To leave my 4yo to go to sleep alone

[screamer1]

For various reasons we've ended up
Staying with him until he goes to sleep. He's taking longer and longer to go off and now we're often lying with him for 45 minutes whilst he squiggles around.

He's resistant to us leaving him (obviously as he's so used to us staying). What are your bedtime routines for similar age and what time do they go to bed?

Following with interest as I have the exact same problem and feel like I’ve made such a rod for my own back now as it really eats into our evening. I think maybe we don’t wind him down enough before bed? Really want him to be able to fall asleep earlier for when he starts reception next month.

I actually still stay with my 4yo but we have recently had to move his bedtime later because he just wasn’t going to sleep, so I think he was sort of reaching the next step of sleep and not needing as much. He ends up in bed about 8 -8.30pm and will wake at around half 6/7 so no longer needs the full 12 hours he used to have.
That’s all the advice I have really, have you tried that?

I’ve tried earlier and later but he wakes up around 5.30 so he definitely needs to be asleep by 8 latest

My 5 and 4 year olds go to bed at 7. Basically it’s teeth brushed and into bed. I read 4 year old a story in her bed, say good night and leave then do the same for 5 year old. Sometimes read to them both together in whichever room they choose. Both go to sleep alone while I’m dealing with 7 month old (who is currently still awake!).
Had the same routine with them since they were babies though.

He's 4! It's fine. Decent nightlight, drink nearby, chuck a load of teddies in with him and tell him he has to stay in his bed until he falls asleep. He's not going to learn to fall asleep until he's given the space to try. My 2.5 yo knows that I'll only go in twice for potty trips after lights out (unless she wakes from a nightmare/something is actually wrong).

We always used to stay with DS (now 4) until he fell asleep, but was impossible once DS2 got older. From about 3 we began leaving him and it wasn't easy. 7.30 up to bed and then read a few books together. Then I always leave and tell him I'll be back to check on him. Sometimes there's lots of screaming but usually he accepts it.

DD is 4 and her evenings look like:

Dinner 5.15
Bath and teeth 5.45
Downstairs a bit after 6 for 20 mins TV
Chapter book and a cuddle in my room with her sister at 6.30
Wee, then picture book and song in her room; lights out before 7

We had a few weeks when she was about 3 1/2 of her not wanting me to leave. I used to potter upstairs for 15 mins, audibly so she could hear me - wash my face, fold washing etc - and stick my head in her room every so often so she knew I was about, which was a good step away from sitting with her

You either gradually withdraw over a week or more or go cold turkey. Don’t expect them to like it. Do expect it to be good for you both in the long term.

I need advice too! Lots of DS’s 4 yo friends seem to be clingier at the moment too. DS has always needed us though. For the last couple of months he’s been sleeping in a pile of pillows on the floor next to our bed because left in his own bed he was up and down all night, 3 or 4 times for us to resettle him. He sleeps through now next to us but still needs us to stay with him.
Luckily DS2 (who is the only one in the family who doesn’t sleep in this room, poor thing! 😄) has always been a great sleeper.
The boys are meant to share a room so don’t think it’s that DS1 is lonely!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mine goes to sleep at 8 and wakes up 7ish. Goes by herself but would try anything to get you to stay with her.
At various times we've done star charts, reward box, bribing with various things, or punishment eg taking a teddy from her room every time she has got up. At times when shes really wanting some company we say we'll go and check on her every 15 min or so.
At one point we had to restrict fairy tale books and tv as it was giving her nightmares. We also had to get her a new nightlight.

We had to sleep train both of ours, i found losing out on that adult time in the evening made me feel really stressed

Could you say you're just popping downstairs for X, be gone for a few minutes, return? And do that every night but be gone longer and longer each time?

I've heard good things about audiobooks for small children, especially 'the rabbit who wants to go to sleep'.

I used to read and then lie with DS until he fell asleep, sometimes it took ages and I would get increasing irritated (internally, externally I pretended to be asleep!). He's just turned 4 so I told him that big boys fall asleep by themselves, he seems to have bought that so far. So now I read to him, cuddle/kiss etc and then say goodnight and leave. Probably two nights out of seven he gets up again and needs taking back to bed, but the rest of the time he goes to sleep.

we decided we weren't going to stay with DD after 3 years of awful sleeping and having to cosleep or lie with her for an hour or more while she fell asleep. we started by sitting on the end of her bed, the standing, then moved to stand just outside the door with it open and finally shut the door and sat in the next room until she was asleep. It took a couple of weeks but she got it!

I also let her pick a new bed, she wanted a midsleeper with a dream tent and matching duvet set so I explained she could have it but mummy and daddy wouldn't be able to get into bed so she had to be a big girl and sleep all night first and she seemed to take it better because there was a 'reward' at the end.

