £100?!

Regardless you are right and being taken advantage of.

4 bottles of wine and multiple desserts is a bit OTT unless there are 10 of them or more. Why didnt you say something like "could I have a top up of wine?" Or "are the bottles in the fridge, I'm just going to grab a top up does anyone want some?" Or "ooh I really fancy some of those profiteroles we brought if you dont mind"

With the theme park you could have spoken up and reined in the kids. "Just main courses today kids", "sorry you cant afford that souvenir, how about this?"

People only walk over you if you let them

Please stop letting them treat you like this. Make this the last time.

I think they are taking advantage. But with family or good friends, I would have said 'can we open the red we brought, I've been wanting to try it' and another pudding if I'd wanted one.

I'd have also said to the kids, sorry we should have made it clear we are only doing mains

But they are taking the piss being late etc and not even saying thanks etc

I'd feel horrified if someone bought 4 bottles of wine!!! Its way too much!! Same with deserts. I wouldn't offer all of them in case my kids got hyped up of sugar!! What do you do hand the stuff back??

The rest is also on you I'm afraid. Either
you say "no were busy that day" or you take them. You need to set expectations because you're the Grown up. Both at the restaurant ("mains only kids") and at the gift shop (not today or I'd limit mine to £5 to match). Either you agree contributions before or you only take on what you cant afford. You dont spend in a way you are comfortable with and then resent that someone else can't or doesn't want to spend to your level. That's just not very nice.

4 bottles of wine, AND fizz? How many of you were there, that's a lot!

Why didn't you speak up at the time, about any of this, they are family, not acquaintances you barely know.

Regarding the 9 hours, wouldn't you have spent most of that travelling to/from the theme park, and the time there, anyway? It's a whole day out, not a couple of hours.

Why on earth did you allow the kids to order 3 courses? You were the adults in charge, you don't let kids do whatever they want!

I think you're both to blame. Them for taking advantage, and you for being a mug.

4 bottles of wine? Multiple desserts? Goodie bags?

Totally over the top.
You take wine as a gift, not to drink on the night. You drink whatever the host offers you. You don't complain- it is called good manners.
The only possible mitigation is that you say you agreed wine and dessert in advance but 4 bottles and multiple desserts is OTT and very rude.

I think it's very generous what you took round but I'd just say "oh I'll just get a tip up, anyone else?" They May not usually drink so that might be why they didn't top up...unless they topped up their own glasses and ignored yours!

As for the meal out you could've just said "oh we're just getting mains" and like pps have said just limited yous dds spending money.

I have had this before, I stopped accepting their invites (final straw was one of the children asking me for a very expensive toy and when I said so saying ‘but you have loads of money! Dad says that you have more money than sense’)

I quite enjoyed turning down their Xmas party invitation the following year and them turning a bit white, as I suspected the truckload of stuff that they always asked me to contribute was why they turned it into a big affair. They couldn’t afford the booze without me. Rude bastards

I think you should have said no to looking after their kids.
As for the wine next time take one bottle and go into the kitchen and open it.
I've been robbed off before with the host not opening my wine and giving me cheap wine instead.

They are very lacking in manners, however hell would freeze over before DH and I would sit with an empty wine glass all night after bringing 4 bottles! MIL doesn't drink much and tends to just put wine away and not think to top up but I have no problem going to the fridge and helping myself and offering it to others, also then asking where she's put the other bottles so I can chill the next bottle!

If you enjoy their company and want to see them again just tone it down a bit what you take so it is used and you don't feel resentful.

If you find their food portions a bit meagre compared to what you are used to you can be prepared now with snacks in the hotel room or a takeaway late at night.

The same for meeting if they are always running late - expect that and work around it - e.g. meeting in a pub with play equipment so your kids can play as you wait or whatever suits you.

It would have been polite of them to give you the money for the theme park and food but perhaps they can't afford to - it's a bit of a grey area if you invited them and they would probably expect more burger meal than three course lunch.

The main thing that I do disagree with you about is judging them being given only a fiver for the gift shop and you then topping it up. Everywhere my son goes with school/relatives etc he comes back with a bag of tat for landfill - pencils/rubbers/badges/snap bands - utter rubbish that gets left in the paper bag it came in. We have a paper bag of tat in the kitchen now from relative's treat on holiday. The theme park near us has teddies for £10 that look like they should cost £3. If they are on a tight income it's such a waste.

She should have given the cash that she gave the kids to you to put towards lunch or ice cream.

Did they actually invite you to visit them or did you just tell them you were coming? Because it sounds to me like it was a massively inconvenient time for them, they don't have the budget for entertaining, and in fact, you were being a nuisance. Yes, they could have been more generous with the wine/dessert you took, but other than that, I think you may be the CFs here.

OP you sound just like me...people mistake kindness for weakness though with me but only once! They sound awful.Make this the very last time you open yourself up to such behaviour from them.They were so rude and ill mannered,and I guess they don;t bring much to your life,so leave them to theirs and for heavens sake keep your purse closed in the future as far as they are concerned!

This is probably not how it was intended but it comes accross (to me) like this

*overly generous with Wine, pudding and gifts to show how niceyou are. It's the right thing to bring wine as a gift for the hosts not just for your own consumption.
*family can't compete as not a well off- can barely afford enough dinner to entertain everyone
*you plan to take child on expensive day out, get asked to baby sit, offer to show your generosity by inviting the other children to- then moan that they don't reimberse you for a day out they hadn't budgeted for and you invited them on.

*you failed to be the adult in the situation by telling the children you were only having mains. Judging by past generous behaviour the children are probably used to aunty and uncle spoiling them.

*Your family were under no obligation to pay for your drinks because you chose to take their children on a big day out.

Yes it is always nice to be appreciated and thanked for a nice deed but do you often go over the top and make your family feel inferior (no matter how unintentional)

Yes - you have definitely been taken advantage of and they sound very grabby. Teaching their kids to take whatever they can too. However, it sounds like you are happy to splurge when it suits you, so I would rein it back in. 4 bottles is very OTT to me. I would feel a little embarrassed if someone came to mine with 4. I would think they were making a point that I couldnt supply enough and they had to make up for my lack