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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 4 weeks old.. alcohol?

31 replies

differentnames · 18/08/2019 00:15

I have nc for this as it is embarrassing really

DS is four weeks old and is the love of my life. Spent the first two weeks in hospital, pretty traumatic delivery and follow up care. Slowly recovering and getting used to home life, bliss compared to hospital

Celebrated with one glass of Prosecco when we got him home. Since then, that's been it for me! I have no desire at all to drink anything more. Nor do I want to leave DS's side for any longer than five minutes at the moment.

DH, on the other hand...
went out while in the hospital, couldn't contact until next morning
Been out for 8 hours or more twice in the last week
Insists on one or two beers to wind down at night, even when promises night feed duty
Drove the car with DS in it on 2 pints and little sleep

By no means an alcoholic and is a good dad but I I feel this needs to stop, though apparently I'm at fault because I'm being a nag! It's really affecting our relationship and I don't know if I can move past the childishness and irresponsibility

Aibu to ask him to quit the drink or I have to consider not leaving him with our son? Or leaving with our son?

We are both FT parents so this behaviour is even more irresponsible as neither of us had a clue what to do until a month ago!!

Also wonder if I'm the only one to feel like a single parent in the relationship after baby was born

Thanks and sorry for long post!

OP posts:
Chocolate35 · 18/08/2019 00:19

You tell him that neither you nor your son will be in his car after alcohol. Give him an ultimatum and if he chooses alcohol you need to protect your son and get out of this relationship. That’s awful behaviour for a new dad! I’d report him if I knew he was drink driving too, for his sake and everyone else’s.

MojoMoon · 18/08/2019 00:20

He is an alcoholic.

You need to talk to Al Anon, the support network for families of alcoholics, and learn about what is a normal, healthy relationship skn alcohol and what is not and find support aboit what to do next.

RosesAndRaindrops · 18/08/2019 00:21

No that's not on Sad
Like a drink or several myself and so does DH but to be out for hours and non contactable?
Especially with a newborn?!
No.
Then just seen your drove your 4 wk old after 2 pints and not much sleep..... WTAF.
That's not being a nag to point out he;s being an irresponsible arse, sorry.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 18/08/2019 00:21

I'd be packing his bags OP. He's clearly got a problem.

frasersmummy · 18/08/2019 00:25

When. Did you become aware of drink driving.. Was it after the fact
If you were there and let it happen you are as responsible.
I couldn't be with someone who drinks and drives...there is no excuse for. That behaviour

bambalaya · 18/08/2019 00:28

The driving would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 00:30

@frasersmummy I was in the car at the time but wasn't told about the 2 pints until we were pulling into our driveway!!

Otherwise I would not have got into the car I can assure you

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 18/08/2019 00:30

What was his drinking like before? Drink driving is totally unacceptable at any time. Were you in the car with him when that happened?

I don’t think one or two beers a night necessarily means he is an alcoholic, and I don’t think he needs to become tee total. It’s obvious he isn’t behaving like a partner would at the moment. I’d focus on that rather than getting him to totally stop drinking. Him having one beer and actually being there for you both would be a win wouldn’t it?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 18/08/2019 00:30

What, has he suddenly started drinking when your dc was born??

How odd.

He’s being really crap. Driving over the limit - never mind your dc, he could kill other innocent people!

Talk to him.

Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 00:35

@PurpleDaisies yes I'm more upset over the fact that at the moment when he drinks, even two, I feel the need to be on higher alert and that impacts my sleep etc. He knows this and yet will still have a couple when in from work.

Considering we were in hospital for so long and it was such an alien experience, we technically have a 2 week old at home, which is why I'm even mor angry over the situation.

Not asking to be teetotal forever, but at least until we are in a routine and possibly better rested!

OP posts:
Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 00:36

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting

Always liked a drink. Previously would have six minimum of a weekend evening at home. Not sure how much when out.

I just don't see why it is necessary so soon after we've gotten our son home

OP posts:
Casmama · 18/08/2019 00:50

It sounds like your partners drinking has not changed. I can understand why you might hope that your child's birth might change things but it doesn't sound like it t has

Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 01:16

@Casmama the behaviour never bothered me before!

The worst part is being made to feel like I am the unreasonable one

OP posts:
OctoberLovers · 18/08/2019 01:19

"Drove the car with DS in it on 2 pints and little sleep" ...

Sorry, but that isnt being a good dad!

Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 04:08

@OctoberLovers I know it's not really Sad

Not sure why I even posted, I know I'm in a terrible situation and need to get out. Tried to confront him prior to most recent event, only to be told I am nagging and being overprotective

Need to know how to word it with him as I'm clearly failing to get my point across!

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 18/08/2019 04:40

Drove the car with DS in it on 2 pints and little sleep

This is an accident waiting to happen, he will fall asleep at the wheel and it only takes once to be involved in a serious collision.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 18/08/2019 05:09

Drove the car with DS in it on 2 pints and little sleep

Fuck no. And if he was pulled over in Scotland it’s a ban outright.

YANBU to ask he pauses the booze as you need all the support you can get your hands on right now and with a drink in him you can’t be sure he won’t do something like drop the baby - it happens anyway but alcohol slows your reaction times.

With a wriggly little baby that’s dangerous.

Perhaps I’m projecting but your DH sounds like a selfish bastard. I would feel so upset and let down if after a traumatic delivery and TWO WEEKS in hospital (was your baby in SCBU?) my DH did this. Granted, after a stressful two weeks of fatherhood he fancied a couple of jars and left you with support (mum, MIL, other) then fine.

This is not on.

I would seriously suggest you consider asking him to leave if he doesn’t stop the booze immediately and for a guaranteed two weeks say. After the experiences you’ve been through you shouldn’t be leaving the sanctuary of your home with all the stuff you need. If he can’t get a grip then it needs to be him that goes.

The first weeks with a new baby are precious, stressful, amazing, tiring, wondrous, upsetting, and generally a headfuck in the good and the bad.

I would struggle to forgive my DH if he had done this to me in the early weeks.

Good luck. A lot of what I’ve typed is easier said than done and don’t forget health visitors, midwives and your GP are there to support you too. Use them if need be.

Wisheverydaywasfriday · 18/08/2019 05:29

Utterly selfish behaviour. You need to put yourself and baby first. He’d rather go out and get drunk, than spend time with his new little family? Is this how you want to go on, because if you don’t address this now, it will continue/get worse. Don’t tolerate this, completely unacceptable.

Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 05:46

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut yes, SCBU for him and Mat ward for me. My DH was honestly a dream whilst in hospital, there for the whole time except when I forced him home for some sleep. Which is also when he then went out and I couldn't connect him for several hours, got invited for few drinks to celebrate and that was that.

I am lucky really that I have been blessed with a really easygoing baby. Otherwise I'm not sure what I would do for support. Will definitely be getting the healthcare professionals involved for support if needed, thanks for your reply

OP posts:
1300cakes · 18/08/2019 07:28

Going to disagree here. If he was drink driving, that's not on obviously.

But the other things aren't that bad. A beer in the evening? So what? A lot of people have a drink with dinner to relax. And he could still very easily and safely get up for night feeds after one beer hours ago. If he's using it as an excuse, that's a different thing. But if you are saying "no one can come near my pfb if they have had even a drop of alcohol in the last 24 hours" then you are overreacting.

The going out - he's been out three times in four weeks. That's not really that much, is it? Unless there is some back story like you were having a terrible time that day and were crying and begging him not to go, and he did anyway. It's an exaggeration to say you feel like a single parent because the man has left the house 3x.

Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 07:50

@1300cakes

I have asked him not to drink for the moment when doing night feeds as he finds it so difficult to get up as it is, a beer won't help. My recovery is also very slow so I do need him at home and not down the pub.

Of course I'm not being that precious about it. I said in my OP that I had Prosecco the day we got home.

OP posts:
Original poster
differentnames · 18/08/2019 07:58

Also just to clarify. DH hasn't only left the house 3 times in 3 weeks. All paternity leave was used while we were in hospital, so went back to work the day after we got home.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 18/08/2019 08:04

Drove the car with DS in it on 2 pints and little sleep
He is as good dad
No he is not. A good dad doesnt drive their wife and newborn child while over the limit, or disappear for whole days (8hours!) at a time on a regular basis.

GiveMeHope103 · 18/08/2019 08:10

It sounds like you are in denial about his drinking. He sounds like he is an alcoholic and has always been!
This is the time these issues need to be addressed because he is out of control now. He drove with his tiny baby after drinking! He didnt care enough about the safety of you both- he has a big problem.

PullingMySocksUp · 18/08/2019 08:12

I wouldn’t mention the drinking, more the not doing his share with the baby. I know they’re kind of the same thing.

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