To think female friendships and male friendships are different and thats normal?

[sweetnsuga123]

I was speaking to my boyfriend yesterday and he said me and my best friend are very close and we cross boundaries that most men wouldn't with their friend.

Me and my close friend have no issue with getting changed in front of eachother, we held hands on the plane a while ago because we were scared on the take off and when we go on nights outs we dance sexually as a joke and always say we love eachother in a platonic way. We are both comfortable doing this because we are straight and have boyfriends and find it amusing.

My boyfriend argued that it was odd because he'd never do that with a male friend. Aibu to think its not weird because female and male friendships are very different?

@Elliebellbell Crazy idea but perhaps you could entertain the fact that I dont understand how it is immature and Im asking for clarification?

Hmmmm yeah because lesbians just wouldn't know how to control themselves around you with your sexy sexy dance moves. Ugh.

I suspect you're at the big old ham op.

But generally speaking, the people who are worth knowing and calling friends understand "off limits", "platonic" and "a bit of fun" so you wouldn't have to draw arbitrary boundaries with friends based on their sexuality.

So I'm both poly and bisexual. If we were friends and you did this,the fact that I'm available for intimacy with you and attracted to people of your gender would be irrelevant to how I categorised the interaction. You're heterosexual and in a monogamous relationship, so basic decency tells me that this sexy dancing is only dancing for fun with a dear friend.

Though we would be doing it for the blokes. Let's be honest.

In my opinion it's because of the way patriarchy centres attraction to men.

Its generally seen by society as fine for female friends to behave in very intimate ways, because their attraction to men is assumed and so their behaviour with their friends is seen as benign or harmless.

It generally isn't seen as fine for men to be intimate with their male friends because in that scenario their behaviour is seen as indicative of attraction to men.

In terms of your question of whether it's
'fine', I think it probably isn't. I would like for women to feel comfortable in their friendships without having to perform harmless sexuality, and I would like for men to feel that they can hold hands or hug or share a bed etc with their friends without it being seen as weird or inappropriate.

@Elliebellbell You're taking it in such a wrong way its a joke. I dont mind dancing with a gay man or my best friend because Im in a relationship and it has no sexual implication. I wouldnt dance with a straight man or a lesbian woman because they could think its a sexual thing perhaps and it wouldnt be from my end. Nothing to do with me thinking im irresistible or sexy! Im far from it. Its the differentiation between possibly sexual and non sexual.

What does big old ham mean? @Elliebellbell

In an ideal world, you sexy dancing with your friend for any reason would have no impact on anyone else. In our world, it reinforces the idea that female sexual interactions are just sex and exist for the enjoyment of men.

Sometimes we have to recognise our privilege and not contribute to inequality. That might mean making conscious efforts not to do quite common and spontaneous behaviour.

I can't give an example offhand because this is usually the one I give!

@Kewlwifee yeah I think you're right and I never realised the possible implications of my behaviour in that way

I think some of your examples are a bit weird - I always assume most men are more comfortable changing in front of mates than women are, based on my experience of changing rooms!

I think all friendships are different, depending on the age, personality, etc. of the people involved, not their sex.

I have a lot of friends, and now a DP who were/are stereotypically 'rugby lads' and, although they have (mostly) grown up a bit now, in our late teens/twenties they were far more touchy feely between each other, similar to the way you describe than I would ever be even with my closest female friends/sisters - think wandering around naked in front of each other, touching each other's balls/dick as a joke, sleeping next to each other in only their underwear, etc.

Even now in their thirties they are very comfortable hugging each other, sharing a double bed if necessary, e.g. on stag dos, telling each other they look good in various clothes etc. (while also taking the piss when they think they don't!) and, while maybe not emotionally supportive in the same way as women in terms of talking about their feelings, do show it in different ways, e.g. my DP took some beers round to his BF's and played on the xbox the day he found out his gran had died, and then went to the funeral to support him.

It works the other way too, I have very close female friends but am just not a touchy feely person, so would be a lot less likely to engage in what you class as 'intimate' (weird word for it) physical interactions that my dp with his male friends. It's just different personalities, not necessarily based on gender.

Completely agree with onceandneveragain, that's been my experience.

I think it depends on your social circle and how you grew up.

I'm a very physically affectionate person, I love hugs and I happily hug my friends.

My social scene are all very 'touch feely' and open with their sexuality... there's a mix of Hetero/LGBTQA+ and a LOT of very close platonic relationships.. so none of us have issue with hugging, holding hands, sitting close, bed sharing (to sleep).

Yes there's a fair amount of sexual banter too, but we're all adults and all know where each others boundaries are.

I do see what you're saying in that girls are more likely to be in a closer platonic relationship with other girls than their male friends are with each other, but its more to do with whats acceptable within your social scene that to do with Sex specific differences.

@koalatea Do you think that if it was socially acceptable (or more so) for men to say I love you and hug and share beds that they would?

I also agree with @onceandneveragain
I have very similar experience except instead of rugby crowd it's BJJ/MMA guys. All very comfortable with physical contact, states of undress and also hugely supportive of each other emotionally albeit in a less intense way than women's relationships can be. I wonder if it has something to do with participating in a high-contact sport where you have to be very physically close to one another a lot of the time.

Follow, yes I do, because thats exactly what they do in our social group, because it IS acceptable and no-one bats an eyelid.

@onceandneveragain My experience in all the rugby teams I’ve played in as well. To be honest I don’t know many men who don’t hug their mates.

What about Male-female friendships, OP, or does that not feature in your world?

I think I am more open about more private aspects of my life with my female friends than my male friends. I also don't think DH speaks to his male friends in the same way. In a WhatsApp group with my female friends we'll discuss problems in our marriages. For example one of the girls is TTC and her husband is feeling under a lot of pressure and has gone off sex as a result. I don't think he'd be talking about that with his male friends. But maybe it's just because men are socially conditioned to hide their feelings.

@Glasscrab I'm not making bold statements about all friendships ever. People love to twist what Ive said. I dont have many male friends so I cant comment on that. Im also not saying that men arent allowed to be affectionate in fact I encourage that! What I was saying from my experience of female friendships is that we are affectionate and I think thats normal!