To stop MIL from having unsupervised access to dc

[Steppenwolverine]

Mil has had a lot of access to my 2 dc (10 and 12) since they were born. They have regularly stayed with her for 2-3 days at a time in the holidays, or on weekends, and MIL has routinely babysat when DH and I have gone away for weekends etc. Mil has a very close relationship with the DC, is very hands-on and generous to them, and the dc love her.

BUT. Mil and I have never got on- she has never really respected my authority as their parent since they were babies and has often undermined me.
She is a toxic gossip (all of her conversational material seems to consist of gossip) generally sharing inappropriately private information or speculating about friends, family members etc.
If taken to account about anything, MIL sulks and acts like a victim.

Without going into details, MIL recently made some remarks/accusations about me to DH which have proven beyond all doubt that she has no respect for me. When I was away, she visited DH and said she believes I had stolen something valuable from her (I hadn’t!). She also told DH not to tell me about her suspicions.

Mil has behaved maliciously towards me many, many times over the years, but this feels like the final straw. DH was also outraged and is v much on my side, although he has previously attempted to defend MIL

The dc’s strong relationships with and obvious love for their DGM does give me pause, but AIBU to feel reluctant to let someone who is a) an inveterate gossip, b)clearly dislikes me and c? regards me as a thief to have unfettered access to my dc?

I understand your reaction. But is it in your children's best interest? I think if you stop access you're going to look like the bad guy here

If you prevent her from seeing your children, they will just remember that you stopped them from visiting their beloved grandmother and it will come back to bite you.

My mother and (paternal) grandmother had a difficult relationship, but my parents relied on her for childcare (every 3rd and 9th weekend, plus half terms) since I was at boarding school near my grandmother but a very long way from my parents and siblings. Looking back, I suspect that my grandmother didn't like my mother very much, but she did her best to hide her dislike and never said anything directly to me. My mother was very open about hating her MIL and still is, even 17 years after my grandmother died.

My grandmother was right to dislike my mother, she is a bitch. Apart from her other failings, bitching about an adult a child loves in their hearing is awful and confusing for the child. For the sale of your future relationships with your children, don't keep them away from their grandmother. I think it's fine to have a fairly frank discussion with her though, about accusing you of theft. And obviously, consider yourself released from ever being obliged to visit her.

My mum used to say negative things about my GM in my hearing. As an adult I can see that my GM was very difficult, but what she said did hurt me. I love my GM.
Different family members can have very different relationships with each other. I would feel differently if your kids were tiny, but reducing or stopping contact will only hurt your DCs.

In this situation, I'm struggling to understand why your children ever had so much unsupervised access to your children.

I would take the higher moral ground here, as StroppyWoman and others who've been the child in similar circumstances have suggested.

A sure fire way to breed resentment on your children woukd be to stop them seeing their GM whom they love.

I would meet her bad behaviour with kindness & compassion - you can only control YOUR behaviour so I would make sure mine was beyond reproach. Your DCs will make up their own minds as they grow up.

It's complex! I can see you don't want to inadvertently publish DCs, but on the other hand what MIL has done is absolutely unacceptable. I think probably the best plan is what CheerfulMuddler said. That will natural reduce contact time, plus you can always do some more exciting things with you, DH and DCs so they don't miss her when contact natural reduces.

Looking back I can see my Gran (my Mum's MIL) was a cow to her when I was little, but I loved my Gran and she was always lovely to me. She has passed away now but some of the things she did for me are still special.

I reiterate stopping children’s contact with an otherwise doting granny just because she doesn’t like the mother or there is a personality clash would be wrong but stopping your children seeing the woman who accused you of theft is another thing altogether. At 10 and 12 I would be telling the children the whole story. I often think responses on here see issues only in black and white and advice to go NC at the drop of a hat But she has accused you of THEFT! Send a solicitor’s letter and do this for your daughters’ sake.

With my DC I havent stopped them from seeing the members of DH's family that have constantly slagged me off, but I've told DH it's up to him to facilitate it.

So far he hasnt, and that's all my fault as well apparently...

Your MIL does not like you. She does not have to. Sounds like you don't like her either OP. But focus on your kids.

I don't want to outline the many, many previous examples of her malice towards me and a couple of other relatives, as they'd probably be identifying. But no, I don't particularly like her - the feeling is very much mutual. However, I've never spread malicious gossip about MIL to other family members, or accused her of criminal acts! I've always facilitated her access to the dc and supported their relationships with her, and I've always told all & sundry what a kind and devoted GM she is. I've really tried to put my personal feelings to one side, and to put my dc (and dh) first.

