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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to make such a big deal out of this savings account?

44 replies

augustagain · 19/08/2019 10:27

I am worried I may be making too much of this. TBH I am confused about how I should feel about this situation.

In January, I brought up a discussion that we need to start saving money for the first time in our marriage. We have had serious money problems in the past. Neither of us are savers - both as bad as each other in that respect.

We had a chat, DH said let's chat about it again and start saving in August as we were doing a lot to the house between Jan-Aug in readiness for visitors arriving. I agreed to put off the savings and organisation of our finances until then - after all, what did a few more months matter?

Around March/April, we were looking at my online bank account (I almost never check this as my DH runs our finances, but we were looking for a transaction or something) and I noticed he had set up a savings account £50/month in January! This annoyed me. I asked him why he'd done it and he said "it was a surprise for you". This then made me feel guilty for being annoyed.

I can't figure out my feelings on this. I think I am annoyed because:

*We had an agreement. I went with HIS suggestion to leave it until August.
*He went back on that agreement and did his own thing.
*It was quite by accident I found out as I don't normally look at my bank acct online.
*I know it is savings and in my name, but I don't need to be "surprised" with something I had already wanted to do in the first place, but had been talked out of Confused

I just feel really unsettled and annoyed by this and can't really figure out if I am the unreasonable/ungrateful one or not.

OP posts:
Trills · 19/08/2019 10:45

The good news is that you were able to save £50 each month that you would normally have spent, without even trying.

The bad news is that you seem to have no idea of your own income and outgoings, and haven't looked at your bank statements in 8 months.

whocanbebothered · 19/08/2019 10:47

I do think you are BU here. You told him you needed to start saving and he did. I can't see why the small sum of £50pcm needs to be part of some master plan, its hardly breaking the bank. As far as "savings" go, it will take you quite a while to accrue enough to put towards anything meaningful if that is what you put by each month.

I think the fact its such a small amount per month, and that the fact is an account on a banking platform that you DO have access to (so not secret) shows it is a token gesture he was doing to appease/please you. I think to get angry at him for having not run by such a small transaction is a bit absurd quite frankly. If I was working all month and had to run by a £50 purchase with my partner, well, he would be my partner for long!

If you admit that he isn't great with money then I would be more concerned about the fact that you are leaving all the finances to him. If you are both equally bad then I think you guys need to have some real discussions on how to tackle this long-term and savings is only the tip of the iceberg there.

Trills · 19/08/2019 10:47

If one partner "runs the finances" then I think moving £50 a month from one account to another, in a way that the other partner still has full access to it, is completely acceptable behaviour.

I wouldn't want to be in a situation where someone else ran my finances, but if I were then "moving money" is exactly what I'd expect them to be doing.

Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 10:50

Thanks for the replies and I take on board what you are saying.

I am not sure why my DH couldn't have said "We can't start saving a lot just yet, but how about starting a £50/month plan meantime?"

OP posts:
Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 10:52

We don't need each other's permission to spend money, it's not like that. I've been out-earning him for years (supporting his business).

It's more that he talked me out of saving at the time of our discussion and then went ahead and started saving anyway Confused Perhaps he wanted the saving to be his decision or something?

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 19/08/2019 10:56

YABU I think. He was trying to surprise you in a nice way, surely 'Thank you DH that was a very sweet thought' would be the response to have?!
Quite frankly Perhaps he wanted the saving to be his decision or something? is really trying to make a problem out of nothing.

Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 10:59

'Thank you DH that was a very sweet thought' would be the response to have?!

I wish that had been my response. Poor DH!

I could reciprocate and start a savings plan too, I suppose. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em Grin

OP posts:
Couchpotato3 · 19/08/2019 10:59

Maybe he genuinely didn't think you could afford it but thought he'd start saving a small amount quietly to see if it could work. Evidently it did, as you didn't miss the money. Maybe he thought it would be easier to start slowly and without the additional pressure of having to discuss it regularly. Be happy - he managed to save a small amount, it worked out fine and you've made a start. If you get snarly about this now, how is it going to help with saving more going forward? If you genuinely want to get a grip on your finances, you need to build on this, not destroy it with petty upsets over perceived 'secretiveness' from your DP. Be glad he wasn't spending an extra £50 a month.

FamilyOfAliens · 19/08/2019 10:59

If I were you I would use this as a reason to start taking more control of your joint finances. It’s not hard and would give you a better understanding of what your household expenses are and how to budget.

Useful skills if you ever found yourself on your own.

candycane222 · 19/08/2019 11:00

Maybe he wanted to see if he could manage it, and genuinely thought you'd be pleased and as a pp said, as you have managed £50 and it didn't hurt, good chance you could up it a bit. I actually think it's quite sweet but if it makes you uncomfortable that he didn't tell you, maybe thank him and start a conversation about how you want to be more informed and involved so you can take truly joint responsibility. I f he reacted negatively to that idea yes, you might have a problem, but if he is keen then I think it can be fine.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 19/08/2019 11:02

You have full access to the money and now have savings you weren't aware of. I'd have a problem if he took £50/mth for his own savings, but he did it for you both.

