...to make such a big deal out of this savings account?

[augustagain]

I am worried I may be making too much of this. TBH I am confused about how I should feel about this situation.

In January, I brought up a discussion that we need to start saving money for the first time in our marriage. We have had serious money problems in the past. Neither of us are savers - both as bad as each other in that respect.

We had a chat, DH said let's chat about it again and start saving in August as we were doing a lot to the house between Jan-Aug in readiness for visitors arriving. I agreed to put off the savings and organisation of our finances until then - after all, what did a few more months matter?

Around March/April, we were looking at my online bank account (I almost never check this as my DH runs our finances, but we were looking for a transaction or something) and I noticed he had set up a savings account £50/month in January! This annoyed me. I asked him why he'd done it and he said "it was a surprise for you". This then made me feel guilty for being annoyed.

I can't figure out my feelings on this. I think I am annoyed because:

*We had an agreement. I went with HIS suggestion to leave it until August.
*He went back on that agreement and did his own thing.
*It was quite by accident I found out as I don't normally look at my bank acct online.
*I know it is savings and in my name, but I don't need to be "surprised" with something I had already wanted to do in the first place, but had been talked out of

I just feel really unsettled and annoyed by this and can't really figure out if I am the unreasonable/ungrateful one or not.

Hey, get the swanky new you, @augustagain, with your newly fitter bod & your personal finance course!

Yeah, handling money can't come naturally if you've been brought up in a financially illiterate or dysfunctional family. I suspect you'd get more than money skills out of doing a course - think of the personal satisfaction & empowerment you'll gain.

It's not really about this savings account though, is it?
I just wish I had the feeling we worked more as a team.

That's worth investing as much time in as you did on your fitness plan & will be puttting into your course.
Give yourself time to have a long mull over what is unsettling you, what you can do about it, what your DH could be doing differently, how you can imagine things changing, what benefits you will each get out of making changes ...
Then when it feels clearer to you, ask DH to make time for a long discussion about how to set about making sure you are each as happy & fulfilled as you need to be.

It was my current account. The savings are in a section of that same bank account. The plan is called "Halifax Savings Plan".

Hey, get the swanky new you, @augustagain, with your newly fitter bod & your personal finance course!

Life beginning at 50+ for me?!

It's not really about this savings account though, is it?

Correct. Past stuff comes up for me with regard to this. I always make sure to be open and transparent, whereas I find my DH secretive and unheedful of my input. We have chats, we agree on something (or so I believe) and then he goes off and does his own thing. Perhaps he finds me bossy and intrusive though?

You must have been a single adult at some time and done your own finances?

At what point did you hand it all over to him?

So has he set up a savings account in joint names? Or in your name? Bit odd

My name only. He didn't have to sign anything apparently - just did it online. He has full access to my account online.

You must have been a single adult at some time and done your own finances?

Yes, I was single until 34 yo. I was living like a teenager though - just going out all the time and blowing it all. No debt though.

At what point did you hand it all over to him?

Almost the minute we married, shortly after getting together. He worked in a bank for 20 years and knows all the lingo - so I left it to him, thinking him more responsible. This was pre the banking crisis

it's the lack of openness and treating you like an equal partner that would grate.

but I'd let it slide

He was probably trying to be kind in his own way.

I couldn’t have someone else in control of my finances no matter how much I trust them.
I come from a very dysfunctional/terrible with money family (hi bailiffs) and it made me quite controlling with my own finances. I have debt and not a lot of savings but I’m getting on top of it. I know what goes in and what goes out.

Do you do mobile banking?

If you have sole accounts in your name he shouldn't have access to them...

If anything goes wrong to do with fraud or your accounts you may have zero come back as no-one else should have your on-line log in etc.

Have a joint account that he can look after keeps yours just for you!

That’s great he wanted to save money surprise you however I’m another who is worried about your lack of household finances.

My uncle has not long died and my aunt is clueless as to what bills are paid, how much they are and what company they use, just thankful that my uncle was very organised and all paperwork is up to date , filed in a box. WHich has made it much easier to sort out.

I think he was trying to do a nice thing. You could have found out about it at any time. My issue would have been if I was finding myself fifty quid short or overdrawn as s result of it.

Is it just that you bank through your account rather tgan a joint account for bills for example,? So he uses your account or checks it regularly?

