To want someone to talk to regarding my anxiety?

[anxiety2019]

Not sure what I want from this post but I need to vent and get my feelings out somewhere as I have no one to talk to about it in real life

I've struggled with anxiety for years. Since I was high school age - I'm now mid 20s.

I've been on medication, currently Citalopram 20mg but it's not working anymore. I've got to wait until Monday until I can see a doctor, but the anxiety is worsening and it's becoming debilitating.

I'm starting to wonder if it's not anxiety anymore and in fact something else.

I feel unhappy a lot of the time. I have a beautiful young baby but I feel like the worst mum, simply because I don't have the energy or patience whilst I'm feeling like this. A lot of the time I don't want to do anything except curl up in bed and stay there all day, obviously I can't do this though because I have to look after my baby. I often refuse help from others because I know I would feel terribly guilty leaving DS. So then I get frustrated because I can't relax. It's a cycle that happens over and over again.

I get angry easily. At my family members and at my partner. Really angry, so much so, that it takes me a couple of days to calm down. I can't see past my anger and often become unreasonable and can't see anybody else's point of view.

I've started to have terrible thoughts. Of my family members dying. These thoughts often turn into dreams (or should I say nightmares). Horrible and violent dreams of death. Most recent example, had a dream last night that SIL was violently murdered in their new home. Another one, had a dream my partner was found dead on the bathroom floor. They are so real and feel so vivid that I wake up feeling so distressed.

I feel like my life is spiralling out of control. I know that nobody can help me on here, but I needed somewhere to say this out loud until I see my GP on Monday.

That does sound like it could be anxiety tbh. I have been similar at certain stages in my life. Although I do have a diagnosis of bipolar.
Also I don’t know much about it, but I know OCD sufferers have intrusive thoughts.

@Pomegranateseeds Haven't thought about bipolar or OCD. What symptoms did you have for bipolar?

@Pomegranateseeds bipolar didn't cross my mind as I don't have the mood swings. I never have a "high", I just feel constantly low.

Have you tried being on sertraline? My gp put me on it a couple of weeks ago along side diazepam (to take if needed) and it's definitely started to help.

@CrispPacket I haven't. I do feel like my medication needs to be changed.. don't know how much longer I can live like this 💔

I also spend a lot of money (often of which I don't have), to make myself feel better. The two are definitely connected.

.

Yes, you probably need your meds tweaking.
Bipolar...gosh, the story is a bit endless really but I had 2/3 periods of moderate to severe depression 15-20 yrs ago, and whilst on antidepressants I behaved very recklessly - shoplifting, inappropriate relationships, drugs, dangerous behaviour,and at the same time also anxious, low self esteem, not sleeping and having nightmares, intrusive thoughts sleeptalking/walking, waking up crying...although I wasn’t low or depressed.
I took lithium along with my antidepressants for a few years but have been med-free for 10+ yrs now.

Sorry if this is a bit vague, it’s quite complicated! I’m not saying I think you’ve got bipolar, just that those symptoms can be part of a few wider issues.

Oh yes and overspending..

I totally feel your pain. I've had a relationship breakdown the past few days so totally at rock bottom again but the sertraline was definitely helping prior. I'm putting my brave pants on and going to see a psychotherapist next week for the first time. Have you thought about something like that?

Vent on here, to friends, just get it out.
I struggle with anxiety and suffer with nightmares, Google dream dictionary and see what your dreams mean, it always makes me feel a bit better when I do that. Hang in there OP, you’ll get there.

There’s not a great amount on the internet but Gestalt dream therapy is a great way to look at what dreams mean...basically every part of a dream, the setting, the people, weather? Tablecloth? Is a part of you. It means something to you. It is not as sim0le as “horrible dream = I’m awful for dreaming that”
Anxiety is overwhelming. Keep reaching out, you can make it through.

Thanks all you lovely people for replying. It's made me very teary that people have taken the time out to actually reply to me

I have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression and have these symptoms, including dreams and spending. Just had a meds change, from 40mg Citalopram to a combination of Venlafaxine and Mirtazapine, and helping a lot. Talking also helps. I promise there will be something out there to help you feel better! Be totally honest with your doctor and tell them everything, so they know how bad you feel.

Also I found I had horrendeous vivid dreams whilst taking citalopram

Thanks @user1470132907 I'm really hoping they can help me

@CrispPacket They are so bad

You poor thing. The GP will help you. It's is a mental illness and not a reflection on you, your baby or the relationship you have with your baby. Glad you are seeing them on Monday. CBT is worth looking into. I was on a long waiting list for therapy but in the mean time I bought a CBT self help book and honestly some of the ideas in it really did help me. If you can afford to go private and afford the wait this may be worth considering.

Thank you @Sunshine93. Really appreciate your reply. I'd love to have counselling but I can't afford it privately so I guess I will have to try other methods. It would do me the world of good speaking to somebody about what's going on inside my head

Hi OP. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. It can be tough without a diagnosis too, when you think something else is going on. I’ve suspected I’m bipolar for a long time but I also have seizures and the medication I’m on treats both. I’ve never tried to seek diagnoses for bipolar (or anything mental health related), mostly because I’ve been scared to. I’ve been stable for a few years now and I dread it creeping back.

Just wanted to say I think you’re very brave for posting on here about it, and I’m glad you’re going to the doctor.

Aw thank you @Writersblock2 ❤️ sending love and good wishes to you.

So sorry you're having such a rough time. A lot of health authorities prioritise Mums with babies for CBT especially if they're under a year old so definitely ask your GP on Monday. It would help any Post Natel Depression as well. Take care of yourself and keep asking for support, don't let them fob you off. X

@JBKH thank you, that's handy to know. I will go and explain everything to my GP Monday. I'm so desperate for help 💔

It sounds like post natal depression to me. Did it worsen after having the baby?

You can self refer to your local IAPT team for CBT for anxiety. Just google for their number. Within the one year postnatal period you’ll be expedited on the waiting list to the top, so you could be starting therapy within a couple of weeks.