To stop MIL from having unsupervised access to dc

[Steppenwolverine]

Mil has had a lot of access to my 2 dc (10 and 12) since they were born. They have regularly stayed with her for 2-3 days at a time in the holidays, or on weekends, and MIL has routinely babysat when DH and I have gone away for weekends etc. Mil has a very close relationship with the DC, is very hands-on and generous to them, and the dc love her.

BUT. Mil and I have never got on- she has never really respected my authority as their parent since they were babies and has often undermined me.
She is a toxic gossip (all of her conversational material seems to consist of gossip) generally sharing inappropriately private information or speculating about friends, family members etc.
If taken to account about anything, MIL sulks and acts like a victim.

Without going into details, MIL recently made some remarks/accusations about me to DH which have proven beyond all doubt that she has no respect for me. When I was away, she visited DH and said she believes I had stolen something valuable from her (I hadn’t!). She also told DH not to tell me about her suspicions.

Mil has behaved maliciously towards me many, many times over the years, but this feels like the final straw. DH was also outraged and is v much on my side, although he has previously attempted to defend MIL

The dc’s strong relationships with and obvious love for their DGM does give me pause, but AIBU to feel reluctant to let someone who is a) an inveterate gossip, b)clearly dislikes me and c? regards me as a thief to have unfettered access to my dc?

Mil and I have never got on- she has never really respected my authority as their parent since they were babies and has often undermined me
Yet you gave her unfettered access to your kids all these years........

I don't get how people whose grandmother was horrible to one of their parents adored the grandparent and had a great relationship with them.
If one of my grandparents treated one of my parents horribly for no good reason then I wouldn't be able to have such a close relationship with them regardless of how nice they were to me.
It doesn't say much about the grandparent as a person if they hate their own child

YABVU - since MIL isn’t dripping poison into their ears, they are close to young teenagers and have an otherwise solid relationship with their DGM, it’s not for you to sever it.

So you both don’t like each other and she thinks you’re a thief? And?

Oh, and the I would send her a solicitor’s letter has to be one of the more batshit (or sardonic) suggestions on this thread)!

YANBU to be angry at these accusations, but YABU to deny her access to your DCs. It would be cruel to your DCs to come between their very strong bond with your MIL. But you and your DH should have a meet up with your MIL to discuss these accusations.

I am not a door mat.
And you are speculating that MIL is trying to drive a wedge between OP and her son.

She told her son OP had stolen something and then told him not to tell his wife what she had said. I'm not speculating. Those are the facts.

Are you saying you would be OK with it if your MIL did that??

If you would - or if you wouldn't but wouldn't do anything about it for fear of rocking the boat - I'd say that's pretty much the epitome of being a doormat. Sorry to be the one to tell you.

I agree with pp that dementia is also a possibility (although I tend to think she would have shouted it from the rooftops instead of whispering it in DH's ear, if so). Either way, it needs to be addressed. I wouldn't want to leave young DC unsupervised with a gp with dementia any more than I'd want to leave them with someone intent on causing trouble.

@inverness That is speculating that she said that to drive a wedge. If you thought your DIL had stolen from you would you mention it to your own son?
And if you thought that if your DIL knew you suspected that that you would not have access to your GCs of course you would beg him not to tell her you said that.
That may not be what happened. But my point is that people are making up scenarios when none of us know why the MIl said that. I could make up scenarios too.

Of course you can love your GM and still see that the relationship between your mum and your GM is difficult.
Both my GM and mum would have blamed each other out, and at times that was fair. But truthfully overall they were both to blame. I could see that as a child never mind as an adult. Sometimes one person really is to blame. But IME it is much more common that both adults are partly to blame.

What's your DH's view of how to handle this? I agree there'll be great deal more she'll have said to him that you don't know about, and no doubt he felt he had to tell you this time because allegations of theft are serious

If he really is "outraged" and "totally on your side", what does he intend to do about it?

Oh, bollocks, jenny. You try to get someone to keep secrets from someone important to them when you want to break trust and divide loyalties. It's exactly the same as the process by which abusers get children to keep secrets from their parents. The MIL is completely out of order.

