To wonder how women in the city with kids manage

[Jadefeather7]

If you work in the city (or indeed have a job that requires long hours and an hour or more commute) how do you manage? I guess many will have nannies. Do you not see your kids during the week? I’m planning to go back in a few months. I will likely get a nanny but if I carried on as before I would get home by 7 or later by which time baby would be in bed. I’m thinking off asking for 3 days working from home so that I can work 9-5 and then 7-9. That way I can have some time in the morning, at lunch and in the evening with the baby. Not sure if my request will be accepted. Interested in how others manage.

My commute is roughly 35-40 minutes.
DH does the drop offs

I went back to work 3 days pw at first but couldn't manage the workload. It was too disorienting coming back to work on Mondays, I felt like I missed so much. So now I'm back up to 4.5 days pw, so I have Friday afternoons at home. Which in reality, DS naps for 2-3 hours so I spend it working.

I pick him up from nursery, cook dinner, bed, bath etc. Then get up and do more work for a couple of hours.

It's tough, and I'm reconsidering my career. But it's a golden handcuff isn't it? Hard to downsize salary expectations

It’s all in the childcare selection, and the personality of your dc. Ask on the nannies section for advice on hiring and contracts. We both had good jobs, both travelled and I found that the childcare wasn’t a good enough replacement for a parent/family member - I do have friends who have managed to maintain both amazing careers, but they are careers where they have a lot of work schedule flexibility and they spent a lot on good nannies.

My advice on childcare is absolutely hire the best person you can afford.

If I had their preschool years back, I’d fight harder to work part time. Both parents working full-time+ is tough and I would not touch nurseries again for full time care as one dc hated them and the other hadn’t been adequately supported.

DH is lucky to be able to work from home so much and he will help out a lot on those days however I don’t want him to ask for reduced hours or to stop his travel because it’s necessary for progression in his career. He’s very ambitious and still has far to go. On the other hand I’ve got to a point in my career where after several promotions I’m really happy with my position and I don’t want additional responsibility or promotions ( at least not for the time being). We have discussed this openly and honestly and he’s offered to take a step back in his career if I want to push on with mine but I really don’t want to be doing what my boss does as it’s really not for me.

Be very careful OP. This is exactly what I thought; that I was happy not to progress whereas DH was more keen to do so (and he earned more). What inevitably happened was because I’d reduced my hours and/or was at home more, I ended up taking on virtually all the domestic stuff. It’s not much fun trying to keep up a city career, even a mid level one, whilst also handling all the family stuff. Eventually things came to a head when our nanny decided to emigrate and I resigned.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you don’t ask your DH to make any compromise of his career and he carries on just as pre DC, that will severely limit your chances, not just to progress but also to maintain your current job. It’s not just me, I know a lot of women who have followed this path - gone to part time or flexible working, end up carrying virtually all the domestic stuff, end up becoming SAHM because it’s too much.

I have a nanny, work 4 days - depending on workload and schedule often have one day working from home but very much depends as my job does mean I need to offer some flexibility to do it well. My nanny is contracted to work from 7.30, but is usually 5 minutes or so early. We all have breakfast together (she also brings her daughter who is 6 months older - it is quite jolly) and then my DH and I head off (or one of us goes earlier in busier weeks). One of us is back by 6 to relieve our nanny and we are both back by 7. My daughter actually doesn't go to bed until 8 now she is a toddler (she sleeps until 7, so I can get up at 6 if I need to have a productive hour first thing)- I haven't done this on purpose, it is just her rhythm - I tried shifting her to an earlier bedtime but it didn't work. I tend to ensure that there is food in for a quick dinner by batch cooking etc and my nanny often cooks extra when she feeds the girls, as my husband and I log on 8.30-9.30 if we are busy. Often we eat as soon as we get in and she will have milk and a snack - makes our evenings more efficient. I won't lie, the juggling means our evenings together in the week are extremely short and often consumed by admin, but I assume that is true for a lot of couples with kids!!

I work in the city and commute for 2 hours each way to get there. I work from home 2 days a week. On the 3 days I go into the office my husband does the nursery drop off and pick up. I work 0830-1630 so I’m back in time for bedtime but normally leave before they are up in the morning.

Alter babys routine so they go to bed later so you do bath bedtime etc between 7 and 8 30 or 9 pm
They can sleep in if you have a nanny

It depends, the only person I now with a proper city job had a live in nanny until the kids were 7&8 then sent them to boarding school, I kid you not. Ok there were other factors but from what I've heard (I know one of the now adult kids) they barely saw her, though she did always take 3 weeks off in the summer. She's actually really nice but she told be most of her female friends at work did the same, or had parents who lived with them

My DP has a job where he only works his set hours and no more. He starts early and I do drop off, he picks up. Our daughter is a night owl though so I do get to see her quite a bit in the evening.

What a ridiculous thread title.