I think when you are trying to get to grips with your finances you need to check your account daily to really get to grips with your cash flow. If you can bank in your phone it makes it very easy.

He must be signing into your Halifax account as you to do this OP. He is not you.

You can start a thread on MN so you are perfectly capable of wrapping your grey matter around how money works.

Glad you are getting on board. Please get signed up for MSE newsletter and start reading for a more enlightened future!

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First task:
Total income/outgoing chart - you can do this today, right now, no course needed.
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On an interesting note the window for PPI claims is about to close (at the end of this month) so now is the time to get educated and possibly enrich your bank account if you have ever had a loan or mortgage ...
www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/ppi-loan-insurance/

I now think of "how money works" as an ongoing hobby (as opposed to just one thing you learn) thanks to MSE and have learned lots. It is possible to get really into the budget side of things and finding good deals is very satisfying. I was giving it away through ignorance before that.

There are some brilliant threads on here too.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/3574061-may-you-earn-10-a-day-thread

He has full access to my account online.

This is not good.

If you want to do that, get a joint account.

But you can’t give him access to accounts in your name, because it’s against the rules of the account- fraud etc.

It’s like sharing your PIN. You can’t do it.

Get a joint account and set stuff up on there, in both your names, and rescind his access to your account.

Do you access HIS accounts? Bet you don’t ...

Past stuff comes up for me with regard to this. I always make sure to be open and transparent, whereas I find my DH secretive and unheedful of my input. We have chats, we agree on something (or so I believe) and then he goes off and does his own thing. Perhaps he finds me bossy and intrusive though?

If DH is as able to view himself through your eyes as you try to view yourself through his, you wonlt have much difficulty working this out.

If he's more resistant, maybe some Assertiveness training alongside your other personal development? This is a good start, & you can do in-person courses too - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/070437269X/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=4H3708R1V6TV7AE6QKBD

Op - I was a bit like you until I split up with my - accountant- husband in my fifties. I suddenly had to get my head around my finances. I felt pretty foolish that I'd left everything to him for 30 years, especially as it really isn't that difficult! (I've also realised that some of his financial decisions weren't that great, but how can I blame him when I left it all up to him and didn't take any interest?)

Come on, op! If I can do it, you can do it.

Also, I don't understand people saying that he has been "kind" and "sweet". Very odd behaviour from him - why be so secretive, especially with your money??

@augustagain To be honest, that's a worst case scenario (although was absolutely shocking - he was a lovely man and we think he just managed his money badly - he adored their kids and they never ever went without, plus a redundancy didn't help). But, when I look at it, my mum and dad were the only ones in my extended family who did everything jointly - in every other the finances were managed by the men. Maybe it was just a sign of the times back then? I wouldn't beat yourself up about it - just use it as a sign to make some changes?

My parents used to sit down once a month on a sunday, go through the bank accounts, pension statements, etc, and work out how much they had, any upcoming expenses, holidays etc. It was before the internet, so took longer, but it ensured that they had the same targets to save for, knew what the priorities were etc. My mum was also CONVINCED her and my dad were going to die in a plane crash when they went on their first holiday without me and my brother, so ensured that "if anything happened", I would know where everything was - all in a concertina file. As it was, they came back safe and sound, but when they died of illness when I was in my early twenties, I knew where everything was.

Maybe decide to have a real financial spring clean - personal accounts for both of you so you have your own money, plus a joint bills account, a sinking fund for expenses like car repairs/house repairs/wedding presents etc, and a long term savings account.

Work out what your financial priorities are - pay the mortgage off, emergency fund, retire early, go on the trip of a lifetime, university fees etc, - and work out how to get to that point.
Create a hard copy file with all your info in - passwords for online accounts like electricity/gas/insurance etc. I once met an elderly gent on the train home who had come from the solicitors. His wife had died and he had no idea of passwords, user names, even who supplied his electricity, and it made sorting out her affairs (and his ongoing ones, really hard). I'm single, no kids, or parents, and realised that if I don't do this, my executor won't have a clue. I didn't even have a hard copy paper trail with details of a stocks and shares ISA with several thousand quid in it. How was my executor going to know?
Make a will if you haven't got one.

Good luck - just start a bit at a time. You'll be amazed how quickly things add up and look clearer, with a bit of direction.

I can't get over the fact that you never check your bank account. I check mine every day on my phone!