And unless she has dementia, I think it's equally obvious that she doesn't even believe anything's been stolen. Because what would this course of action achieve? She hasn't confronted OP directly, and although she's spoken to OP's DH, she's told him not to say anything. So how does she imagine she'll get to the bottom of the matter or get her stolen property back? The answer is she won't, and that's not her goal. She wants her son to keep secrets from his wife - preferably nasty secrets that will make him think badly of her - in cahoots with his mum. It's horrible, and no, I would not behave like that, and nor would I take any shit from anyone who tried it with me.

Confront, OP. Tell her you need to know on what basis she's said this so that you can clear your name. That way she'll know your DH has your back. But it's just what any normal person would do anyway, isn't it? I just don't believe all the pp who say if someone accused them of stealing they wouldn't be that bothered really.

She sounds absolutely horrible OP and you’ve every right to be as upset as you are. But you’ve allowed her to see your dc all these years and it sounds like they all love and care about each other.

I would cut her off in your shoes but wouldn’t punish my children by stopping them see her. As long as she doesn’t start with her vicious tongue with them of course.

I could not entertain her being left alone in my house after this. What did she think would happen when she accuses you of theft but you are not supposed to know so cannot defend yourself?
Time for a.sit down talk. She may not like you and that is her choice but you are still her sons wife and the mother of her grandchildren so you expect a level of civility but you will not sit back and allow her to make false accusations about such a serious issue, behind your back and you will not entertain any of her poison being spilled near your children. If she wants to see them, then she can do so at her house with your dh doing drop offs and collections.
I would not trust her to stay away from your private correspondence or business if left alone in your house after this beauty!

You do have to separate the relationship. My dd continues to see her grandmother. My mother. But I had to put her in her place when she all but accused my dd when she was 7 of bullying my brother, who is older than me and very much an adult. Idk what my brother said. But he is golden child, was allowed to be violent and bully me. At this stage I told dd what had happened and unfortunately I also told her about my mothers treatment to protect her - very sanitised versions of things.

In your dcs position, I would continue to let them have access. My concern would be to ensure your mil isn’t reflecting her dislike of you onto them as can happen. She is clearly crazy and inventing ever more elaborate lies. Therefore the children do need to be protected.

If she is only kind to your dcs, I would try to keep the two separate. It is not always possible such as when my brother was violent with me in front of her because he denies I am disabled. According to my mother that was my fault.

@InvernessAdventure You sound difficult

I apologise I actually didn't see it says unsupervised access. Sorry

Although she deserves it - Don't use your kids as a weapon against her.
Your innocent DCs will be the ones that miss out and will suffer for it.
She sounds bloody awful - good luck 💐

Hmm - I am the grandchild of toxic grandparents. I saw them but my parents had very strong agreed boundaries and I was very well protected from their worst acts. But I still sensed something was off. To be honest my parents only saw them for the sake of me and my brother and as an adult I wish they hadn’t bothered. Deep down we knew they didn’t like my dad and so, although I loved them - one does as a child, I knew there was something wrong and it was a relief when my mum started talking truthfully about her childhood etc and I could put a name to the “feeling” I had.

Interestingly there were six grandchildren. Three were well protected with a parent with good boundaries. Three were not.

Three are now in good relationships with children, good jobs, friends, ordinary but nice lives. (We are aged 35 - 45.)
Three are not.

It may be coincidence. I just don’t know.

she only had the children at her house
only your DH drops off and picks up
if either of the above aren’t convenient then they don’t go

All of this and she is not allowed at your house, ever. She does not deserve that privilege.

My grandmother and my father's family were horrible to my mother and as a result I could not care less about them. I've not even attended any funerals on that side which is really taboo in my culture as they are my "real family". So I would limit or stop contact

I am glad my mum limited contact with them. I recently was visited by my father's sister and it reinforced that I did not miss out on anything given her toxic nature and alcoholism.

I adored my maternal grandmother and am in contact with my mum's side of the family.