I WFH 2 days with dd1 and 3 with dd2. I started work at 7.30 so I could leave early and dh did the morning drop off to the childminder.

We have relocated to Aus and I'm struggling now with this. We are an hour from the city, dh has a senior role with crazy hours but does WFH 1 day a week.

I can't make it work at the moment so I'm just doing contract work. I think I will have to find a career.

I'm a lawyer in house but work on a lot of deals with city lawyers on the other side and increasingly find they are more likely to work a similar pattern to me (short days in the office, long evenings when the children are in bed).

The positives are a much better parent / work balance. But it comes at a big cost - I have basically zero "me time" ... No socialising, little exercise, no time when I have the energy to read or get involved in the wider world. I have only just finished working this evening and every evening this week was the same in order to hit a deadline . I think it is worth it for me, but wouldn't want anyone to sleepwalk into this way of living.

@NeverTwerkNaked That’s basically what I am thinking about doing. I think I would try to go into the office for three days (try and come home at a reasonable time on one of those days if I can) and work from home for two days so that on those days I can work in the evenings after bed time. On those days when I’m home I’ll try to get DP go arrange his in person meetings if possible. He doesn’t always have control over when they happen so it won’t always work out. I do have parents nearby who could step in occasionally if the nanny can’t work late. We have never really done much in the evenings pre children (except laze around/ watch Netflix). On days when I used to work from home I would often work until 11pm simply because I wasn’t exhausted from the commuting. I always batch cook for the week on Sundays and have a cleaner in as well. Bit concerned that nannies don’t like parents wfh. We do have an office in the garden away from the house. Let’s see. I could go in 5 days a week and try to get back early and work in the evenings, but I really don’t want to be commuting every day. I find that I have so much more energy when I don’t have to do the commute.

I work in the city but live in the south west. It’s 3 hours door to door from home to office. I do that 3 days a week, wfh one day and then still have a day off with youngest who is a toddler.

It works fine. I get home at 7 those day which is just as they are finishing dinner so I’m home to do bath and bedtime. Then I’d do the school runs, activities, home for everything the other 4 days each week. My dh does everything on the days I work away. We have never used any childcare other than normal nursery 9-5 and have no family support, so everything we do, we do it between ourselves.

I works fine. We actually get to spend a lot more time with our dc than most people do. I have friends who live locally and work til 6 every night, barely see their dc or their partner. Our eldest is with a parent every day from 3pm, they sit 2 family meals a day at the table with one of us, etc which is much more time than I ever spent with my parents. My dh spends a lot more time with our dc than most dads and they have a great relationship because of it.

And the bonus is that I get to have a career that I love. Jobs in my field don’t exist where I live so I’ll never not work in London or somewhere far from home and we want to live rurally in a particular area, so there wouldn’t be another option. I do wish the commute was shorter (and cheaper!) but actually it’s a lovely balance and I wouldn’t change what I do or our set up as it works quite well.

@Iggi999 - why ridiculous? If you have a City job (lawyer, accountant, finance, management consultant) your hours plus commute are often longer than nannies or nursery will cover. So there is a problem to solve. Either you double up on childcare (but don’t see your child) or you reduce your hours (but compromise your career prospects). It’s a pretty well recognised problem if you work in that type of job. Of course it’s a first world type problem but that doesn’t mean it’s not a problem.

Or are you saying it’s a problem for men too? If so I agree with you that it should be although somehow it usually ends up being the woman who makes changes...

Bit concerned that nannies don’t like parents wfh. We do have an office in the garden away from the house.

I think that would be fine as long as you make it clear to prospective nannies that you will be in your office all day (except eg lunch break) and not hovering over them!

I don’t see why it’s just lawyers, accountants, management consultants, etc, who gave the problem. Lots of people have in ordinary jobs do too, especially in London, where long commutes are normal. I work 12-hour days with a 1.5 hour commute each way, and I’ve got an ordinary, non-high-paying job.

No sorry just the actual thread title to wonder how women in the city with kids manage
I clicked on it to see if it was about access to green space or pollution or house prices even (as a mother in a city I would have something to contribute) but no, it's a ridiculously niche reference to a form of employment in one part of the UK.
The request itself is fine, the phrasing is annoying!

Sorry daisypond I didn’t mean to imply those are the only jobs where women struggle to manage it post DC. Those were the kind of jobs OP was asking about that’s all. It must be even harder for those who don’t have the salary to cover childcare.

Ah I see Iggi yes it should have said City jobs not in the city.

With my twins (4th and 5th children) I was based at home as set up my own firm and I knew no one would like the thought of the parent getting in the way but it worked out fine. She took them out so wuld meet other nanny friends with children almost every day and then once a week all those other children and nannies came here - just 2 or 3 families and I only left my home office when the toddlers couldn't see me. It also worked well with the small babies as if they needed breastfeeding she just came to get me so with those last children I didn't need to express milk at work which was also a nuisance with the other babies.