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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so bloody angry right now.

27 replies

Troubleshooot · 17/08/2019 17:06

NC as this is v outing.

Separated with SBTXH after discovering he’d had cheated on me in the most disgusting, vile way, when I was heavily pregnant. Found out years later but a ton of lies followed before I got to the truth. It was the worst time of my life when I found out.

Finally getting my life back together and out of the dark place I was in.

I am in a much more financially comfortable position than him and before I found out what he’d done, we had a fantastic life with lots of fun outings and travel. My financial position comes from years of bloody hard work, while he worked half the hours with no stress, enjoying all the great things my hard work brought.

Now, I’m continuing to do the fun stuff and travel with the kids. We’ve had to tighten our belts a bit but I’m making sure they still enjoy much of the same life we had before.

Well he kicked up a massive fuss last night when I said I wanted to take them away over Easter (we had a fab summer holiday. He also took them away but on a much smaller budget).

Apparently it’s not fair that I can give them all these great experiences and he can’t afford to.

I’d argue it’s not fair that he messed our lives up because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. I was always faithful, loving, generous and devoted.

I’m not taking the kids on holidays to one-up him, I’m doing it because I want to continue having the same lovely life, with many happy adventures, like we did before, despite the fact their dad turned out to be a philandering arsehole.

I certainly don’t want to work my backside off and then be stuck at home during the school holidays to spare his feelings. He hardly gave our feelings a thought when he was putting it about while I was growing his child in my body!

Am I missing something here or is he taking the absolute piss to be annoyed about me taking the kids away??

Soooooo angry.

Should add - because we aren’t divorcing yet, we don’t have any official custody arrangement and we’ve both been quite flexible with one another since we split (9 months ago). I do know that the situation may change if we had a proper custody arrangement,

OP posts:

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 17/08/2019 17:08

He can’t veto you taking the kids on holiday. What a prat.

TheInvestigator · 17/08/2019 17:09

Honestly, I would send him that message. Almost word for word. But I'm quite impulsive and can never keep my mouth shut!

Ginger1982 · 17/08/2019 17:11

He's being an arse.

growlingbear · 17/08/2019 17:13

He's a sulking tosser who has no right to veto what you do.

Byorderofthepeakyblinders · 17/08/2019 17:14

YANBU

Original poster

Troubleshooot · 17/08/2019 17:18

Glad it isn’t just me. I’m not very knowledgeable on the rules around separation, custody etc so I wondered if perhaps there was some etiquette that I wasn’t aware of and I shouldn’t be taking them away without his say so!

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/08/2019 17:20

So basically he wants his children to miss out on fun experiences because of his hurt feelz? What a man-baby!

I think I would ask him directly - “So shall I tell the children they can’t have their holiday because it would hurt your feelings, or do you want to tell them? Grow up!”

MrsTumbletap · 17/08/2019 17:26

They absolutely should have a great life, kids don't see the value or expense in things (when they are young) so they won't think mum is great because she spent loads. They will just think I love spending time with mum.

And even though he was a crappy husband he can still be a good dad even if he spends a weekend in Butlins with them, again children enjoy the time spent together and the fun and attention not the money. He should know that, he probably does but is jealous that the financial comfortable lifestyle isn't part of his lifestyle any more.

Take them and have a great time.

I am intrigued what he did that was so vile and disgusting though. But I'm just being nosy.....

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/08/2019 17:27

Is it a roundabout way of saying he thinks you need to pay more in the divorce settlement or maintenance?

EileenAlanna · 17/08/2019 17:29

Keep doing what you're doing for your DC, no reason why they should suffer.
I'd get prepared for the divorce when it happens though. Have you a solicitor? You need to make sure your finances are protected. He sounds likely to f*ck you up given half a chance.

growlingbear · 17/08/2019 17:30

Well sleeping around while your wife is pregnant is about a slow life as it gets, surely, @MrsTumbletap.

Clayplease · 17/08/2019 17:31

SDTG great response!! I'd do that. He's clearly a complete knob. Maybe he's realising the repercussions of his hideous behaviour....

CassianAndor · 17/08/2019 17:33

Aww, so he hasn’t got the cash to be a full on Disney dad? Shame.

TheBadCop · 17/08/2019 17:34

I wouldn't even discuss this things with him (I am assuming the children live with you). You owe him nothing. Just go on your holiday!

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 17:34

Keep contact strictly about visitation. There is no need to tell him anything else. It’s none of his business.

If you need the kids slightly longer for a holiday, tell him but if he argues just don’t respond. Keep every bit of contact strictly about visitation. Don’t engage him in any other conversation.

TheBadCop · 17/08/2019 17:35

and agree, get a solicitor to make sure you protect yourself financially when the divorce comes through.

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 17:42

Apparently it’s not fair that I can give them all these great experiences and he can’t afford to

Aaaaw poor little manchild.
Although - just a thought - maybe if he'd spent less time dicking about with illicit shagging, & more hours working, he COULD afford to take his kids on better holidays.

He's a twat, OP - it's not you. It's deffo him.

BabyofMine · 17/08/2019 17:42

I’m pretty sure you need his permission to take them out of the country. So that could be a problem wrt foreign hols. Other than that, he can go fuck himself. None of his business.

I’d divorce him ASAP and get proper custody and maintenance things in place though.

GoGoGoGoGo · 17/08/2019 17:45

Apparently it’s not fair that I can give them all these great experiences and he can’t afford to

Wasn’t exactly fair to you that he shagged someone else.

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 18:05

I’m pretty sure you need his permission to take them out of the country

Parent with residence order can take a child out of the country for 28 days without permission.

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2019 18:09

If he has pr as married father you are supposed to get his permission to take them abroad. If no risk of abduction or harm he would be unreasonable not to give it. Let him go to court if hes bothered. He can have a great time taking them camping for next to nothing. Idiot.

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 18:12

If he has pr as married father you are supposed to get his permission to take them abroad

Not if she has a residence order.

Aquickquestionforyou · 17/08/2019 18:12

I smell jealousy, regret and probably buried somewhere underneath it, remorse. TOO LATE LOSER!

Well done OP - you sound like a lovely mum ☺️

aintnothinbutagstring · 17/08/2019 18:17

Parenting isn't a competition, he should be appreciative that at least one of you is able to provide these experiences for your children. But I imagine he feels inadequate and maybe feels like he's missing out on the life he could have shared if he'd not cheated. Ignore and carry on as you are, don't feel bad but I'd not enter into an argument, it's him that needs to deal with his feelings. Hopefully he'll eventually pull up his socks and work harder.

TheBadCop · 17/08/2019 18:43

Parent with residence order can take a child out of the country for 28 days without permission.

I always travel abroad with the DC without DH. in 10 years, not once has anybody asked for some written permission.

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