What's the plan long term, as £50/mth won't go far if an unexpected expense arises.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 11:03

There's only one big deal to be made here, & it's this:

we were looking at my online bank account (I almost never check this as my DH runs our finances, but we were looking for a transaction or something)

Did you just timewarp back to the 1950's?

In the kindest possible way OP - you are an adult, & responsible for your own bank account.
If you aren't at least running through it every month to check incomings & outgoings, how can you ever hope to get a stronger handle on your financial management?

Congratulations on putting past money problems behind you & taking the decision to start saving this year though.

chockaholic72 · 19/08/2019 11:04

I'd second Trills comments - it's great that he's done this. But I can understand when you say you're bad with money if you never look at your bank accounts. I'm single, and I still look at mine every day - it's easy with banking apps.

Furthermore, it's really concerning that your husband "runs your finances". My cousin's husband did this. He was a lovely man, the marriage was solid, they'd were a lovely family. Then he died v suddenly. She found out that they were thousands of pounds in debt, he'd remortgaged the house, switched to interest only, taken 15 years worth of equity out, lots of credit cards, cancelled his pension payments and life insurance. The death in service payment didn't clear the debt and she had to sell their family home. And all because "John did the finances".
Don think be like this. There are plenty of resources online, from budgets to savings suggestions. Get educated.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/08/2019 11:06

What's the plan long term, as £50/mth won't go far if an unexpected expense arises

surely that depends on what the expense is? It will go a long way towards a new washing machine already!

And I'd kill to be able to save £50/ a month. I'm lucky to have 50p left. It's a great start!

I do agree that it's a good thing for him to have done, though.

Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 11:06

What's the plan long term, as £50/mth won't go far if an unexpected expense arises

True. We should have a cushion of savings which we just don't have. We have looked at all expenses and changed some things (utility providers, etc) for better deals.

I have stopped all casual extra spending on things I don't really need. I shop for clothes on eBay (just recently lost some weight) to keep costs down, but it still all adds up at the end of the day.

We won't use the car as much. We don't smoke or drink or go out or go on holiday, so we are living pretty quietly already in that sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 11:09

In the kindest possible way OP - you are an adult, & responsible for your own bank account. If you aren't at least running through it every month to check incomings & outgoings, how can you ever hope to get a stronger handle on your financial management?

You are quite right to say this and I do agree. Would you believe I am in my FIFTIES! I don't know why I am like this. I come from a dysfunctional family, I know that much.

I was thinking of taking a personal finance course online.

OP posts:
Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 11:13

I just wish I had the feeling we worked more as a team.

I could have just started a savings account myself in January without discussion, but I thought it should be talked through together.

We get on very well 99% of the time day-to-day, but there are times when we just seem to not understand each other at all.

OP posts:
Seeline · 19/08/2019 11:15

I don't understand

Your DH has set up an account in your name and is withdrawing £50 a month from your own account to transfer into 'your' savings account, all without your knowledge?

How is that even possible/legal?

Yes you should be saving, and yes you should be more aware of what is going on with your account, but to me that is unacceptable.

Is your DH saving any of his money?

Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 11:17

Is your DH saving any of his money?

My online accounts are an open book to DH. We put all bills and earnings together and don't keep finances separate.

OP posts:
Vasya · 19/08/2019 11:19

I think it is a bit weird. Not necessarily bad behaviour from him, but as you say - why not just be upfront about it?

Either way I think you need to have more of a handle on your finances going forward.

Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 11:24

@chockaholic72

What a terrible story. How awful for the wife, grieving for her husband and uncovering all that financial mess. Poor woman! Yes, I need to sort myself out.

OP posts:
Original poster
augustagain · 19/08/2019 11:25

Not necessarily bad behaviour from him, but as you say - why not just be upfront about it?

He has form for not telling me things. Big and small. He was alone for 20+ years before I came along and didn't have to take another person into account. This just grates on me - perhaps more than it should.

OP posts:
user1471533725 · 19/08/2019 11:26

I would suspect what happened was you had the conversation about saving and agreed to wait until August. He went away and thought about it and with a a bit mire time realised it was a solid and sensible idea so he tried to start it thinking come August you would be pleasantly surprised.

I'd give him this one OP. He hasn't hidden it from you as such if its an account that you have full access to and he's done a good thing.

For those saying its only £50 need to remember that is a decent amount of money to some people. And while it may take a while to amount to thousants having a small financial cushion is better than none!!

NCpreggo · 19/08/2019 11:27

As a pp said - are you able to set up an account in someone else's name? Surely not.

You need to be checking your accounts regularly, even if just for any suspicious transactions.

MillicentMartha · 19/08/2019 11:28

So has he set up a savings account in joint names? Or in your name? Bit odd.