Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU son’s step mother vetting his messages to me

59 replies

Mrsmememe · 19/08/2019 14:58

I’ll keep it brief.
Son is 8 and has an iPad which has messaging function. He only has me, his stepdad (my DH), his dad, his grandmothers numbers on it.
Son was upset after spending a week with his dad and step mum as he said his step mum made him show her all the messages I was sending to my son and his replies. He said she said it was so she could make sure we weren’t saying anything mean about her.
AIBU to think it’s not really her place?

OP posts:

Crybabyghoul · 19/08/2019 15:29

That is weird and also quite emotionally abusive. Nobody should put an eight year old child in that position.

Cherrysoup · 19/08/2019 15:29

Difficult for an 8 year old to tell his step mum no, but your ex needs to tell her. That's extremely paranoid/out of order.

zafferana · 19/08/2019 15:30

Well she's clearly a lovely, classy woman and your ex will no doubt leap to her defence, gallant guy that he is. What a fucking bitch! Your communications with your DS should be private. I'd be livid

AmIAWeed · 19/08/2019 15:32

I dont have the same situation but I do check the messages between my son and his Dad.
My 'Defence' is that his Dad has been known to have some inappropriate behaviour/ views so I very much feel it as a safe guarding issue. His Dad would absolutely think I was in the wrong and intruding.
Could it be that for some reason, right or wrong - the step mum thinks that you are saying inappropriate things?
You say they (step mum and son) don't get on, could she think you are trying to turn him against her and shes looking for evidence?

JamdaniSari · 19/08/2019 15:34

What a home wrecking bitch!

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 15:35

weird and totally unnecessary!

I could understand if they were just making sure he wasn't messaging any strangers but why on earth do either of them need to see his messages to you?!

HugoSpritz · 19/08/2019 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyFi · 19/08/2019 15:38

She has totally violated his privacy and boundaries,and has no legs to stand on at all.

Just gross,no wonder hr was upset.

Your ex needs to manage this very firmly, as she has no right to go on his devices at all. She should flag any worries up to his father or you.

Get him set up with passwords and send clear email for her to stay off your ds device, it is out of bounds. It's all about her by the sounds of it

lmusic87 · 19/08/2019 15:40

Its good he talked to you about it, what a mean woman.

RooKangaroo · 19/08/2019 15:42

If your EX defends her, could you get him to see how unreasonable it is by suggesting your DP (DS's stepdad) starts looking at messages between your DS and your EX from now on? See how he likes it....

(Obviously you shouldn't have to do this)

Jellybeansincognito · 19/08/2019 15:44

My dads ex used to do this to my things and she was deeply controlling.
It worries me what else she’s doing whilst he’s there. Like trying to talk negatively about you etc.

Please don’t let him go there again until you’ve thoroughly dealt with this issue.

AllFourOfThem · 19/08/2019 15:46

YANBU

He said she said it was so she could make sure we weren’t saying anything mean about her.

If true, this would make me question her behaviour and why she felt he would be saying anything about her at all.

SunshineCake · 19/08/2019 15:54

Why are you sending him to a place he's controlled and assaulted?

DishingOutDone · 19/08/2019 16:00

Does your son enjoy seeing his dad? If not, I reckon with the distance and history if it suddenly became difficult to arrange contact, your Ex wouldn't complain.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2019 16:13

Playing devils advocate here but are you sure she wasnt just checking his messages the same way that most adults check children's phones to check they're not speaking to anyone they shouldn't be etc. Or did she actually come out and say she was checking he 'hadn't said anything mean'...it doesnt really sound like an adults phrasing? If you're reasonably sure it happened than YANBU to address it

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2019 16:15

What a cow. That is the same as you wanting to see all her messages between her ds and her.I bet there is some nasty stuff on there about you and your ds. Otherwise why would she want to vet what you and your ds say??!

What happens when her ds hits your ds? Does your ds fight back? Does her ds get consequences? Does your ds get unduly punished?

From this snapshot it sounds as if your ds is living the Cinderella life. I’m just wondering if this is the case or not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2019 16:18

AmIright
Cross post. I hadn’t thought of that. From what op said she is checking up on him. And it’s all the messages unless he’s exaggerating. It’s very simple to ascertain a child only has a certain number of people in his contacts then not need to see messaged again. If she isn’t safeguarding her dss against her ds, I wouldn’t have thought she had these intentions.

OlivesAreGod · 19/08/2019 16:24

I'm all for parents checking children's phones from a safe guarding perspective but this is completely weird and massively overstepping!

YANBU and I usually always like to see things from the SM POV on these threads but can't here!

girlywhirly · 19/08/2019 16:43

What kind of injuries did SM’s son inflict, how severe? Did you document them at all e.g diary, photo’s? Along with the controlling behaviour, I would also suggest this could be a safeguarding issue.

Have you thought that EXH is also being controlled by her and that is why there has been no reply?

I know you don’t want to quiz your DS too much, but I think you could find out whether he really wants to see his father, because being bullied and assaulted isn’t acceptable in any way. DS has a right to feel safe there.

Is contact court ordered? If not you can not allow contact, if it is, you need to let your solicitor know what has been going on. I can’t see the father contesting withdrawal of contact and justifying the stepmother’s and stepson’s behaviour. I would suggest the father comes to see his son without the SM and her DS if he wants contact, and see how long that lasts as PP says.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 19/08/2019 16:45

Work out a code with your DS.

Typing X word means all good, typing Y word means something is wrong

It could be something really simple, like putting xxx after his name means one thing, but putting XXX means something else.

MargotsBumpyNight · 19/08/2019 16:49

Policing his messages is dangerous behaviour. He should be able to contact you if he is unhappy or needs help. She needs to step wayyyy back.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/08/2019 16:55

I'm not surprised she's paranoid.

You know the old saying - when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

She's probably worried that he's playing away from home (and maybe he is - he's done it once), and this is just spilling out into being over-controlling regarding your DS.

And maybe she and your ex are fighting and she's worried that your DS is telling you about it.

Whatever it is, she's out of order - your son is entitled to private conversations with you and other family members. What is she going to do if she finds he is saying "I'm really unhappy here. Daddy's drinking and step-mum is yelling all the time and her rotten son has kicked me in the willie and dad and her don't care and say just not to get on his nerves."

What will she do about it? Evict your son?

dollydaydream114 · 19/08/2019 16:55

@Yabbers I'm pretty sure most eight-year-olds would be pretty upset about having their messages to their own mum checked over by their stepmum, yes. It's pretty important for kids who are away from home to feel that they can contact their mum and/or dad at any time if they're worried or scared or just a bit homesick. Plus, no child wants to feel like the one caught in the middle of two warring adults. He's only eight, ffs, and he's being dragged into his stepmum's paranoia about his own mother. Of course he's going to feel upset, uncomfortable and worried about that.

Spacerader · 19/08/2019 17:12

I find there is usually a lot of step mum bashing in mn.

However, in this situation I agree with you op she was out of line. I understand your sons dads checking the iPad to make sure he is safe. But she really had no reason to and just wanted to be nosey.

AtLeastMyDogLovesMe · 19/08/2019 17:26

Tell your ex that it's fine his wife checks your son's messages to you and from now on your DH will be checking messages between son and him.

Flip

1 2 3