To just show up at the coffee shop and drop the kids off?

[Ruinningmyday]

Ex picks the kids up Saturday afternoon and drops them off Sunday evening. He also picks the kids up from school few times a week, they have dinner at his and he drops them off 6.30pm. He lives 15 mins from me.

So every Saturday morning he does a sport from 9am-11. Once he’s finished, he has lunch at a nearby coffee shop with his gf. After lunch, that’s when he usually comes to pick the kids up, around 2pm. Today he came at 3:10pm. He’s always late, 5-10 mins here and there, I don’t mind. But that is rare, 9 out of 10 he’s 1-3 hours late. It’s hard for me to arrange my day when I don’t know when he’s coming to pick them up. He sits there in the coffee shop with his gf (I know this, because he takes pictures of his food and I can see her in the background) couldn’t give a shit about anyone’s else time. I’m sick of it, and the dcs are tired of waiting, constantly asking when is daddy coming?

So AIBU to just drop show up at the coffee shop and drop the kids off with him there? Is that too passive aggressive? I have a feeling doing this every time he’s late, would make him be on time as he wouldn’t like me showing up like that. The coffee shop is literally less than 10 mins from me, and round the corner from his house. So it’s all in the area, yet he’s hours late which pisses me off. I’m sick of him taking his time like he hasn’t got anywhere else to go , whilst the dcs are sitting there dressed and ready to go.

I think it's fair enough if he has them every weekend - as well as through the week - that he should have his own life. BUT he is going about this all wrong. It's not fair on you or the children to be kept waiting like this, and how very unsettling for them in particular.
Do you think you could discuss a later time that would work for him, that he would actually adhere to? Or is he likely to be late no matter what?

I'd take them to the coffee shop as I would want my own time to do things I'd planned on my own without the kids. I think posters who say take them with you if he doesn't turn up don't mind having the kids for the extra time. Horses for courses.

Have you talked to him about it and said that it’s interrupting your plans and things need to change? Because that, surely, is the starting point?

I also would not dump them at the coffee shop.for their sales not his.
Discuss it with him and tell him how upset the dc are and that you need to make your own plans.
In future of he is not there on time ,you and the dc will be out.
Then carry it out of he tests you.
He needs to grow up and become a dad.
for you for having to hold things together all the time op.dc aren't stupid,they know who genuinely gives them constant love and support

I like Room's idea.

@NoSauce Facebook presumably.

Presume he's not late for school pick up,

He knows what he's doing, and he knows he can't be late for school pickups, but on Saturday they're just 'at home with me'. So he feels he can take the piss.

@NoSauce I know this because this is something he's done for a while, always having lunch at the same coffee shop after his sport. So he will text me " just having lunch, will pick the kids up at 2pm" or " just having lunch, will go shopping then pick the kids up at 5pm" etc. He will then go on to post pictures of his lunch on WhatsApp status and Facebook And I'm sitting there looking at it whilst my kids are waiting for him, annoys the hell out of me.

*I think Saturday brunch at the coffee shop is a lovely family tradition you and DC might want to start this week.

What a lovely surprise it will be when daddy arrives too. Very jolly and cordial all round*

Love this

Ha brilliant! Except he probably wouldn’t care by the sounds of it.

Go out. Send text “Dear Ex, I had an commitment this afternoon. You didn’t collect the children as planned at Y time so they have come with me. I’ll drop them at your house at 6pm”Then turn up at 7pm

This is your kids - do what is right for them, not what scores points with your ex. You know he is being a dick so when he is in the café pick up the phone and hold him accountable. If he doesn't answer - text him. If he continues to let his kids down then go back to court and have his access changed. There is no reason to make this into a community circus - it will be your kids who suffer.

is he only really late when with the gf? if so I would be asking why because it may be her trying to get more time with him.

Don’t do this. As a child of divorce my dad was always late but luckily my mother never let us know it inconvenienced her. Don’t make you kids feel the pain of being embarrassed at the coffee shop. Go out and text him you’ve had to take the kids as he’s late. Say you’ll drop off at 6 and drop off at 7 like previous comment. Take back the power. Cancelling will be too aggressive and will escalate

You need to explain to him that he cannot continue to keep the children waiting around. Therefore, you will make plans that, if he is late, will include them and he can see them on the next scheduled occasion or later the same day if that suits the children better..

The next time he is more than 15 mins late, go out and do something lovely with the children, be bright and breezy about it and make it really positive for them.

No, you can do better than that. Start dropping them off at his house st 8:30🤣 then not being hime until later on Sunday.

So sometimes they are waiting around till 5pm on the Saturday? That's shit. I would text saying you're going away this weekend so you'll drop them off at 1PM at his house. Start dictating the time back to him.

I think it's entirely reasonable that he has a set time. None of this 'I'm doing the shopping so it's 5pm'. No, he picks them up at 2 and they go with him.. You know , normal family life. You are entitled to a life and plans etc too. Getting him to do it though, especially if, as you say, he's doing it deliberately is harder than it sounds.