Mine are grown now, but in summer, mine went to bed at 10 (it is still light here then in summer), and woke up late. They each had baths, then stories (ages 4, 6 and 7). They had a story together, prayers, then the older two read individually, while I read to the 4 year old. I stayed with the 4 year old until he fell asleep. He was the only one that needed this. At times I found it a bit much (staying with him until he fell asleep), but now I truly cherish those times. They little for such a short time. I am glad I had that experience, although he doesn't remember it now!

Oh and the routine is:
Bath, around 6/6:30
PJs on and chooses stories
Stories in mummy and daddy's bed 6:30/7
Bed, kisses and lullaby
Good nights and door closed by 7/7:30 most nights and asleep no later than 8, usually closer to 7:30 weeknights as we're up at 6:30am.

We start bedtime about half six. Wee, wash, teeth, pull ups, then into bed.
Once in bed, story, clock (he gets to push the button on his Gro Clock), lights out.
Sometimes he plays in his bed for a bit, sometimes he goes straight to sleep. Often he looks at his book. If he shouts, he gets told, "It's sleepy time. Go to sleep." But usually has fine.
We did have battles when we first started leaving him, but that was several years ago now.

Told my three year old she could have a buzz lightyear if she did 3 nights in a row with going to sleep by herself and no getting up in the night.

Had a little reward chart.

Boom. Done!

She loves her Buzz!

Mine doesn't like me leaving but I tell her need to go feed the dog and I'll be back. If she grumbles I remind her that the dog will be sad if I don't feed her. Most the time by the time I go back shes sparko.

Also I tell her she doesn't have to go to sleep straight away and give her a book she can look through (she's 2 so can't read!). I think as they get older they need a bit of wind down time to process the day before drifting off. Rule is she has to stay in her bed but can read, sing a song or play with her teddies.

Most people will disagree with me but I got this advice years ago.
Someone said to me just go with it, make yourself comfortable, get a nice cushion, your iPad and a glass of wine admittedly it was about a younger child but
my dd is 4 and I don't quite do that but close enough

Josephinebettany not that easy when you’ve got more than one child though! If I did that for my 5 year old, my 4 year old and then still had to deal with the baby, it would take all night.

I coslept with DS until he was about 3 and then stayed with him until he was asleep until he was 4. Around 4.5 I started to just leave him. Bedtimes have followed the same pattern since forever which was bath, stories, milk, teeth clean, wee, cuddles. It used to be cuddles until asleep but now I leave him cuddling his monkey instead. Sometimes he gets up and asks for an extra snuggle but usually when I leave him he stays until morning. Bedtime was 7pm for years but now it's nearer to 8. He still gets up by 6am. He's just turned 5 now.

Initially the leaving him to sleep was met with resistance. I always used boring excuses like needing to put washing in the dryer, fold washing, do dishes etc so he could still hear me moving about. I've slept a hundred times better since going to my own bed in my own room but I still kind of miss having him curled up next to me.

Glad I'm not alone! I think the thing that's making it extra tricky is that I freelance and need to work in the evenings, and that's the only time I have to do it. Although I know you're right @Winterlife

I suspect we need to put him down a bit later and see if that works. He currently goes to bed at about 7.20 but will often be up an hour later.

We’re potty training and toddler suddenly won’t be left alone at bed time. She will scream and scream and all previous sleep training has gone out the window. So we’re sitting with her aware we’re probably making problems for the future but with no real alternative (she will keep going til 9/10pm easily and is exhausted from everything) we’re planning on gradual withdrawing/retreating or whatever it’s called. So every day get a bit further away until we’re out the door 🙏🏼🤞🏼

DD (4.5) I like her to be asleep by 7
She has three stories and if she fannies around she loses stories
She has to have a cuddle to sleep and we put lullabies on the echo.
She will normally be out in 10min
On bad days I use an audio book.
85% of the time she is good but occasionally you get the hyperactive over tired flea that won’t keep still. We had that about 3 weeks ago because she fell asleep in the car for TEN MINUTES!!!! Nothing worked that day.
If she’s farting about I threaten to go downstairs and I do so yanbu

We bribed our DS just as he turned 4, he wanted us to stay with him and had a habit of running into our room around 3am and getting into bed with us.

We had tried everything, but nothing worked.

Bad I know but we told him that if he goes to sleep on his own and sleeps all night in his own bed he could get any toy he wanted from the toy shop (smyths). He had to do if for a full week of nursery (m-f) and we’d go on Saturday- and he managed it!
we told him if he didn’t sleep all night the toy would go back.... it worked.
He falls asleep on his own after glass of milk and teeth, dream sheep on (he loves white noise!) and then has a kiss and cuddle and falls asleep. He has one sleepover in our bed a week at the weekend as my husband works till the small hours and he looks forward to it.