In my eyes anyone who disrespect either of my parents is dead to me.

My worry would be what she is saying to your DC about you. Given she asked her son (your husband) not to discuss her allegations with OP, how do you know she is not doing the same with her GC but swearing them to secrecy?

I don’t really understand why your MIL would make that accusation to your husband but then told him not to tell you if she really thought you had stolen something from her. It doesn’t make sense if she wasn’t trying to cause trouble between you. If she really thought you had stolen something, surely she would not get her property returned if you were not confronted and confessed or proven to have stolen it? It doesn’t make sense unless she is either very odd; suffering from dementia or has a mental illness of some kind causing paranoia/confusion; or she is trying to cause your DH to doubt you and cause a rift.

If, however, you are sure that she has not and will not do that, or drip poison in their ear etc, then I would not stop contact between your DC and their grandmother.

I would, however, tell her you know what she did and as a result you will limit your contact with her and not set foot through over the threshold so as to avoid a repeat incident/any further suspicions. Nor will she be allowed into your home (unless your DH strongly disagrees with that stance) so she can see the grandchildren in her home as you or DH can drop off at hers or she can collect from your home. If she continues to undermine you, you pick her up on it every time- or better, get your DH to do so.

Actually, having thought about it some more- the other odd thing about her request for your DH not to tell you about her accusations regarding you is that what did she think he would do with that information?

I would be most upset and angry if I knew, or believed, my DH stole from my mother. It would cause problems in our relationship for certain, and may even cause us to split (depending on context). Equally, if my mother made that accusation without proof and on a hunch or for circumstantial reasons (and I couldn't be sure that the accusations were false) then I would want to give my DH the opportunity to refute those accusations/defend themselves AND to get to the truth of the matter.

It would seem, therefore, that what MIL was actually doing was trying to make OP look untrustworthy, criminal etc to her DH (MIL's son)- which if he believed her could only cause trouble between him and OP- whilst depriving OP of any opportunity to refute her accusations. Add in to that scenario that without confronting OP MIL would never get her stolen property back/justice/an apology etc, and if the aim was not to cause problems between OP and her DH- then why did she take that course of action?

@jacks11
Yes, that’s pretty much the crux of it

My worry would be what she is saying to your DC about you.

Yes, that's the other thing I was going to say. Perhaps before you make a decision about how to handle this, you - or better still DH - need a chat with the kids. If she's said things about you and told them not to tell you, they might be more likely to spill the beans to him. I don't mean interrogate them, more a chat about what they get up to when they're with their DGM, do they enjoy their time with her, what do they tend to do/talk about...and see what comes out. If they've been sworn to secrecy about anything, it may be weighing heavily on them and a relief to tell.

No way would she set foot in my house again!! And yeah I would tell the dc the truth. You aren't dragging them in to adult business but showing them you won't be bullied! Mil has no respect for you - dc are being conned dgm is fab otherwise!!
In a few years they will know anyway as dc aren't daft at teen age - they will wonder why you let them go alone....

I think if OP is going to limit contact with her MIL then some explanation will need to be given to the children at some point they’ll pick up that something isn’t right and the uncertainty around why that happened will be as bad as hearing there has been a disagreement. It doesn’t need to a detailed account- just “granny thinks mum has done something that she has not done and so mum has chosen to keep her distance for a while. Granny loves you and this doesn’t mean you can’t see her as usual” or similar.

Both my GM and mum would have blamed each other out, and at times that was fair. But truthfully overall they were both to blame. I could see that as a child never mind as an adult. Sometimes one person really is to blame. But IME it is much more common that both adults are partly to blame.

I'm the first to admit that I find MIL personally irritating, but as said, I have never sabotaged her relationships with the DGC and have always enabled her to have access to them.

After she made the recent accusation about the theft, she told DH that she is convinced I 'hate' her. As proof of this, she apparently cited an incident a couple of years ago when she brought over some flowers and a card for my birthday, and I left them both on the table in the front hall without opening them and led her through to another room.

This is the level of reasoning that I am dealing with.