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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just show up at the coffee shop and drop the kids off?

40 replies

Ruinningmyday · 17/08/2019 20:19

Ex picks the kids up Saturday afternoon and drops them off Sunday evening. He also picks the kids up from school few times a week, they have dinner at his and he drops them off 6.30pm. He lives 15 mins from me.

So every Saturday morning he does a sport from 9am-11. Once he’s finished, he has lunch at a nearby coffee shop with his gf. After lunch, that’s when he usually comes to pick the kids up, around 2pm. Today he came at 3:10pm. He’s always late, 5-10 mins here and there, I don’t mind. But that is rare, 9 out of 10 he’s 1-3 hours late. It’s hard for me to arrange my day when I don’t know when he’s coming to pick them up. He sits there in the coffee shop with his gf (I know this, because he takes pictures of his food and I can see her in the background) couldn’t give a shit about anyone’s else time. I’m sick of it, and the dcs are tired of waiting, constantly asking when is daddy coming?

So AIBU to just drop show up at the coffee shop and drop the kids off with him there? Is that too passive aggressive? I have a feeling doing this every time he’s late, would make him be on time as he wouldn’t like me showing up like that. The coffee shop is literally less than 10 mins from me, and round the corner from his house. So it’s all in the area, yet he’s hours late which pisses me off. I’m sick of him taking his time like he hasn’t got anywhere else to go , whilst the dcs are sitting there dressed and ready to go.

OP posts:
opinionatedfreak · 17/08/2019 20:24

Go out.

Send text “Dear Ex, I had an commitment this afternoon. You didn’t collect the children as planned at Y time so they have come with me. I’ll drop them at your house at 6pm”

Then turn up at 7pm.

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/08/2019 20:38

How old are they? If old enough, they could walk round and meet him at two.
Otherwise, tell him what the kids say when he doesn't show on time and how it upsets them when his tardiness eats into their daddy time.

cakeandchampagne · 17/08/2019 20:55

Without a good reason (and even with, only rarely), it seems like at 30 minutes late you could text him and cancel.

Thehop · 17/08/2019 20:57

Not unreasonable

PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya · 17/08/2019 21:01

Not unreasonable. I agree with one pp who said to take them out with you if that suits your plans. If it doesn’t then drop them to the coffee shop. You have a right to a life, OP. That life shouldn’t involve waiting around for him.

summersherewishiwasnt · 17/08/2019 21:04

Do not wait around for him. Text to say pick them up at xxx time be side you have to be somewhere. Wait 20 minutes at the most and then go out. Or go the coffee shop and “bump” into him. He is being ridiculous.

VenusTiger · 17/08/2019 21:21

What kind of parent wants their kids pining for them in the window for 2 hours feeling like they’re not wanted!

He’s a selfish prick and he needs telling by the kids directly that they feel unwanted when he doesn’t bother showing up for hours!

Disgraceful games. Hope you’re okay OP, having to pick up the pieces all the time.

missyB1 · 17/08/2019 21:23

Play him at his own game. Don’t be there when he eventually turns up and make him wait a couple of hours. Tell him what’s sauce for the goose ....

DamnShesaSexyChick · 17/08/2019 21:26

You need to talk to him about this like an adult

Crybabyghoul · 17/08/2019 21:30

I'm not sure you should do that - I know that if that had happened to me when I was a child (I also come from a broken home) that it would probably make me feel even worse. I'd feel like I'd just been 'dumped' onto him rather than him wanting to pick me up. If he continues to act like this though the kids are going to grow up feeling very unwanted, I think they pick up on so much! He really should make more of an effort.

I agree with previous posters you should just go out but not tell him and then drop them off later at his house.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 17/08/2019 21:33

What an arse he is.

I agree you shouldn't wait for him.

Have a conversation make it clear that if he doesn't pick them up by 2:30pm you're not obligated to wait for him. Offer him the option of the children being dropped off to him at the coffee shop at 2:15, or assuming he's cancelled. Make it clear that you're doing him a favour facilitating contact by offering to drop them to him despite him letting the children down.

Make it about letting the children down not about inconveniencing you, because he might want to inconvenience you but only the world's biggest arse hole would deliberately let his children down when he has a choice.

YouJustDoYou · 17/08/2019 21:34

Talk to him, no? Don;t be playing these games. It;s not fair on the kids - both him, and you just dropping them off and subjecting them to what I would imagine would be both his and gf's pissed-off-ness. If he can;t be a good dad and turn up on time, you;re fully within your rights to not put yours and the children's lives on hold waiting around. I spent my childhood waiting around for a dad that would turn up hours late. My mum never put her foot down, and we ended up waiting around.

gymbunny123 · 17/08/2019 21:37

Oh this is really sad :( he could be picking the kids up then them all having lunch in the coffee shop together not stringing it out and putting it off.

Singinginshower · 17/08/2019 21:42

Agree others about with talking with your ex. Would pushing the pick up time to 3pm work for you both?

InfiniteSheldon · 17/08/2019 21:44

If he's posting pics from the coffee shop post pics in comments of the kids sad faces pressed against window waiting for him with a caption stating how late he is. With any luck the Daily Mail will pick it up too

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2019 21:47

If he can't even txt u why should you or dc wait? You are being too soft

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2019 21:49

Presume he's not late for school pick up, so he can do it. Just taking you for granted. Does he know it upsets dc. I would stop having them ready, make him wait and ask them if they still want to go.

bobsyourauntie · 17/08/2019 21:55

Agree a set time with him and if he’s not there by then, then take them to the coffee shop.

RoomR0613 · 17/08/2019 21:56

I think Saturday brunch at the coffee shop is a lovely family tradition you and DC might want to start this week.

What a lovely surprise it will be when daddy arrives too. Very jolly and cordial all round Grin

Sunflowers211 · 17/08/2019 21:57

I would, my ex was always late especially when picking kids up from mine, so I arranged to meet him in a neutral place, or drop them off at his just so he would not ruin the whole day. He knew what he was doing, all to control me, so yes take the control back and drop them off at 12 every time.

JeanieJardine55 · 17/08/2019 22:00

Don’t call them to get ready until he arrives. Tell him they won’t be wasting their Saturday sitting, ready to go, for two hours. Otherwise he could have them every other weekend and just do his sport on the alternate weekend.

itswinetime · 17/08/2019 22:01

I agree with pp I would state unless he was at the house by ex time you and the children will carry on with your day and may not be there and I would make sure each time he is late you aren't there and he can pick the kids up from wherever you if that is convenient to you. I think he will change his ways much quicker that way than you making his life easier so he can pay no attention to time faffing around instagramming his food 🙄

Modestandatinybitsexy · 17/08/2019 22:01

If he eats there every Saturday could you not be there having lunch before they get there and then "what a coincidence! I have their bags in the car..."

NoSauce · 17/08/2019 22:03

How do you know he’s in the coffee shop? How and why do you see pictures of the food he’s having?
I don’t think YABU OP, I’m just curious how you know the above.

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2019 22:06

I think that would be a horrible situation for the kids to find themselves in, if you just dropped them off like that.

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