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Original poster

For her to judge the way I spend my money?

63 replies

TheMessyCleaner · 17/08/2019 15:46

Today I've been cleaning to earn some extra money alongside my day job. My friend is a single mum, same as me, with various income streams, none declared. She gets housing benefit, universal credit and free hours for her son at nursery. I am a home owner so I don't get anything and on a whopping £20,000 a year I don't get free nursery hours for my son.
I've never said that she should work. I've kept my mouth shut when she's told me that she'll get a job after the summer is over so that she doesn't miss out on sunbathing time. I've never said that she shouldn't let her son watch hours of television whilst she charges people for eyelash extensions and spray tans that she does in her spare room.
However today when I told her what I was doing and why (because I'm in £2000 of debt due to my stupid ex) she told me that I need to budget better and that I spoil my children. 'They don't need all those toys, you need to learn that less is more.'
I was stunned as I don't tell her how to spend her money. I work so so hard and my children are the one thing in my life that make everything worthwhile, and they have to deal with being in nursery a lot whilst I work. Everything I have goes to trying to keep them in our lovely house, to take them on holiday once a year and on fun days out. I never have nights out, I don't have my hair, nails or have expensive tattoos. I just live to give them the best.
I just don't know how to move on from this, I feel like we are too different. I am a degree educated cleaner who would rather scrub people's toilets rather than claim anything. Why does it feel like everything I was taught is wrong? How can I have worked hard all my life yet be so broke and she can send her son to nursery whilst she has a day in a spa? I know this might sound judgemental but her disposable income is four times what mine is due to her not officially earning anything! It doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
katsucurry · 17/08/2019 16:53

Ah I see, well hope it works out going forwards. Might be just the extra you need!

ThisMustBeMyDream · 17/08/2019 16:55

OP, what are your childcare costs, are you over 25? And you have 2 children? I can do a UC calculation for you with that information.
You won't be able to get ctc as if you just split up last month. You will need to make a seperate claim and it will be UC.

Original poster
TheMessyCleaner · 17/08/2019 17:13

@ThisMustBeMyDream it's ok, my mum is actually a benefits advisor so she's looking into it for me.
Re: my friend. She wasn't like this when we met. She was a newly single young mum of a baby with no help from the dad at all. She was training to be a nurse and working as a healthcare assistant. I think one day she just thought 'what's the point?' And gave up her job and her course in the same week. She says now that she's the happiest she's ever been.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 17/08/2019 17:19

I think a lot of times the advice to get a degree to give you increased earning power is wrong. I know many degree educated people working in call centres etc while my nephew aged 21 who did an apprenticeship in the building industry is outearning them.

Keep doing your best for yourself and your kids, and maybe look at ending or going low contact in your friendship.

QuitMoaning · 17/08/2019 17:21

I think that it's wrong the way the government force people to work and pay tax when they want to stay home and be with their kids

Am I reading that correctly? How can someone stay home and be with your kids unless people pay tax in order to support them?

nevernotstruggling · 17/08/2019 17:24

If that's true about the speech delay that's the end of the friendship if it was me

NeedingAdvice29 · 17/08/2019 17:27

🙄

DowntonCrabby · 17/08/2019 17:27

Report, or at least take a step back from the friendship, you’re too different.

You sound very driven and your life will looo very different once both DC are in school. She’ll likely still be where she is now.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/08/2019 17:33

Report her for benefit fraud! Never understand people that dont do this. Take photos of the set up in her home and the business she is running then report the fuck out of her.

THIS

SpoooyGhost · 17/08/2019 17:34

You should retrain as a martyr goady fucker joiner. Loads of money, just show them that cross you bear and you'll be drowning in work.

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2019 17:38

Are you sure that her sons speech delay is due to parental neglect. That's a huge accusation. And a deeply unpleasant one if you're just being judgey and don't actually know what's caused it.

Pikapikachooo · 17/08/2019 17:40

She is a twat and you are not

You are building a future and she isn’t really

Life isn’t fair . Never has been never will be
Time to take a major diet from her I’d say ?

