To be annoyed at grandparents...

[fedupm]

Feel so fed up for my DD, she has 4 living healthy grandparents and the only one to bother with her is my DM!

Its her birthday in a couple of weeks, my DF had forgot and is going away that day and FIL hasn't mentioned it when DH has spoken to him. We don't speak to MIL so she stopped sending her a card to.

Growing up all my grandparents were dead I only had my nan, I thought it would of been different for DD having all living grandparents but they are shit and don't bother with her!

AIBU to be pissed of? I am also due another DD soon and feel like telling them all they can piss of if they think they are going to come round doting all over the new baby in front of DD1!!

Obviously gps arent obligated to dote on your DD. It's sad though and I certainly wouldn't have them swanning in for their baby fix if they can't be bothered to consistently be in the DCs life. When DD was born we had a lot of family like that and I certainly wouldn't be letting them visit next time. Saw them once, DD is now 1 and we didnt hear from them again. Her GPs are very involved but my own brother didnt even send a card for her 1st birthday

They might become more interested when the DCs are older. Some people aren't interested in small children but are more so when they can talk and look after themselves more.

She has one loving DGM which counts for much more than several half interested ones. Try not to let it bother you though it is hurtful when you are disappointed for your children.

But DD won't realise they are 'expected' to fuss over her. It's better you just leave them to it. She has loving parents that is by far the most important thing.

If it's a couple of weeks until her birthday why are you assuming no one will bother? There's plenty of time for a card and present to arrive.

Although I'm assuming there is a wider issue about contact here so it's probably about more than the birthday issue.

It is sad there's not much contact and you have fallen out with MIL, but you are BU to be annoyed that a grand parent is going away on a child's birthday!

You can remember a child's birthday without having to put your life on hold that day.

For us birthdays are a family day usually dh, dd, ds and i, we don’t involve grandparents and the grandparents see them around about their birthday, rarely on their actual birthday,

Just because our children are the centre of our world doesn’t mean that They are to everyone else.

Give over OP with FIL going on holiday on the day being a problem. Birthdays don't mean everyone has to stand on ceremony and be available. A card is enough.

Gently remind them it's her birthday and wait and see. Don't build up her expectations.

I’d hope for a card but wouldn’t expect grandparents to visit every birthday. I don’t know any that do that.

Families are odd, I think that pp just get busy and forget. If they are not in her life regularly they are not going to remember. My ILs are lovely but routinely forget DSs x 2 birthdays - nothing much I can do.

@SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver thats my point though he actually forgot all about it, DH had to remind him that its DD's birthday on that date. I honestly wished he hadn't bothered it would of said a lot to me if he totally forgot...

He also gets pissed of at my mum if my mum doesn't tell him when someones birthday is coming up but they aren't even together 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't want her grandparents to dote on her so to speak, it would just be nice to get a text asking how she is etc or see her more than 1/2 times a year!

I think it annoys me even more because her aunty is hundreds of miles away but facetimes her regularly and really puts the effort in so she knows who she is and DD loves her to bits!

so what a grand parent had to be reminded? It's not such a big deal.

My children are now teenagers, Sadly my husbands’ parents died when they were little (and also lived 4hrs away). My parents lived close by but just didn’t seem interested. I was so disappointed as I’d hoped for family days out and the love and warmth grandparents can offer. It never happened (despite me asking for them to show some interest). Now they’ve reached teenage years my mum is asking them to go round and visit (my son can drive). To take his girlfriend round to meet them etc etc It’s too little, too late. My kids don’t have a bond with them and there are other people they’d like to spend their time with. I’m now starting to look forward, my kids are already asking if we’d be able to have beach holidays together with their future families etc It’s their loss. We’re building the next family generation and so far it feels positive.

I guess it just shows everyone's family is different, growing up we always made an effort to see family around their birthday. Iv also always seen my DM with her grandchildren so that probably didn't help as she always puts the effort in with her GC.

