AIBU to feel taken advantage of by family?

[Ree101]

My husband and I went to visit family recently. They didn't offer to put us up - which is fine - so we got a hotel and decided to make a short holiday out of it.
They invited us for dinner at their house and we said we'd bring the wine and dessert. When we arrived, I gave them 4 chilled bottles of wine and fizz. We were offered a cup of tea or some squash. They did later open wine but only 1 bottle. I was given 1 glass and it wasn't topped up all night. There was not enough food to go round and it was served 90 mins later than agreed. So, not a great night and I left feeling rather annoyed that they had kept 3 bottles of wine for themselves. They also didn't offer all of the desserts (I bought a selection) so they kept them too. I also gave them foodie gifts as we haven't seen them for a while - a selection of local beers, chutneys etc. and goodie bags of presents for the kids.
The next day they asked if we could look after 2 of their kids for an hour or two while they went to a house viewing. We were taking our daughter to a theme park that day, so we said sure, we'll just take your kids with us. We ended up having their kids for 9 hours because they "lost sight of the time". We paid for their theme park entrance (not a problem - it was our decision to take them there) and a 3 course lunch for them both. On reflection we should have said they could only have main courses - the kids ordered starters and desserts without us prompting them to do so. We also felt obliged to top up their funds in the gift shop because they wanted to buy a souvenir and had only been given a fiver each by their parents for the whole day out. We spent well over £100 on entrance, toys, train fares, food and drink etc.
The next day we arranged to meet in town. We waited and waited and they were an hour late. We then spent much of the afternoon hanging around while their kids played arcade games. We went for a quick drink and a bite to eat and thought they may offer to at least pay for our drinks as a thank you for the previous day but they didn't offer. We don't do nice things for people expecting something in return, but we always like to show gratitude if someone has done us a favour and I suppose we thought they might do too.
I'm aware that they don't have much money and things must be a bit tight for them. My husband and I are well off and they know this - they've made comments our house and about us "doing very well for ourselves" before. So I can't help but wonder if they think it's not an issue to behave in this way because they know we can afford it. I feel our generosity has been taken advantage of and our time has not been respected either. I recognise some of that is down to us - we're easygoing people by nature and I think we need to be less "go with the flow" and be more assertive next time. Lesson learned. Regardless, I can't help feeling pished off and disappointed with their behaviour. AIBU?

Now you know their circumstances and notion of hosting/gratitude are very different to yours what can you do but make sure you never get fleeced again?

Lesson learned. Avoid in future. The money thing alone wouldn't piss me off but the time wasting really would. What were the kids like with you? Did they say please and thank you at all?

I think you’re being a bit unfair, they didn’t ask you to do anything you instigated it all and then complained when they weren’t greatfull enough, it sounds like you’re the rich relative and like to lord it over them.

It sounds like there's fault on both sides to be honest - a lack of communication.
Why would you bring four bottles of wine? Assuming there were four adults, surely two would be normal? Were you expecting to bring some back to your hotel - or to actually drink a bottle each? I mean, that's not a ridiculous thing to assume given you were on holidays, but I don't think it would be the norm. And if you wanted more, then didn't you say so?
For the theme park - I don't know what you mean by the parents losing track of time? Surely a visit to the theme park is a full day out anyway - were you expecting to deliver the two kids to the gates at 2pm or something? I've never had more than take-away style lunch at a theme park - but why on earth would you not say - it's just mains kids - at the point of ordering?
If you've offered to take the kids of family to a theme park, and can afford to treat them, then I certainly would - but if you didn't want to do that then you should have said so ….. "Can you take Tom and Jane for an hour tomorrow" - "Actually, we're out at the theme park tomorrow, we're happy to take them along, if you cover their entries". Just talk to each other!!
There seems to be a lot of built up resentment on your side - from the not offering to put you up, to the not offering to buy your drinks. I think some of that is justified - they should have had enough food, they should have left out the desserts, they should have bought you a round after you'd treated the kids. But you do need to either tell them what you want if they are genuinely oblivious, or else stop offering if you know what they are like, and are not happy about it.

Four bottles of wine is way too much for dinner - that's what I'd bring if we'd been invited to stay! If someone came to dinner armed with that much booze, my first thought would be, yikes, they want to make an evening of it, and my second one would be, are they assuming we don't have anything suitable to drink? And then chutney and beer and presents and multiple puddings on top... Seriously, waaaaay too much, to the point of being almost embarrassing for the recipient (sorry).

They sound like cheeky fuckers!

Me and my friends would bring fizz and 4 bottles of wine to each other's houses tbh! And a selection of desserts, too! So I don't think YABU AT ALL!

I don't top up family glasses - they do their own. perhaps they were expecting you to help yourself? Waiting to be topped up is very formal.

I think it's unreasonable to expect any tit for tat financial contribution re: the day out. This effectively meant the day out was not free for them and they may be so hard up they can't afford drinks. I don't think it's reasonable to offer to take their kids somewhere and then in any way expect a 'thank you' which costs them money. I wonder if you really are aware of just how tight things are for them? Would you want them to buy you drinks if that meant they had to go to a food bank? Or couldn't top up the electricity?