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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be sure why this doesn’t sit right with me?

32 replies

MaxAndBillie · 17/08/2019 19:35

I met up with a friend today and she mentioned about looking up someone on Facebook (who’s partner had been murdered) and leaving them a comment on their page of condolences.

They didn’t know this person. Neither did the other 200+ people who left a message. The person is also just a regular person and hasn’t put themselves out publicly.

I don’t know why it sits uneasy with me. I just hope this person finds some form of comfort in those messages.

OP posts:
iklboo · 17/08/2019 19:53

It's grief vampirism.

BooseysMom · 17/08/2019 19:57

It's grief vampirism

Yeah it is i'm afraid..it's weird.

NoSauce · 17/08/2019 19:58

That’s just weird. Why would anyone do that?

ParkheadParadise · 17/08/2019 20:00

My dd was murdered.

Some of the shit posted on SM was unreal.
A public FB page had comments from people claiming they knew what happened to her, and also knew the family, it was all a load of bullshit.

BogglesGoggles · 17/08/2019 20:01

If that was me I would be so annoyed I’d set up a go fund me to pay for therapy associates with the trauma of being harassed by strangers and direct the link to randoms who messaged me.

LochJessMonster · 17/08/2019 20:01

Lissie Harper? I admit I looked her up on fb, but I was weirded out by the 200+ comments from strangers. I know they think they are doing a nice thing but it’s a bit weird and probably not what she wants right now.

Mypetsnails · 17/08/2019 20:05

It's weird and distasteful

Crunchymum · 17/08/2019 20:13

@ParkheadParadise

So sorry to her about your DS Flowers

Crunchymum · 17/08/2019 20:13

Fuck sorry for the typo DD

MissB83 · 17/08/2019 20:19

I went to have a look to see these comments. Very weird! They are either completely inane and pointless or bordering on offensive. As if she gives a shit about what random person X has to say. It is very tasteless to put on a stranger's social media that you know how they must be feeling at the loss of their new husband... no, you probably don't! We live in a very odd culture if people think this is appropriate.

diddlesticks · 17/08/2019 20:24

I don't know why people felt the need to comment. Maybe as the news story (assuming op means the lady mentioned up thread) just profoundly touched some people they felt the need to pass condolences. Is it a bit like when people used to attend strangers funerals only in a less extreme way? I would understand if others from versions police forces are commenting though, and wouldn't find that odd.

MrsExpo · 17/08/2019 20:26

I can see why that might make you feel uncomfortable. I agree could be seen as a bit intrusive given your friend didn’t know the people involved.

But, having said that, folk on here quite reasonably often offer condolences when a poster mentions having lost a loved one (see above) and that is seen as a caring and considerate. I’ve done it myself on occasion and genuinely meant it when I said how sorry I was to hear of their loss, even though I don’t know the people involved. It’s simply as way of expressing empathy and making the people involved aware that others actually care about what’s happened.

I think this is about what was said, how it was said and the intent behind the message.

iklboo · 17/08/2019 20:30

Offering condolences on here is a bit different to actively seeking out a bereaved woman on Facebook though.

ConorMcGregorsChin · 17/08/2019 20:32

This is why I don't do Facebook.
Some people will feel obliged and think they are being respectful.

Most folk on social media are (unknowingly) Voyeurs.

KB197 · 17/08/2019 20:33

I think sometimes people do genuinely sad for others when something terrible happens even when they don’t know them but I think commenting on the relatives personal Facebook is a bit odd tbh. If you want to leave a message perhaps do it on a public post about the incident? Idk 🤷‍♀️

What annoys me is that when somebody dies and somebody who only knew them a little (like perhaps a friend of s friend or someone they’ve met once briefly) instantly was their best friend and splashes all over social media how much they will miss them when they didn’t give a crap about the person before their death!

Craftycorvid · 17/08/2019 20:34

I struggle with this too. Whilst I’ve felt moved to leave a brief message on MN at times, actually seeking out a bereaved person’s fb page to join in the experience strikes me as odd. There will be genuine people who want to reach out, and troubled cruel ones who want to cause further harm. It does feel to be more about the person leaving the message tbh.

Craftycorvid · 17/08/2019 20:35

I mean leave a message if someone has posted about loss.

needanappp · 17/08/2019 20:35

I think if something pops up on your newsfeed (as it has obviously been public and was intended to be so by the poster) then it's fine. People can be touched by other people's experiences. Actively seeking out a bereaved woman's personal page though is weird and I don't think I'd appreciate it if god forbid it was my page!

GabsAlot · 17/08/2019 20:35

Its very weird im surprised she hasnt locked down her fb but then shes got bigger things going on i hope people leave her alone

ParkheadParadise · 17/08/2019 20:37

When my dd died, I had 40+ friends requests on FB within 48hrs.

daisyboocantoo · 17/08/2019 20:58

@ParkheadParadise I'm so sorry for your loss

Annonymiss123 · 17/08/2019 21:07

I’m very sorry to read about your DD @ParkheadParadise

MoodLighting · 17/08/2019 21:08

That's grim Parkhead. Though I don't know why I'm surprised. I'm really sorry that your DD was taken from you.

TheresWaldo · 17/08/2019 21:10

Friend requests Parkhead? Jesus - what goes through people's heads? That must have been so upsetting for you.

mcmooberry · 17/08/2019 21:12

One thing that strikes me though is that people sometimes comment that the outpouring of support from the general public is a huge help when something awful has happened and how would you contact someone other than tracking them down on FB?