Yanbu to be disappointed, I would definitely not have them round when the new baby arrives.

I learned that with DD1, lots of family suddenly interested in seeing us when she was born and most I haven't seen again since and she's now 4! It was DDs birthday recently and she didn't get a single card or happy birthday message from DHs side of the family or from my paternal side (which is huge, lots of aunts, uncles and cousins).

She has 3 living grandparents and 1 great grandparent, only my mum and grandma have any contact and are great with DD, they see her lots and my mum has DD sleep over once a week- it's worth so much more than any half arsed relationships she might have with anyone else. It doesn't stop me being disappointed that my entire paternal family cut us out after my dad and nana died, they'd been in my life so I notice but DD doesn't care as she doesn't know any different.

Many GPs feel like they’ve raised their kids and they just want to be left to enjoy their lives. They’re not bothered about grandchildren. There’s always the risk of being lumbered with having to do free childcare!

@SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver I am sure my dad would be pretty pissed of if I forgot his birthday..

@jenthehen thats very true, DH & I always say our upbringing has helped us become better parents our self ☺️

, it would just be nice to get a text asking how she is etc or see her more than 1/2 times a year!

That works both ways though. How often do you make contact with them? How often do you visit them?

If your not close your not close and you can’t force that.

Op, I’ve still got to remind my brother when it’s nearby my mums birthday and he’s 48. Hrs crap with dates and just doesn’t think.

Of course yanbu to be pissed off.
Some people make rubbish grandparents.
I dont know why they bother to have kids in the first place if they have nothing to do with them when they are older including their own grandchildren.

It used to really bother me that my inlaws didnt bother with my kids ( they havent even bothered to meet them.)
Now though I just think its not the quantity of people children have in their lives but the quality. Some people just arent worth getting upset over as they have nothing in them to benefit your kids.
Flaky, useless, uncaring people are people that you need to keep a distance from.
You sound very caring as is your Mum thats all those kids need.

@codenameduchess I am very thankful she has an amazing aunty & uncle that love her very much even if it is through the phone 😄

@Skittlenommer None of our family have ever been asked to do childcare, I think your right though they are just not interested in being grandparents!

@Sirzy DH rings FIL and speaks to him regularly, we stopped going round because he has 3 large dogs thats always jump up at DD and there is no were to sit, but even when we did go round they didn't return the favour.. I go to DM regularly and see my DF probably once a week when he is there. I always send them all pics and updates on DD about pre-school etc.

@PinkCrayon Thank you 😌 DH parents were rubbish from what iv heard when he and his siblings were growing up so I don't know why I expected them to bother with DD!

Some people don't know how to be good grandparents. That's the long and short of it really. Perhaps they didn't have good grandparents or perhaps the dynamics changed. Either way, it's their loss.

My granny was mortified that she forgot my birthday, rang me 4 days later, so apologetic.

Now, the rest of the story is that I’m 47, she’s 98 and she has 15 grandkids & great grandkids. She’s allowed to get a bit mixed up!

At my DD’s age, I had 4 caring grandparents and 2 caring ggrandparents. All she has is self-involved relatives on both sides who couldn’t care less (and my granny who tries her best from 16,000kms away).

I feel sad that with all the ‘new’ ways to communicate, our family unit is still so effectively small. No matter, I’ll do my best and you will too. We’ll give our girls a secure fun childhood, even if it kills us!

Ugh. You sound like hard work.

I go to DM regularly and see my DF probably once a week when he is there. I always send them all pics and updates on DD about pre-school etc.

I suspect this makes them all feel they are interested and involved in your DD. Unfortunately their worlds don’t revolve around her. It would be sad if they all ignored her birthday but to be fair that hasn’t actually happened? Work with what you have and continue to send your updates and perhaps a little reminder about her birthday (have you actually invited any of them over for this?)

GPS do come in all shapes. Luckily you have one who is properly involved and, if you see your DF weekly presumably he’s pretty present too?