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 17/08/2019 17:48

NameChangedForTheDay

She's a CF and if it were me, I would tell her a few home truths in return.

This. And find some nicer friends Smile

dottiedodah · 17/08/2019 17:53

It seems a shame to let an off the cuff comment like this spoil an otherwise good friendship.Yes there are some people cheating the benefits system ,but for every cash strapped single parent ,there is a huge amount of wealthy people /companies who seem to be able to work the system to their advantage !.Have a look into your benefit entitlements .I get that you have a degree but if you are entitled to help then you need to claim it!.

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2019 17:54

No wonder you feel sore! It's always hard getting used to new circumstances. Don't need her attitude, tell her ppl in glass houses....

OtraCosaMariposa · 17/08/2019 17:54

She's a scummy thief and you're not.

Quite simple really.

OtraCosaMariposa · 17/08/2019 17:55

Oh, and ditch her as a friend. You don't need toxic thieves in your life.

envacances · 17/08/2019 18:00

If you are genuinely concerned about her son's development then the free nursery hours are a good thing - and exactly the reason they were introduced.

Re benefits... If you get tax credits you are getting benefits. You can also claim child benefit if you aren't already. Check on entitiedto whether Universal credit would pay more than tax credits. Might do. But you too are benefiting from state help.

It doesn't sound like a good friendship.

LakieLady · 17/08/2019 18:01

I get child tax credit but only the childcare element as ex still supporting financially (£200 per month

Maintenance paid by the non-resident parent is ignored for benefit purposes, OP.

AngelasAshes · 17/08/2019 18:03

I’m not sure I understand. Her comment was unnecessarily harsh but it sounded to me like she was criticising you working FT plus an extra PT job cleaning because it meant even less time with your kids? Not really judging how you spend your money. Rather judging your pride in working yet another job instead of going ahead and getting some benefits you are entitied to. That kids would rather have you than extra toys.
I agree it’s better to work and be self-sufficient, but as a single mum there is nothing wrong with topping up your income from a FT job with benefits like UC, child benefit, and tax credits. It’s unreasonable to expect any singke parent to work so much just to pay basic bills.

Original poster
TheMessyCleaner · 17/08/2019 18:12

I don't think my situation is great, nor am I anti-benefits, I do get benefits so I'm not criticising her getting benefits. This is what's annoyed me; I've never even thought that the way she lives is wrong. However I do take umbrage with her telling me that I've gotten myself in this mess when I've been trying to live frugally but I still struggle. I'm not perfect, I'm not a martyr. I've seen what I need to do (earn more money in a very short space of time) so I can pay off my debt. I don't want to work this many hours forever but I took a pragmatic step to help my financial situation.
Speaking about her son, he does talk. I talk to him and he talks to other children at nursery. My friend says that he doesn't talk but I think that's because she's not speaking to him. It was maybe an unfair comment to make and I take it back.

OP posts:
Dylaninthemovies1 · 17/08/2019 18:12

That’s so bloody rude OP. And I get why you feel like this. Half of the people I went to school with had similar set ups while my dad worked and we had to pay for everything.

Ignore, ignore, ignore her. And spend what you want on your kids (within reason)

Cannyhandleit · 17/08/2019 18:33

Assuming her child's speech delay is due to neglectful parenting is a pretty shitty thing to do unless you work in SLT and have some expertise in this area?? Just out of interest are you declaring the hours you are doing in your cleaning job and paying tax??

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 18:57

Friend is an ignorant, entitled, judgemental twat.
However - OP, you are doing brilliantly. Especially given how recent your break-up is.
Next time friend wants you free child care, tell her you can't, because you're too busy spoiling your kids.

MiniMum97 · 17/08/2019 19:23

Don't claim universal credit without understanding whether you will be better off and what's involved with managing a claim. Your child tax credit will stop if you claim.

Child maintenance is ignored for tax credit calculation purposes also that will not be affecting your benefit entitlement.

Have you checked whether you are eligible for council tax reduction?

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