But this latest incident just seemed so blatant and unpleasant, it really made me wonder whether I have been too tolerant and whether I should take some sort of stand. But I'm happy to be told IABU, and keen to hear other perspectives, so this thread has been very helpful

"...If taken to account about anything, MIL sulks and acts like a victim."

My mother did that! She also denied saying or doing things. Also frequently got hold of the wrong end of the stick and gossiped a lot.

She had good points too :-).

I feel for you, Steppenwolverine; calling you a thief was outrageous.

MIL said to her son that she thought OP had stolen something. Sending a solicitors letter is just batshit crazy advice.

And if you think a 10 and 12 year old won't recognise strategies to naturally reduce contact that you are underestimating the intelligence of children this age.

And don't tell your DCs what GM said about theft. Putting them in the middle of an adult conflict is very unfair. You are asking them to pick sides between two people they love very much.

The children will only resent your stopping contact if you deny them the dignity of knowing the reason and at 10 and 12 they deserve the truth.,. she has crossed a massive line. If she is prepared to say this slander to your husband what is she saying to her nieces for example, about you? And they might believe it. If you do not respond to this slander it will get worse!

I think I’d make some new rules in light if the theft accusations:

• she only had the children at her house
• only your DH drops off and picks up
• if either of the above aren’t convenient then they don’t go.

These 3 rules would mean you don’t see her and are not at risk if any further false accusations. The kids then maintain a relationship with her.

An additional rules would be:

• your DH takes his balls out of MILs purse and tells her in no uncertain terms that any more nastiness towards you or through the children will mean you go NC and she won’t see the kids again.

This gives her a chance to stop and you can’t be fairer than that.

I'd be worried that it would only be a matter of time before she accused the DC of stealing or started dripping poison. People like her are unpredictable and don't have logical thought processes.

Plus I've always felt if people want access to my children they need to be respectful towards me. Bare minimum.

Let your dc have their relationship with her, but you do not have to be involved. Above all, she has to know that your dh told you about the theft accusation, and that he does not keep secrets from you. Otherwise she will think she has leverage and it will happen again. I totally agree with InvernessAdventure -the idea of confronting her together about this serious accusation is brilliant - do it in your home though, not hers. In fact, do not ever visit her yourself.
In fact, this episode gives you the perfect excuse not to have anything further to do with her yourself. Important for you and dh to keep a united front, and for him to stick up for you and support you strongly, otherwise she will cause further trouble,. Good luck.

My Fil used to slag me off to my three eldest kids. Then one time he took them out to lunch, it was the day after we moved house and I was heavily pregnant and exhausted. I thought he was being nice.

Apparently he said something like, “I have to look after you because your mum is lazy and neglectful and doesn’t feed you properly.” DD1, who was about 10 at the time, snapped and told him, “Don’t you dare talk about my mum like that”. And the other two joined in. They came home and told me all about it.

FiL also had a massive go at me for being cold hearted once when we were all sitting around just listening to music. That time BiL basically told him to shut up.

My point is that everyone sees how these people behave and they look like the bad guy, not you. If your kids have any loyalty, they will put your MiL in her place as they get older.

Why on earth would you do that to your children 😣 don't stop contact for them.
It's your argument alone to have not the children's.
This is like what some women do stopping the children seeing their fathers or making it difficult because of their own issues and for a sort of cruel punishment which affects the children mainly..

Unless that is, she starts saying things to them...

And don't go in her house again 👍

You cant really stop the children seeing her, that would be a bit cruel on them. I would mark her card though, tell her you know what she has said about you. Then tell her you will never enter her home again and she will not enter yours. To accuse someone of stealing is not on.

Christ reading some of these replies I can see why some people have so much conflict in their personal lives.

The conflict is coming from the MIL, who has crossed a very important line in her attempt to drive a wedge between her son and his wife. A lot of people hate confrontation and would let this go in order to avoid it but if that's your position, you should own it, not pretend that it represents some kind of moral high ground. Not everyone is a doormat, thankfully.

Well said @MrsHound

@inverness I am not a door mat. But sending a solicitors letter? Some of the replies on here give advice that will simply increase the level of conflict.
And you are speculating that MIL is trying to drive a wedge between OP and her son. Mind reading is never a good idea when trying to deal with difficult situations. May OP is difficult in a way that meant MIL really believed she had stolen from her?

I've not read the full thread, so apologies if this has been mentioned, but my mum got a bit like this, causing people of things before she was diagnosed with dementia. Obviously if your DH thinks she's always been like that...

@bionic yes, that has crossed my mind, too